so another two weeks go by....

in 12 hours, i will be on my way to the airport to fly to NYC and spend the night there before waking up on Thursday and heading to montreal, via one of the most scenic train rides ever. all courtesy of Malone College. well...my tuition dollars are paying for *something*

so i went to chicago this past weekend (again, speech)...and i have to say that it was the most fun i've *ever* had on a speech trip. granted, i've had some amazing ones between st. louis, california, and multiple ohio colleges and universities, but this one topped them all. no one got a trophy, but it's just-- so rare to so thoroughly enjoy a group of people. there were 8 of us total (seven in a minivan with all of our *stuff* for the weekend) and never was there a moment where i didn't feel totally supported, stretched, and full of joy. andrew mentions this trip as well in his blog, as he was one of the 8 members embarking on this journey. and i agree with him...it's this world that we've shared in creating, that once over we know will not return for anything but memory, but it still exists. and it's just good to be a part of it, ya know?

being a part of something. something i've been reflecting on, especially as i continue to work on capstone (which i should be doing right now but i needed a little break). i always want to be a part of something, for some kind of fulfillment. but i don't fully understand why i believe this being a part of something to be fulfilling, or if i am searching for something more? like, community. which has been extremely difficult for me as the communities i am involved in are continually changing and shifting, part of the realm of becoming plato might say (i hate philosophy online, by the way). so i get really angry and hurt because i feel that the communities i were involved in just a few months ago are so different now, and have traveled and changed in such a way that they no longer desire my involvement in them. which sucks.

so i pray about my identity. because, i desire for it to be so many things...Christ-like, fun, cultured, intelligent, witty, creative, independent, feminine, and the list goes on...

but what the crap does all that mean, anyway?

happiness is overrated. albert brooks has something going when he says that. (my first mister).

okay, i have more stories to write. i keep finding them inside of me...

which is a really good thing. because, i don't necessarily know if my impact in this world will be good or bad, but i do know that my existence changes things.

i want a bemis scarf. not the mantel. but i want one of those scarfs. because they are really, really cool.

i feel like crap. dung. a cow pattie. keep coming up with names so you can sound more and more witty kristy....

not physically though. more, my heart. ah yes, kids. still the heartbreak. it's part of that whole waiting thing....which really is more and more spectacular, now that i've been given more time to think about it. or, should i say...i've actually used the opportunity of time i have been given to think a bit more.

i keep telling myself, to just...be still. be obedient and just be still, and just listen. quietly. and there's all that crap about yoga clearing your mind and whatnot...how much clearer can our minds get when society fills them with nothing to start? don't get me wrong, yoga and tae chi are very relaxing....but the clearing the mind part...how are we really challenged to think from day to day? it's only by those whom i know love me that truly challenge me to THINK about life, about who i am, about what is *really* important...about figuring out what is really important.

i don't know. i just don't. so i guess that's it.

blogging twice in one week.

keep your pants on, kids.

school starts...classes start on monday. one semester (Lord willing and with 19 credit hours) left....praise be to God. and no, i am not blaspheming...i really mean that.

so i've been praying, asking God to be closer to Him...i just feel like i've been drifting from him, ya know? i guess, you'll have that. and i am getting tired of it. but boy does He answer in funny ways.

so much drama. and i can really hate it...

yet, i love theater. go figure.

ever see any old movies? like...one starring charlie chaplin?

if you haven't...think of the black and white images and the cinematography of michelle branch's "are you happy now?" that's how i feel my life is playing out. or perhaps, this ideal life that i would like to have.... how all of these stories overlap and interchange because of their existence in my life. like a funny musical of a shakespearean play set in the early 20th century. well...at least there are cool clothes.

my heart literally feels like it is breaking. (no i do not make this comment for a plethora of responses of sympathy/pity/etc). and i hate it, but at the same time...i am so thankful for it. each breaking seems to make me more aware of who i am. really...not just who i think i am or who other people think i am...but who i, kristy o., really, and truly am. that sounds like the wrong verb tense. oh well...screw verb tenses. the only people who really care are english professors and uptight editors.

ah yes, friends. the heart breaks in such a cliche way. a guy. why does it always have to be a guy? well, let's not even get in to the hetero/homo sexual conversation. save that for a rainy day or what have you. anyhow...i keep trying and trying to understand, to better communicate, to better listen. and i feel like i keep failing. at least, in my mind. because- if i weren't failing, then guys wouldn't just turn away from me...or stop talking with me. or say something like a total ja@#$!s...such as "i don't have anything to say to you"...yes friends, i have nothing to say. ha ha ha....imagine me with nothing to say?! now, imagine my reaction when one of my best friends, someone i tell so much to and usually hear so much from...says this to me.

