Tuesday, December 16, 2003

sorry again for not writing in the longest time....my computer's internet is still not up and running along yet, and i have not found the time amidst finals, classes ending, work, and the end of sanders to blog. but know please that i still want to write! i need to write....

i've had a lot on my mind lately...and it seems that i can't sort it all out. i cried a lot today....out of fear that i won't be following my passions once i graduate in less than six months...out of fear that if i do follow my passions (which if i didn't i think i might die) that i won't "succeed"...and i i chatted briefly online with ellen about this (pre-date for wednesday's dinner and coffee/ reaaaalllllly long talk) about how i do not feel talented in the least and how all these people keep telling me that i have all this talent and that i can do amazing things but i never seem to quite have the opportunity to showcase the talent that everyone else seems to think i possess...or at least, i don't have the chance to showcase this talent the way i would like to...and a caedman's call lyric came to mind....

and maybe i have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of....funny how no one wants it....

so i guess i keep hearing that i am so amazing but i feel like i am already so far from ever getting anywhere. i know, that as an actress, i have to do other work to be able to do basic things-- like eat. i know that i most likely will not only be acting as a profession...and if i am, guard your eyes...it shant be a pretty sight.

sighs! there i go again....i talked with my mom tonight too. of course, i started crying then, because if you can't cry with your mom, can you ever really even cry? and crying with mom is such an experience....it's different than crying with anyone else, because she's your MOM, she's home. she's the one who's held your hair back when your heaving up a storm at three am and she's the one who sent you flowers as a stage manager for a children's show because she knew how much work you put into it, and she's the one who calls and leaves you a voicemail just to say i love you. and she knows you...it's like a glimpse of how God knows me, for me...because my mom knows me, she knows my insecurities, and many of my faults, and my potential and my gifts....and she loves me still...so much. and as i talked with her tonight, she was driving, and she just said....

kristy, you have to have confidence in yourself. you have to know you can do it...because if you don't, you might as well stop right now and think about going into something else. you are always degrading yourself, putting yourself down. you can do it...but you have to believe that you can....you have to have confidence in yourself.

as you can see, the words have stuck with me. at least for the past few hours. and i'm just sitting there, nat king cole playing along, and tears are streaming down my face. because i don't know. and i say i believe in myself....but i need all of this justification and encouragement and support from others outside of me....and i always put myself last. i never let people know i need that...i never let myself have time for me. so, i really screw my self over. because if i don't have time for me, how am i going to see what God is doing in my life and what he is calling me to do and to give and to take and to learn moment by moment? i need to reflect more...i need to refocus, yet again.

and i get so busy, but it seems like i am never getting anything done. not anything of worth at the moment...in the long run, it's towards my diploma. and it's towards short term goals, like speech, or ireland...but for my life...my passion...i haven't taken voice lessons in a year and a half. i haven't danced in longer. i haven't had an acting or theater class since the spring semester....a whole summer and now a whole fall semester without training in acting. and i am supposed to go into auditions in less than three months? i don't even like my monologues! and still, i have no TIME to work on these things...and still get school done, and keep relationships. i have speech...but i don't put much effort into that, and still i get trophies. which don't mean much to me...though a first place here and there doesn't hurt the ego, i'm not so sure it's the ego that needs nursing so much as it is the soul.

so i look to others for my value. that's pretty normal, and i recognize it, so it's not like it's out of control yet. and by recognizing, i want to do somehting about it (again)... i'm just tired of feeling like a failure by myself.

and i keep thinking about this quote that andrew has shared with his classes a lot this semester...

The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one of these destinations. ~CS Lewis

how am i treating others in accordance to this? how am i treating myself measured against this standard? which is truly a standard of love. kelly v. blogged about love a week or two ago... made me think a bit more. because i've had a lot on my mind as to figuring out what love is and how we measure by it....how faith, hope, and love will always remain, but the greatest of these is love...and how is it the greatest? what makes it so much greater than faith? or hope?

so i come back to where my focus is. and who i love most. what i love most. how i love most. and is that Christ? right now? always? i want the Lord to be all i want...but i don't believe he is right now, and i know he isn't always. how can i love him better, and by loving him, learn from that love to better love myself, and from this love, learn to better love others? how? i don't know right now....

but i have to finish laundry and wake up early to drive back to canton and work. oh the differences between everything we want, and what we really need....

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Just to begin, with an apology. I know my admiring fans have waited with baited breath and hook for this forthcoming blog for *gasp* over two weeks. And now, it has arrived (the red curtain parts and the spot light shines down on the bare stage, kind of like when the enthymeme is introduced). So, at what I do worst, I apologize...my laptop has disconnected me from the internet in my dorm room, and I am now merrily perched in front of the computer at my parent's house, awaiting the day our nation celebrates gluttony (which is thankfully not the way my church celebrates the day). Either way, I love jellied cranberry sauce and my grandma's gracy over turkey cooked three different ways and my cousin's wedding soup. *yumm* Okay, now I sound highly gluttonous (if that's a word).

