Wednesday, February 18, 2004

in between american history 2 and playwriting right now...

and i just got back from *randomly* seeing an old friend that i haven't seen and actually talked with in about two, no three years.

and it was great because we just talked and accepted each other for how we each have changed and grown. well, as much as one can in a 30 minute surprise conversation. it was good, as the Lord said. and i wonder why more relationships can't just be like that? why we have to feel this sense of obligation as to who we maintain relationship with and we have to have these reasonings that don't seem all that sound to me sometimes.

for online philosophy, we had to post some threaded discussions answering the question "does knowledge require certainty?" from descartes and from 2 of 3 conversations about knowing. i want to post my two threads here sometime soon. and i want to hear thoughts on them when i do. i need to find a way to do the whole "comments" thing and the links on the side thing. i don't know how...andrew, can you teach me that too?

sometimes i feel like a puppet. and i'm not always sure who the puppeteer is. is that a bad thing? because sometimes, i just want to go. just, go...i don't know where or why or even if with anyone. perhaps it's the spiritual equivalent to a nudist colony. ha, that sounds so blasphemous...but i swear i don't mean it that way. what i mean, is that, i so strongly desire to be free from things that i believe are weighing me down that i want to literally throw them off, tear them away, burn them, forget about them...and just go. and be. stupid concept of freedom. what in the world do i want to be free from? (insert sarcasm here, but i'm not quite sure why).

okay, off to class. the posts on certainty and knowledge shall come later<><

Thursday, February 12, 2004

i leave for ireland in 23 days.

i think skits is the irish slang for what i feel (which translated, roughly means, crap my pants).

brian burned a cd for me...damien rice. and i like it, a lot. it's my latest "cd's to listen to while i work so i can focus and get my work done" cd things.

i don't know if i'll want to be back in the states after being in ireland for 9 days. ps, if you'd like to send support my way to help fund the trip (any questions about what the trip is please email me at i'm all for it. and above that, if you could pray for me, and for the team that is going, that would be fantastic.

i need to figure out about all this audition stuff for NYC before i leave for ireland...seeing as it's like, four days after i get back that i will have to audition.

brian's RA referred to me as "your girlfriend" to brian tonight. that was weird. i don't know how to take that, without a clear definition in our relationship. i am cool with where brian and i are, but i'm not sure quite what it looks like to an outsider...if that makes any sense?

and all this with valentine's day coming up. well, isn't this fun. i think it's a hallmark holiday, really. but still, i am a girl. and there's this part of me that kind of nags in the back of my mind, loving the romance of it all, while this other part of me kind of grunts with hatred toward the couples and lovey-dovey cheese that the holiday seems to promote. that part makes me want to vomit. the other part...well, it makes me appreciate the abundance of love God has so graciously bestowed upon me at this point in my life, in such *tangible* ways as relationships.

okay, i need to do capstone.

stupid needing to do "stuff"

Friday, February 06, 2004

so this whole traveling two weekends in a row kicks me in the pants.

i seem to be in the habit of sleeping a maximum of four hours a night and taking a three hour nap late afternoon/early evening.

and don't get me wrong- yeah for sleep...but i have all this *work* to do and all of these amazing people i WANT to spend time with (ahem, trena, again i apologize~ i didn't mean to bow out on you this evening) and then i go for this looooooooong nap. hopefully this weekend helps me catch up on things and straighten out my sleeping patterns.

i am tired of food. that does not mean i am gonna be all anorexic...have no fears. i'm just bombarded with food at every turn in my day practically and i am just tired of it. i don't need all of this fried crap and things, things that i used to love, do not even taste that good to me bananas. in theory, mmmm. in reality, i take a bite and it's done. i think the traveling had something to do with that as well.

i cannot begin to say how i adore NYC. i just wanted to wander around Times Square for hours and stand at the doors of theaters and maybe pretend that i am graduated and a starving artist in NYC and i'll have to get on the subway and go to my apartment in brooklyn that i share with two other people and i will love it and want to wet my pants all at once because of the beauty of life...not a "this is all there is?" type of thing...but a joy in the every moment of it all.

i am excited for auditions there in march. but that is the week after ireland, and ireland is my first priority. *amen*

i get to help baby-sit the rudd children tomorrow. or, later today if you want to get all technical. and i am so down wit dat (quote, unquote, andrew rudd).

i performed for tammie's oral interp. class today, and then dez and i answered questions after...and for one of the first times outwardly, i've truly realized that i can't please everyone...that no one can. and i am comfortable in my own skin in such a way that if someone doesn't like how i perform, then they don't. yes, i still want to always be learning new ways to stretch myself and to improve. yes, i want to always do my best. but does *my* best mean what some director or auditor or judge thinks is best? maybe. maybe not. and i am completely okay with that.
i know, that sounds kind of whiney and immature. so be it. it took me a while to get to this place. i have too long depended on the opinions of others to justify my self-worth in this world. i have measured my self in so many unhealthy ways. i probably still am in ways that i haven't realized yet. but either way, i am here now. and i like here. and i choose to like there, somewhere down the road, over the rainbow (of college/school) and whatnot...

okay, now back to the american history paper.

peace out yo.