there is definitely a part of me that just wants to cuss someone out. but, have no fears...i won't. i do logically realize that although the scene is a healthy part of my fantasy life, it is not the wisest thing to do (someone take note that i DO think before i speak...sometimes). the healthier, more obedient part of me desires to just wait and see what happens. which is totally unlike me...not my character to just sit something out. to do "nothing" in my mind...but waiting...that truly is something spectacular, wouldn't you say?

okay...this part is for my dear friend kristin, otherwise known as dude man. because well, she is cool and one deserving of a mention in the blog. because, that elevates friendship status to an extent, wouldn't you all say? anyhow...she's real cool and she is now in her own digs up in akron...and she had this kickin' lil new years party to show them off, because she's a great designer and a terrific hostess. perhaps the classic twinkie even... and this kid who wasn't even invited (and yes, DID graduate college at least a year ago...i swear) comes to the college party, and bashes a hole in her downstairs bathroom door and breaks a light with a pool stick. then, he proceeds to ignore the task of cleaning it up because i guess that's just beyond his reach of etiquette perhaps? so she has to TELL him to please clean it up, and that yes, he does have to replace the door. do people have NO manners anymore? i swear. and sometimes, yes, i really do.

like...at my friends wedding. there were people my age who actually didn't even use proper etiquette with a buffet...i know, it's a serve yourself type of thing...but put your napkin (which should be on your lap while your eating) on your chair when you get up...not on the table. and your empty dinner plate is not something to stack your salad plate on when you are finished! okay, that was lessons in etiquette with kristy for the day. tomorrow...where to start with forks.

alas, i want to get my oil changed before heading over to akron for a luncheon with the dearest ann lawson (wahooooo) and then up to berea to meet up with my dear old friend josh, and going to dinner, then the caedmon's call concert...perhaps seeing a friend from mentor sometime in there, if he's willing at this point...who knows? day by day, moment by moment kids...

oh yes, and tomorrow, i find out if i made it for the vagina monologues. really people...society isn't afraid to throw the word "penis" around. don't be afraid of it. if you can only say "the monologues" i'll still be your friend. but know, that deep down inside, i will think you are a big weinie.

so i typed up at least half of this beautiful blog a week or so ago and my computer froze on me. doesn't that just piss you off? so i boycotted the blog for longer, angry at the possibility of another computer freeze (just as i was about to hit post so as to save the masterpiece i had typed thusfar)...and then i realized that my futile, silent, fuming attempts against the glitches in technology had little strength next to my love of journaling and writing, of recording and reflecting.

so anyhow, the whole blog was to be about how, if one doesn't blog for a week, they are to be continually stuck in this place of blog-ness that says this is who you are and this is where you are in life, and this is how i will address you. weird. i mean, who doesn't grow and change and think from day to day? a sad, sorry man without a home, perhaps...home in the sense of the word that doesn't mean dwelling, but closer to the lines of love that only truth can bring you as a gift.

anyhow, that about sums up the brilliant musings of kristy past....and now onto present.

i feel like ranting. deal.

i have to say i get pretty angry when i feel like i'm in the midst of being shafted by "friends"

okay...how do i reword that without sounding like i am in seventh grade.

how untrue friends are! how people fail me every day...how i fail people every day. even those i love. especially those i love. those stupid phrases....of "i'll keep in touch" or even the Christian segue out of conversation...well, "i'll pray for you" are a load of crap. not to say that all don't keep in touch or that no one is ever going to pray for you...but seriously, people. what crap. so many words, so little action. *insert explitive here* REALLY. so many missed phone calls and opportunities, but we keep writing and reading and creating and listening and relating to all of these *stories* about what is *really important* in life...relationships. and God is a God of relationships....and i love Him, so should i not love building and striving to create that which He strives to create with us? and if i should be loving this, shouldn't we all? or is that just a cop out....i don't know. maybe idealism...but hey, i'm good at that. i'm still in college. it's what i am supposed to be now, still.

i auditioned for the vagina monologues tonight at the players guild. *gasps of surprise from those who think they know me* and it was a lot of fun. yes, i'd love to do the show, but i had fun at the audition, and seeing as i am not doing this for a *living* yet, that's really all i care about. it's all i know i'll ever care about with theater...to me, learning, developing my craft, stretching myself...boy does it hurt...but it's like water in the dessert to a dying girl...and it's a lot of fun.

