hello.

i've been away for a bit.

i always feel the need to apologize for that. but i will refrain, this time. for that.

i got a job at a bank, which i am thankful for. retail is not my thing-- i don't like it, never have, and i don't think i ever will. i don't think life at a bank will be all that exciting, but it's a much better paycheck than the one i get from current retail death. (chokes and falls to the floor dramatically after looking at retail pay check). as soon as i officially finish my degree on december 14 i want to get certified to be a substitute teacher. and then i want to work with hell raising city children in this burough the world calls youngstown for a few months.

finish my degree? ah, yes, folks. i am here to admit what a ridiculous fool i am. i do not yet have the piece of paper that says $80,000 plus was spent on furthering my education and changing and growing me as a person because of a cultural class and a gym class. oh yes, that's right, a gym class. so, i am finishing these two at youngstown state university. the upside of that- a different worldview, and the opportunity to take a self-defense class. i am having a wonderful time in both classes- cultural anthropology, *currently reading "the spirit catches you and you fall down" by anne fadiman--- which is a wonderful, wonderful ethnography, highly recommended; and self defense. i've made a few new friends in y-town, mainly theater people. i tried out for the fall mainstage production ("the miser" by moliere) and was smacked down and humbled to not be cast because of scheduling conflicts. although, to my credit- i did meet with the director/theater professor in the summer and ask when rehearsals were held, he never gave me a straight answer, and i scheduled my classes at what i believed to be appropriate times. i was wrong. to pet my bruised ego, my friend tony (cast as the miser, harpagon) informed me that the director thought i had a fantastic audition, wanted very much to cast me, but couldn't because of scheduling conflicts. i would have loved to do moliere, so i am a little sad about it still (as i don't know of many/any theater prospects in the youngstown area and i would have to pre-birth sell my first born to afford gas to travel to pitt or cleveland for rehearsals).

well, i can't seem to write short posts. and no one wants to read anything this long. except maybe me.

i had another wonderful southside experience in pittsburgh last week. (wahoo for chocolate).

unfortunately, the following day, my car died. let me now reflect in a moment of silence.






okay. done with that. so now i am looking to find a car, or to buy my sister's car off of her, because she is getting a brand spankin' new 06 honda with her real job and salary that comes with that job. [another whining tangent- i want a real job where i can use more than one of my gifts and talents that i discovered and started to refine or at least learn how to begin refining in college].

i want to have a bonfire/cookout before the weather reminds us (or most of us) why and how much we really don't like this part of the country for the majority of the year.

i liked being a mime. i could be really direct and i didn't have to say a word. so the verbal and non-verbal communication didn't get mixed up. they seem to a lot with me.

aren't we all misunderstood?

how do you say goodbye without saying anything anymore? is it just "understood"? i've lost what i thought was a friendship but the friendship was never really there to begin with if i'm losing it like i am now.

support our troops.





i don't know if the country has come to an agreement as far as the definition of this term. or if we've come to an agreement on anything really.

(forewarning: this is a fairly long and rambling post).


the woman, cindy sheehan i believe her name is, that has been protesting at bush's texas ranch (and who recently had to leave for CA to take care of her ailing mother) is an interesting news piece. she's giving a mouthpiece to people who are angry and who think that bringing home the troops means withdrawing today and everyone flies home tomorrow is a viable option. i'm sorry, (well not really, these are my opinions and i'm entitled to them) but she's confusing me a bit. her son willingly joined the military. he wasn't under a draft, and he went in to join and serve in the US Military (Marines, if I remember correctly). as far as i can remember, voluntarily joining to serve in the military does bring with it a possibility of serving in a war, or other threatening zone, and with that comes the very real possibility of harm to life, even as far as death. i'm pretty sure that people are aware of that going in to the military. so, i would think that their parents would be aware of that as well.

i am not saying that i cheerlead the loss of life to soldiers and others in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and anywhere else that life has been lost in this war on terrorism as it has been dubbed. quite the opposite; i, like many in this country, pray every day for the troops, especially for my boyfriend, whom i hope returns safely, and with whom i hope to spend the rest of my life.

the woman's grief is completely understandable- if she wasn't fully of grief over the fact that her 19 year old son was killed, then there would be a lot to worry about.

but if she (and other protestors) really want things to change-- i'm not sure that setting up camp and talking to news crews is really getting something done. if she wants to improve the state of this country and of humanity, i think protesting with words alone is the last thing to do.

i am curious as to what people think troops are doing over in Iraq. i am curious to know what people in this country think is really happening over there-- what it is that we are fighting and what it is exactly that different troops are "doing" over there.

isn't there anything more productive she can do in her son's memory than bitch to the administration?

