in between american history 2 and playwriting right now...

and i just got back from *randomly* seeing an old friend that i haven't seen and actually talked with in about two, no three years.

and it was great because we just talked and accepted each other for how we each have changed and grown. well, as much as one can in a 30 minute surprise conversation. it was good, as the Lord said. and i wonder why more relationships can't just be like that? why we have to feel this sense of obligation as to who we maintain relationship with and we have to have these reasonings that don't seem all that sound to me sometimes.

for online philosophy, we had to post some threaded discussions answering the question "does knowledge require certainty?" from descartes and from 2 of 3 conversations about knowing. i want to post my two threads here sometime soon. and i want to hear thoughts on them when i do. i need to find a way to do the whole "comments" thing and the links on the side thing. i don't know how...andrew, can you teach me that too?

sometimes i feel like a puppet. and i'm not always sure who the puppeteer is. is that a bad thing? because sometimes, i just want to go. just, go...i don't know where or why or even if with anyone. perhaps it's the spiritual equivalent to a nudist colony. ha, that sounds so blasphemous...but i swear i don't mean it that way. what i mean, is that, i so strongly desire to be free from things that i believe are weighing me down that i want to literally throw them off, tear them away, burn them, forget about them...and just go. and be. stupid concept of freedom. what in the world do i want to be free from? (insert sarcasm here, but i'm not quite sure why).

okay, off to class. the posts on certainty and knowledge shall come later<><

i leave for ireland in 23 days.

i think skits is the irish slang for what i feel (which translated, roughly means, crap my pants).

brian burned a cd for me...damien rice. and i like it, a lot. it's my latest "cd's to listen to while i work so i can focus and get my work done" cd things.

i don't know if i'll want to be back in the states after being in ireland for 9 days. ps, if you'd like to send support my way to help fund the trip (any questions about what the trip is please email me at dramachick837@yahoo.com) i'm all for it. and above that, if you could pray for me, and for the team that is going, that would be fantastic.

i need to figure out about all this audition stuff for NYC before i leave for ireland...seeing as it's like, four days after i get back that i will have to audition.

brian's RA referred to me as "your girlfriend" to brian tonight. that was weird. i don't know how to take that, without a clear definition in our relationship. i am cool with where brian and i are, but i'm not sure quite what it looks like to an outsider...if that makes any sense?

and all this with valentine's day coming up. well, isn't this fun. i think it's a hallmark holiday, really. but still, i am a girl. and there's this part of me that kind of nags in the back of my mind, loving the romance of it all, while this other part of me kind of grunts with hatred toward the couples and lovey-dovey cheese that the holiday seems to promote. that part makes me want to vomit. the other part...well, it makes me appreciate the abundance of love God has so graciously bestowed upon me at this point in my life, in such *tangible* ways as relationships.

okay, i need to do capstone.

stupid needing to do "stuff"

so this whole traveling two weekends in a row kicks me in the pants.

i seem to be in the habit of sleeping a maximum of four hours a night and taking a three hour nap late afternoon/early evening.

and don't get me wrong- yeah for sleep...but i have all this *work* to do and all of these amazing people i WANT to spend time with (ahem, trena, again i apologize~ i didn't mean to bow out on you this evening) and then i go for this looooooooong nap. hopefully this weekend helps me catch up on things and straighten out my sleeping patterns.

i am tired of food. that does not mean i am gonna be all anorexic...have no fears. i'm just bombarded with food at every turn in my day practically and i am just tired of it. i don't need all of this fried crap and things, things that i used to love, do not even taste that good to me anymore...like bananas. in theory, mmmm. in reality, i take a bite and it's done. i think the traveling had something to do with that as well.

i cannot begin to say how i adore NYC. i just wanted to wander around Times Square for hours and stand at the doors of theaters and maybe pretend that i am graduated and a starving artist in NYC and i'll have to get on the subway and go to my apartment in brooklyn that i share with two other people and i will love it and want to wet my pants all at once because of the beauty of life...not a "this is all there is?" type of thing...but a joy in the every moment of it all.

i am excited for auditions there in march. but that is the week after ireland, and ireland is my first priority. *amen*

i get to help baby-sit the rudd children tomorrow. or, later today if you want to get all technical. and i am so down wit dat (quote, unquote, andrew rudd).

i performed for tammie's oral interp. class today, and then dez and i answered questions after...and for one of the first times outwardly, i've truly realized that i can't please everyone...that no one can. and i am comfortable in my own skin in such a way that if someone doesn't like how i perform, then they don't. yes, i still want to always be learning new ways to stretch myself and to improve. yes, i want to always do my best. but does *my* best mean what some director or auditor or judge thinks is best? maybe. maybe not. and i am completely okay with that.
i know, that sounds kind of whiney and immature. so be it. it took me a while to get to this place. i have too long depended on the opinions of others to justify my self-worth in this world. i have measured my self in so many unhealthy ways. i probably still am in ways that i haven't realized yet. but either way, i am here now. and i like here. and i choose to like there, somewhere down the road, over the rainbow (of college/school) and whatnot...