i've been able to sleep a bit over break...and that is so wonderful. my apologies to people who have to wake up at five am right now...i mean no harm nor do i intend to mock or laugh at you...but i do say that i enjoy every moment of sleeping in under warm blankets and waking up where i can walk down into a kitchen and make myself food. we'll call it breakfast...but it's been after noon a few times. who cares?

okay, i am really going to sleep now. i like my long blogs. they let me think, speak....they listen to me without judging. it's like a dog, only i can't pet it, minus the computer screen...and that just gets so impersonal after a while, don't you think?

sorry again for not writing in the longest time....my computer's internet is still not up and running along yet, and i have not found the time amidst finals, classes ending, work, and the end of sanders to blog. but know please that i still want to write! i need to write....

i've had a lot on my mind lately...and it seems that i can't sort it all out. i cried a lot today....out of fear that i won't be following my passions once i graduate in less than six months...out of fear that if i do follow my passions (which if i didn't i think i might die) that i won't "succeed"...and i i chatted briefly online with ellen about this (pre-date for wednesday's dinner and coffee/ reaaaalllllly long talk) about how i do not feel talented in the least and how all these people keep telling me that i have all this talent and that i can do amazing things but i never seem to quite have the opportunity to showcase the talent that everyone else seems to think i possess...or at least, i don't have the chance to showcase this talent the way i would like to...and a caedman's call lyric came to mind....

and maybe i have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of....funny how no one wants it....

so i guess i keep hearing that i am so amazing but i feel like i am already so far from ever getting anywhere. i know, that as an actress, i have to do other work to be able to do basic things-- like eat. i know that i most likely will not only be acting as a profession...and if i am, guard your eyes...it shant be a pretty sight.

sighs! there i go again....i talked with my mom tonight too. of course, i started crying then, because if you can't cry with your mom, can you ever really even cry? and crying with mom is such an experience....it's different than crying with anyone else, because she's your MOM, she's home. she's the one who's held your hair back when your heaving up a storm at three am and she's the one who sent you flowers as a stage manager for a children's show because she knew how much work you put into it, and she's the one who calls and leaves you a voicemail just to say i love you. and she knows you...it's like a glimpse of how God knows me, for me...because my mom knows me, she knows my insecurities, and many of my faults, and my potential and my gifts....and she loves me still...so much. and as i talked with her tonight, she was driving, and she just said....

kristy, you have to have confidence in yourself. you have to know you can do it...because if you don't, you might as well stop right now and think about going into something else. you are always degrading yourself, putting yourself down. you can do it...but you have to believe that you can....you have to have confidence in yourself.

as you can see, the words have stuck with me. at least for the past few hours. and i'm just sitting there, nat king cole playing along, and tears are streaming down my face. because i don't know. and i say i believe in myself....but i need all of this justification and encouragement and support from others outside of me....and i always put myself last. i never let people know i need that...i never let myself have time for me. so, i really screw my self over. because if i don't have time for me, how am i going to see what God is doing in my life and what he is calling me to do and to give and to take and to learn moment by moment? i need to reflect more...i need to refocus, yet again.

and i get so busy, but it seems like i am never getting anything done. not anything of worth at the moment...in the long run, it's towards my diploma. and it's towards short term goals, like speech, or ireland...but for my life...my passion...i haven't taken voice lessons in a year and a half. i haven't danced in longer. i haven't had an acting or theater class since the spring semester....a whole summer and now a whole fall semester without training in acting. and i am supposed to go into auditions in less than three months? i don't even like my monologues! and still, i have no TIME to work on these things...and still get school done, and keep relationships. i have speech...but i don't put much effort into that, and still i get trophies. which don't mean much to me...though a first place here and there doesn't hurt the ego, i'm not so sure it's the ego that needs nursing so much as it is the soul.

so i look to others for my value. that's pretty normal, and i recognize it, so it's not like it's out of control yet. and by recognizing, i want to do somehting about it (again)... i'm just tired of feeling like a failure by myself.

and i keep thinking about this quote that andrew has shared with his classes a lot this semester...