Hmm...so I feel this proverbial need to fill people in on my life. Like you, dear adoring fan. Well, I'll try to make this as brief as humanly possible...I went to St. Louis. And that was GRRRRRRRRRREAT. Really, though. It was such a blessing to spend that time with the debate team. I <3 Bemis, Clifton, Josiah, Scott, Joe, Blodgett, and of course Andrea. The 13 hour van ride with Joel, Karen, Audrey, and Ann...nothing has been more frustrating or hilarious all at once in my life up to this point. Ann became Gracie Allen with the funny noises she was making, laughing and crying so hard. Karen got to sight see...Audrey didn't quite know how to handle us but laugh and sing along with show tunes, and Joel tolerated our incessant labeling of him as Amazon or backwoods or mountain climber Joel. Ann was crying because she was laughing so hard...of course, only when traffic was at a dead standstill because a trucker fell asleep at the wheel and his rig full of pig fat *yes folks, I said pig fat...hmph* and 70 west was closed for five miles through Terre Haute Indiana...it took THREE hours to go FIVE miles. Something is so not right with that detour. Anyhow, more gold-painted cheap plastic was championed, wahoo.

Okay, so it's not that winning isn't this goal of mine. It's just so SUBJECTIVE with forensics. And in the end, I'd rather learn how to improve and understand how people truly communicate than have a bunch of trophies.

And Tech is in full swing for Sanders Family Christmas and I LOVE THAT CAST. It's really one of the best casts I've ever been a part of, and I'm not even *fully* a part of the cast. It's over half sold out for all shows at this point....in fact, the way ticket sales were going, I'd venture to say that it's over that at this point. It's funny, a good time, etc. It's cool that we (that includes all technical staff) can create the atmosphere of a small church in the 1940's. And I have a pine cone on my coat that might take someone's eye out if they're not careful *winks*

Okay, so I have all of these THINGS that I would love to blog about. Like, I watched CSI tonight and the camera...how it moved and became largely the narrator...but most people probably wouldn't even pick that up.

And again, so many conversations as of late about how I DESPISE that women who are nearing or over 30 that aren't married are pitied or looked at as a lesbian or any other number of things. I cannot stand that!!! I know this is kind of dorky, but what the hey, so am I...this actually was tripped in my mind by an episode of The Nanny last night...her mother is always on her about getting married. So maybe it's this Jewish thing that the show plays up on as a stereotype. But is that it? I could make arguments for both a yes and no, but either way, I can't deny that culture, American as apple pie culture, has played a part in this view. This is both Hollywood and right winged staunch Christianity and everything in between. If a woman isn't married, she is too often portrayed as one who's been wronged, or the wild child that needs tamed, or happily single but sleeping around, etc...has anyone seen a woman portrayed as happily and joyfully single by choice? If you have, please please please let me know! dramachick837@yahoo.com is the address.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And I should be working on homework...that ever-looming dark cloud. And I want to finish my hot chocolate which I can't do while typing. So, farewell, loyal readership. I hope to hear from you soon (anyone else waiting for the final movie of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy? I may have a countdown starting up real soon...)


Wednesday, November 12, 2003

and i am also trying to play with links....
almost another week gone by....

time flies when you're having fun, don't you think?

oh sarcasm is highly irrelevant on the computer screen. it's just not so effective becuase it loses that personal touch that makes it mine, ya know? *deep sigh*
who knew that i would be lamenting sarcasm when midnight rolls around?

and why do i keep asking questions of you? like you'll answer, or something.

i leave for st. louis on friday...and won't be back until late on Sunday night. it'll be good to get out of Canton for a bit. it'll be great, in fact. thursday night is a trip to cleveland playhouse square to see thoroughly modern millie (www.modernmillie.com) and have a q and a session with juliana, the coolest understudy in the world.

oh gag me and my silly little delusions. i keep thinking that if i leave, i'll have this magical thing to come back to. call it home, call it love, call it whatever you'd like. but the more i leave, the more i realize that there's got to be something bigger that drives me, inside. and i am just scared that i don't have what it takes. what it takes to do what, i am not quite sure. i have these auditions in march, and i do not know what the Lord has up his sleeve for me...not that i am suggesting the Lord is playing a good craps game or something of that nature with my life....just, He's full of surprises. and it's surprising because, at this point, i feel like i've no idea where He's taking me. or i do and i lack the confidence at this moment to believe it.