okay, now back to the american history paper.

peace out yo.

so another two weeks go by....

in 12 hours, i will be on my way to the airport to fly to NYC and spend the night there before waking up on Thursday and heading to montreal, via one of the most scenic train rides ever. all courtesy of Malone College. well...my tuition dollars are paying for *something*

so i went to chicago this past weekend (again, speech)...and i have to say that it was the most fun i've *ever* had on a speech trip. granted, i've had some amazing ones between st. louis, california, and multiple ohio colleges and universities, but this one topped them all. no one got a trophy, but it's just-- so rare to so thoroughly enjoy a group of people. there were 8 of us total (seven in a minivan with all of our *stuff* for the weekend) and never was there a moment where i didn't feel totally supported, stretched, and full of joy. andrew mentions this trip as well in his blog, as he was one of the 8 members embarking on this journey. and i agree with him...it's this world that we've shared in creating, that once over we know will not return for anything but memory, but it still exists. and it's just good to be a part of it, ya know?

being a part of something. something i've been reflecting on, especially as i continue to work on capstone (which i should be doing right now but i needed a little break). i always want to be a part of something, for some kind of fulfillment. but i don't fully understand why i believe this being a part of something to be fulfilling, or if i am searching for something more? like, community. which has been extremely difficult for me as the communities i am involved in are continually changing and shifting, part of the realm of becoming plato might say (i hate philosophy online, by the way). so i get really angry and hurt because i feel that the communities i were involved in just a few months ago are so different now, and have traveled and changed in such a way that they no longer desire my involvement in them. which sucks.

so i pray about my identity. because, i desire for it to be so many things...Christ-like, fun, cultured, intelligent, witty, creative, independent, feminine, and the list goes on...

but what the crap does all that mean, anyway?

happiness is overrated. albert brooks has something going when he says that. (my first mister).

okay, i have more stories to write. i keep finding them inside of me...

which is a really good thing. because, i don't necessarily know if my impact in this world will be good or bad, but i do know that my existence changes things.

i want a bemis scarf. not the mantel. but i want one of those scarfs. because they are really, really cool.

i feel like crap. dung. a cow pattie. keep coming up with names so you can sound more and more witty kristy....

not physically though. more, my heart. ah yes, kids. still the heartbreak. it's part of that whole waiting thing....which really is more and more spectacular, now that i've been given more time to think about it. or, should i say...i've actually used the opportunity of time i have been given to think a bit more.

i keep telling myself, to just...be still. be obedient and just be still, and just listen. quietly. and there's all that crap about yoga clearing your mind and whatnot...how much clearer can our minds get when society fills them with nothing to start? don't get me wrong, yoga and tae chi are very relaxing....but the clearing the mind part...how are we really challenged to think from day to day? it's only by those whom i know love me that truly challenge me to THINK about life, about who i am, about what is *really* important...about figuring out what is really important.

i don't know. i just don't. so i guess that's it.

blogging twice in one week.

keep your pants on, kids.

school starts...classes start on monday. one semester (Lord willing and with 19 credit hours) left....praise be to God. and no, i am not blaspheming...i really mean that.

so i've been praying, asking God to be closer to Him...i just feel like i've been drifting from him, ya know? i guess, you'll have that. and i am getting tired of it. but boy does He answer in funny ways.

so much drama. and i can really hate it...

yet, i love theater. go figure.

ever see any old movies? like...one starring charlie chaplin?

if you haven't...think of the black and white images and the cinematography of michelle branch's "are you happy now?" that's how i feel my life is playing out. or perhaps, this ideal life that i would like to have.... how all of these stories overlap and interchange because of their existence in my life. like a funny musical of a shakespearean play set in the early 20th century. well...at least there are cool clothes.

my heart literally feels like it is breaking. (no i do not make this comment for a plethora of responses of sympathy/pity/etc). and i hate it, but at the same time...i am so thankful for it. each breaking seems to make me more aware of who i am. really...not just who i think i am or who other people think i am...but who i, kristy o., really, and truly am. that sounds like the wrong verb tense. oh well...screw verb tenses. the only people who really care are english professors and uptight editors.

ah yes, friends. the heart breaks in such a cliche way. a guy. why does it always have to be a guy? well, let's not even get in to the hetero/homo sexual conversation. save that for a rainy day or what have you. anyhow...i keep trying and trying to understand, to better communicate, to better listen. and i feel like i keep failing. at least, in my mind. because- if i weren't failing, then guys wouldn't just turn away from me...or stop talking with me. or say something like a total ja@#$!s...such as "i don't have anything to say to you"...yes friends, i have nothing to say. ha ha ha....imagine me with nothing to say?! now, imagine my reaction when one of my best friends, someone i tell so much to and usually hear so much from...says this to me.

