i keep posting it on facebook, but the social-networking gods are not answering. maybe i should actually pray to God a bit more right now about how anxious and impatient i am feeling as my husband travels home for leave? maybe...

in my dream last night, i dropped a very angry f-bomb. yes, i just typed out "f-bomb". what kind of repressed emotions am i dealing with here folks???

so - i just quit my job, and am going back to school - but also, husband is going to be home on leave from his deployment soon so i will be spending any and all time with him :) seems like lots of life changes are happening for lots of people right now...very disconcerting, but i keep thinking that God is making a change in me. it makes me really uncomfortable and most times, i really don't like it. in fact, i even freak out every now and again, break down in tears and wonder where or how to (literally and figuratively) take my next step. eh, champ - we've made it this far. let's just both keep taking it one little terrifying and exhilirating and tumultuous step at a time. deal?

been meaning to blog but don't feel motivated. it's like how i take sabbaticals from facebook and myspace because they end up eating up so much of my *real* time - and because i don't feel comfortable to be completely honest on here. not sure when i will blog next.

The Great One posted this and I couldn't find a better way to waste time "at work" than here...

1. Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2. Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" at http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
Put it all together, that's your debut album.

My result:



Jordan Park's new album, entitled "out of middle age"


Hahaha...I love it!

I just hope for some clarification to know what it is that I have more passion for - I'm just not sure. I've been trying to do better at living and discovering more of God's Revealed Will, and I've been struck with a growing passion to want to know Him more and spend time with Him more - and really consult him more on things that I was trying to go it alone with before.

So now I am trying to be really good at being patient with this and not expecting an answer to just drop from the heavens just because I'm getting closer to Him. I keep hearing "give it time" in my heart - I keep thinking about how it's like when you offer an apology when you realize you've been living in a way that is very hurtful or difficult to someone you love - and they may accept your apology, but to really believe - it takes time, to fully witness a change (I know this is an extreme example, but like someone saying they are sorry for being an alcoholic to a spouse).

I know God isn't limited to the capacity of a human being in forgiveness and love and He is so much more powerful than what we may work at on our own but maybe - even though He knows - He wants us to come to a point of total reliance on Him for everything, and that is a part of our breaking - and that takes time as well. So I can change things I'm doing for the good or the bad - but my breaking to be more like him, to be a slave to Him, a bondslave or a prisoner for - being not my own and bought at a price - takes time. And that can easily tie back to God's will being something that he continually unveils to us as we follow hard after him. It's with a continual following, a continual growing passion - that growth happens, that unveiling happens, that more is revealed to us...not like God is the Wizard of Oz and we are trying to get behind a mask but that he gives us (as cliche as it sounds) just enough light for the step we are on.

I think it's easy to be frightened when you can't see the next step - when it feels like there may be a great leap of faith on the horizon and there may be a great fall from *where-you-think-you-are/where-you-want-to-be* to be grounded in the truth of dreams coming true that you may not have even known existed - to be *where-you-are-supposed-to-be*. It's easy to be frightened, but it's brave to trust Love - it's a crazy foolishness, even. It may seem borderline insane to trust in what is good, in the hope of possibilities, when so often we (and our subconscious expectations) are let down by all that surrounds us. I'm not talking about the charismatic-Tammy Faye Baker-theatrical type of showmanship trust - I'm talking about the quiet trust that a life can be staked on (and has been).

Okay, hopping off yet another soap box for me now :)

a piece of my heart is just breaking right now for a dear friend.

i know i'm not suzy sunshine, with rays shooting out of...places...

i just pray i don't say the wildly inappropriate things that i usually do when i am trying to make people that i love laugh when times and circumstances and life just stinks.

don't get me wrong - i love to make people, especially people that allow me in to their inner circle - laugh.

there's just a time and a place for that - and when things are really sad, i usually verbally wander away from whatever may be appropriate.

dear God just be with her right now, be with her family. if it hurts this much for me, i can't begin to fathom how much it hurts for her, for them.