how would we as a country handle it if someone started getting noticed for protesting to end poverty now, and actually believed that poverty would be something that we could change before the weekend ends? changes in humanity and it's condition don't take place overnight.

i hear a lot of bitching about how the war is being handled. i'd love to hear some truly viable options as to how YOU would handle it if you were president of the USA. if things changed today, and you were made president for a day, or a week, how would you do specific things differently? i'm not talking about broad generalizations. i mean, with all this bitching about "bring the troops home now" (which, trust me, i would love if my man was home now but i don't believe that's a viable option) how do you propose we do that? and tell me, what do you think are the ramifications of bringing the troops home immediately? how would the condition of the iraqi people change if all of our boys and gals were home next week?what do you think they are fighting? and fighting for?

if this is how Cindy Sheehan needs to work out her grief, then i say, work it out. it sucks- no parent wants their kid to die before they do; it's just not natural. but how much has she really researched as far as all that the bush administration (w's and his father's) and the clinton administration have to say about all that is going on in the middle east? with the Taliban? with terrorist cells? with bin Laden? does no one remember the day nearly four years ago when thousands of people were killed on American soil by hijacked planes?

i don't believe the US is a great and loving peacemaker. don't think that i am saying that. i think we've done some pretty assinine, messed up things throughout history. i'm pretty sure we'll continue to screw up some things in the future. and i'm sure we're screwing some things up now. but how educated is the american public about everything involving the current war? i know i'm not nearly educated enough, and i won't pretend to be. just because i've read a few news reports and declassified government documents, i know i don't have the whole picture.

but i want to know more- about what i can do right now. and i don't want to do it on impulse or emotion. i want to do it out of Love.

i get to go to PITTSBURGH tonight!!!!!!!!!!


(am just a little excited)


although, before i go, i should probably memorize my lines for rehearsal tomorrow. that might help in the whole getting paid process- doing my job.


but almost all the funriture will be taken away from my apartment bu the end of the day thursday. moving is weird.


do i want to start my teacher's licensure in january? i wonder if i'll even have enough money by then. and then, come next august, i know i'll want to move back to pittsbugh. and then, next may or june (2007) id like to plan a big event. i dont know, i dont know, i dont know.



and ihave no idea who posted a comment on my last post. i didnt even think anyone read this, so maybe i should edit mystlf more.


i usually just end up sending melancholy and depressing because i vent on here so much. it's like my happy little virtual friend *pet pet*.


now to do laundry so i can make sure that i have some kind of "cute outfit" with which to impress the youth pastor.

what happens when you ask yourself who are you really special to,



and the answer is no one?

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my parents aren't getting divorced. honestly, i wish they would. but i can't wish that much pain on my mom.

i miss my blue eyes. i know the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. everything else, it's all fucked up. disenchanted, disenfranchised, dismembered.

am i too laid back? do i not stand up for myself enough? how can i stand up for something to believe in when i don't believe anything right now?

i think i may hate myself again. i don't want pity. pity's only a poor excuse for neglected friendship.

i have nothing really nice to say, so i won't say anything at all.

one song with my man....

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
All the lights on and you are alive

But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

~cary brothers, "blue eyes"

i have a navy blue wall. well, it's not actually navy blue. it's something perfect dream but we'll just call it navy blue. a very dark navy blue. (my mom hates it).

i almost got sprayed by a skunk while loading my car with stuff for the moving process.

there is intense drama at the house right now. my parents might be getting divorced...i still don't know if it's serious or not. i think it might not be. these things happen every few years, but the drama is seeming to last longer this time around, so i don't know. if you are reading this and you are of the praying persuasion, please do so for my family.

i am blessed to talk with dave about two times a week. the only negative is that it's him calling me...there's no number i can call him at. so i pick up the phone to call him about a half a dozen times a day and then realize i can't-- i can only hope that i am able to answer the phone whenever he calls.

i am starting to set much better priorities. i've lived to please others for far too long. i need to keep remembering that doing what is best for me doesn't mean i am always going to be doing what i want at any given moment. you think i would have learned that by now, but after nearly 24 years, i still don't get it.

reading "the four loves" by c.s. lewis. trying to restore a more "right" view of love as Love and of love as how it should be, how i can strive to be, and how it has and hasn't been truthful or necessarily good or bad for me to experience in my life thus far.

i almost hit an old lady who was driving today. and i felt bad (which is normal) but i keep thinking...most of the time, i really shouldn't be driving. i'm not a good driver.

i really don't have much else to write. life's been a roller coaster, and sometimes i cling to God and sometimes and cling to what seems safer...that little metal bar right in front of me, the certainties that i can plan and control and work out. but we all know that's a lie anyway...