The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one of these destinations. ~CS Lewis

how am i treating others in accordance to this? how am i treating myself measured against this standard? which is truly a standard of love. kelly v. blogged about love a week or two ago... made me think a bit more. because i've had a lot on my mind as to figuring out what love is and how we measure by it....how faith, hope, and love will always remain, but the greatest of these is love...and how is it the greatest? what makes it so much greater than faith? or hope?

so i come back to where my focus is. and who i love most. what i love most. how i love most. and is that Christ? right now? always? i want the Lord to be all i want...but i don't believe he is right now, and i know he isn't always. how can i love him better, and by loving him, learn from that love to better love myself, and from this love, learn to better love others? how? i don't know right now....


but i have to finish laundry and wake up early to drive back to canton and work. oh the differences between everything we want, and what we really need....

Just to begin, with an apology. I know my admiring fans have waited with baited breath and hook for this forthcoming blog for *gasp* over two weeks. And now, it has arrived (the red curtain parts and the spot light shines down on the bare stage, kind of like when the enthymeme is introduced). So, at what I do worst, I apologize...my laptop has disconnected me from the internet in my dorm room, and I am now merrily perched in front of the computer at my parent's house, awaiting the day our nation celebrates gluttony (which is thankfully not the way my church celebrates the day). Either way, I love jellied cranberry sauce and my grandma's gracy over turkey cooked three different ways and my cousin's wedding soup. *yumm* Okay, now I sound highly gluttonous (if that's a word).

Hmm...so I feel this proverbial need to fill people in on my life. Like you, dear adoring fan. Well, I'll try to make this as brief as humanly possible...I went to St. Louis. And that was GRRRRRRRRRREAT. Really, though. It was such a blessing to spend that time with the debate team. I <3 Bemis, Clifton, Josiah, Scott, Joe, Blodgett, and of course Andrea. The 13 hour van ride with Joel, Karen, Audrey, and Ann...nothing has been more frustrating or hilarious all at once in my life up to this point. Ann became Gracie Allen with the funny noises she was making, laughing and crying so hard. Karen got to sight see...Audrey didn't quite know how to handle us but laugh and sing along with show tunes, and Joel tolerated our incessant labeling of him as Amazon or backwoods or mountain climber Joel. Ann was crying because she was laughing so hard...of course, only when traffic was at a dead standstill because a trucker fell asleep at the wheel and his rig full of pig fat *yes folks, I said pig fat...hmph* and 70 west was closed for five miles through Terre Haute Indiana...it took THREE hours to go FIVE miles. Something is so not right with that detour. Anyhow, more gold-painted cheap plastic was championed, wahoo.

Okay, so it's not that winning isn't this goal of mine. It's just so SUBJECTIVE with forensics. And in the end, I'd rather learn how to improve and understand how people truly communicate than have a bunch of trophies.

And Tech is in full swing for Sanders Family Christmas and I LOVE THAT CAST. It's really one of the best casts I've ever been a part of, and I'm not even *fully* a part of the cast. It's over half sold out for all shows at this point....in fact, the way ticket sales were going, I'd venture to say that it's over that at this point. It's funny, a good time, etc. It's cool that we (that includes all technical staff) can create the atmosphere of a small church in the 1940's. And I have a pine cone on my coat that might take someone's eye out if they're not careful *winks*

Okay, so I have all of these THINGS that I would love to blog about. Like, I watched CSI tonight and the camera...how it moved and became largely the narrator...but most people probably wouldn't even pick that up.

And again, so many conversations as of late about how I DESPISE that women who are nearing or over 30 that aren't married are pitied or looked at as a lesbian or any other number of things. I cannot stand that!!! I know this is kind of dorky, but what the hey, so am I...this actually was tripped in my mind by an episode of The Nanny last night...her mother is always on her about getting married. So maybe it's this Jewish thing that the show plays up on as a stereotype. But is that it? I could make arguments for both a yes and no, but either way, I can't deny that culture, American as apple pie culture, has played a part in this view. This is both Hollywood and right winged staunch Christianity and everything in between. If a woman isn't married, she is too often portrayed as one who's been wronged, or the wild child that needs tamed, or happily single but sleeping around, etc...has anyone seen a woman portrayed as happily and joyfully single by choice? If you have, please please please let me know! dramachick837@yahoo.com is the address.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And I should be working on homework...that ever-looming dark cloud. And I want to finish my hot chocolate which I can't do while typing. So, farewell, loyal readership. I hope to hear from you soon (anyone else waiting for the final movie of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy? I may have a countdown starting up real soon...)

*peace<><

and i am also trying to play with links....