there is definitely a part of me that just wants to cuss someone out. but, have no fears...i won't. i do logically realize that although the scene is a healthy part of my fantasy life, it is not the wisest thing to do (someone take note that i DO think before i speak...sometimes). the healthier, more obedient part of me desires to just wait and see what happens. which is totally unlike me...not my character to just sit something out. to do "nothing" in my mind...but waiting...that truly is something spectacular, wouldn't you say?

okay...this part is for my dear friend kristin, otherwise known as dude man. because well, she is cool and one deserving of a mention in the blog. because, that elevates friendship status to an extent, wouldn't you all say? anyhow...she's real cool and she is now in her own digs up in akron...and she had this kickin' lil new years party to show them off, because she's a great designer and a terrific hostess. perhaps the classic twinkie even... and this kid who wasn't even invited (and yes, DID graduate college at least a year ago...i swear) comes to the college party, and bashes a hole in her downstairs bathroom door and breaks a light with a pool stick. then, he proceeds to ignore the task of cleaning it up because i guess that's just beyond his reach of etiquette perhaps? so she has to TELL him to please clean it up, and that yes, he does have to replace the door. do people have NO manners anymore? i swear. and sometimes, yes, i really do.

like...at my friends wedding. there were people my age who actually didn't even use proper etiquette with a buffet...i know, it's a serve yourself type of thing...but put your napkin (which should be on your lap while your eating) on your chair when you get up...not on the table. and your empty dinner plate is not something to stack your salad plate on when you are finished! okay, that was lessons in etiquette with kristy for the day. tomorrow...where to start with forks.

alas, i want to get my oil changed before heading over to akron for a luncheon with the dearest ann lawson (wahooooo) and then up to berea to meet up with my dear old friend josh, and going to dinner, then the caedmon's call concert...perhaps seeing a friend from mentor sometime in there, if he's willing at this point...who knows? day by day, moment by moment kids...

oh yes, and tomorrow, i find out if i made it for the vagina monologues. really people...society isn't afraid to throw the word "penis" around. don't be afraid of it. if you can only say "the monologues" i'll still be your friend. but know, that deep down inside, i will think you are a big weinie.

so i typed up at least half of this beautiful blog a week or so ago and my computer froze on me. doesn't that just piss you off? so i boycotted the blog for longer, angry at the possibility of another computer freeze (just as i was about to hit post so as to save the masterpiece i had typed thusfar)...and then i realized that my futile, silent, fuming attempts against the glitches in technology had little strength next to my love of journaling and writing, of recording and reflecting.

so anyhow, the whole blog was to be about how, if one doesn't blog for a week, they are to be continually stuck in this place of blog-ness that says this is who you are and this is where you are in life, and this is how i will address you. weird. i mean, who doesn't grow and change and think from day to day? a sad, sorry man without a home, perhaps...home in the sense of the word that doesn't mean dwelling, but closer to the lines of love that only truth can bring you as a gift.

anyhow, that about sums up the brilliant musings of kristy past....and now onto present.

i feel like ranting. deal.

i have to say i get pretty angry when i feel like i'm in the midst of being shafted by "friends"

okay...how do i reword that without sounding like i am in seventh grade.

how untrue friends are! how people fail me every day...how i fail people every day. even those i love. especially those i love. those stupid phrases....of "i'll keep in touch" or even the Christian segue out of conversation...well, "i'll pray for you" are a load of crap. not to say that all don't keep in touch or that no one is ever going to pray for you...but seriously, people. what crap. so many words, so little action. *insert explitive here* REALLY. so many missed phone calls and opportunities, but we keep writing and reading and creating and listening and relating to all of these *stories* about what is *really important* in life...relationships. and God is a God of relationships....and i love Him, so should i not love building and striving to create that which He strives to create with us? and if i should be loving this, shouldn't we all? or is that just a cop out....i don't know. maybe idealism...but hey, i'm good at that. i'm still in college. it's what i am supposed to be now, still.

i auditioned for the vagina monologues tonight at the players guild. *gasps of surprise from those who think they know me* and it was a lot of fun. yes, i'd love to do the show, but i had fun at the audition, and seeing as i am not doing this for a *living* yet, that's really all i care about. it's all i know i'll ever care about with theater...to me, learning, developing my craft, stretching myself...boy does it hurt...but it's like water in the dessert to a dying girl...and it's a lot of fun.

i've been able to sleep a bit over break...and that is so wonderful. my apologies to people who have to wake up at five am right now...i mean no harm nor do i intend to mock or laugh at you...but i do say that i enjoy every moment of sleeping in under warm blankets and waking up where i can walk down into a kitchen and make myself food. we'll call it breakfast...but it's been after noon a few times. who cares?

okay, i am really going to sleep now. i like my long blogs. they let me think, speak....they listen to me without judging. it's like a dog, only i can't pet it, minus the computer screen...and that just gets so impersonal after a while, don't you think?