i went home last night (monday night) because i hadn't seen my parents in five weeks, which is pre-california LA visit, and i missed them. children don't do that enough with their parents by the way. and when they do, they don't admit it enough. and i was supposed to visit my grandma. and i forgot that i had an exam in my early class on Tuesday to study for, and i don't get out of class on mondays until 4 so i didn't get home until nearly 530 and i hate that i had to call my grandmother that i love and miss SO dearly and tell her that i had to study for this exam for a class that is so STUPID in my book and i have to take it to graduate and the professor has tenure so i hear a lot of his political views which i could quite frankly care less about when he is not encouraging us as individuals to learn the evidences or whatever and decide for ourselves. granted, we don't have doctorates yet, but can't we please be allowed to THINK for ourselves??!?!?!
and i just wanted to see my grandma. how sad is it that when i call her (at least once a week or so) she nearly bursts into tears because, although my mother sees her about once a week, and she has her card club and her visits from her brother, she tells me that she is bored and lonely? can i even begin to say how much my heart breaks knowing my grandmother sits at home watching baseball or football on tv and listening to perry como as she schedules her meal times in between her medicines and she's alone, while i have these "things" that society and the educational structure continually tell me i HAVE to do. or else...what?

i have to work. i know that. i have to pay bills and build credit. otherwise, i will be in grande trouble as i graduate with a 20+ thousand dollar debt from student loans. ah, the educational system. who knew how grande it could be?

i have to gain experience in my field. which requires a lot of rehearsal and commitment of my time, mainly at night, the only time i don't have classes, or the only time i could otherwise work.

i have to be well-rounded. okay, i like that idea. i'll admit it. i like being well-rounded. but to feed into a competition of who knows most and who does best? gaaaa! and doing so because i am taking some courses that aren't even challenging me to think.

i have to write papers and take exams to demonstrate my understanding of the knowledge, and then be GRADED...oh so subjectively check out the NOV 10th blog here....always great comments and commentary, great one.

i have to develop relationships which are meaningful and fulfilling. this is a staple of life. and yet, with all the "stuff" in life, what gets shoved to the back first, too often?

as bemis would say "ring by spring" or for non-Malone-ites, i best be getting engaged before i graduate college. i mean, what else is a good college education for other than to find that perfect mr. right? and i, of course, i am then fulfilled and have found meaning as a person because i can be married before i am 23. (note: sarcasm).

where was it started to say that a woman finds her worth in whose arm she walks into a room on? or that romance and marriage only happen if you are "good enough"? what is good enough, anyway? what if, i never get married? will society refuse to accept me (especially Christian circles) because i am not searching and focusing my hopes and dreams on finding that perfect mate? i get so ANGRY that women are pitied because they aren't married by age 30. what is there to pity? paul flat out states that it is better NOT to marry...he knows that by golly, it's hard work. it's a HUGE thing. if he could figure it out back then, then why can't we figure that out before that dreamy and expensive trip down the aisle today?

okay, i've got a morning class. and it's one that i actually like...substantial discussion and learning occurs. every morning. wow...what a concept for higher education...discourse and discussion. free thought and thinking THROUGH issues, and not around them. on that note, i shall slumber peacefully. night folks, see ya'll again hopefully sooner than a week from now<><

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

sooooo at the command and complaint of andrew rudd (who now is mentioned in two of my three blogs...FEEL SPECIAL) i am blogging. it's been a real busy week folks.

i found out today that i have been accepted to be interviewed for the Ireland 2004 service learning trip. and that's really cool, but i am still not quite sure the purpose here. it's more out of fear than anything else i think. i don't want to face the fact that i would love to go, and i am afraid that things won't work out the way i want them to, so i just kind of act like it's okay. i am giving it all over to God every step of the way...as soon as i start thinking about the trip and the application process in an unhealthy manner (eg when there are five of us in the cafeteria who start talking about it) i reroute the conversation and just pray that the Lord's will be done.

and that is such an ambiguous statement sometimes, don't you (yes, you) think? it's like...too many Christians get all happy using the phrase when they are just too afraid to admit they are big weinies and don't really pray for what they truly desire...even when i pray for what i really desire (which i should by the way) God isn't always gonna see things the same way, and His answer could quite possibly be quite different from what i would like. or, they don't know what they want and don't want to put much thought into it so they (being the general stereotype of Christians) just say, "the Lord's will be done" or something of that sort...laziness perhaps?

which leads me to a whole other thought...how is it that I can sit in the front section in chapel and still want to look at the screens when there is a speaker not fifteen feet from me? and i know i'm not alone...this generation raised on television. [sidenote: i believe my parents have done a fantastic job with me thus far and trust they will continue to do so as well]. is that laziness? or just....conditioning. so do i want to be a conditioned lab rat? or should i do this whole "rage against the machine" thing? i don't know....

oh here's a really cool quote. and i think it fits. except i'm not a guy, i'm a chick (in case you were wondering) but it applies no less...

I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie that everyone's pulling for. I want you to be the guy in the rated R movie who you're not sure if you like.

--Trent frong Swingers

i think i like it. it's more true to life, more real than the whole idea that like the infamous seven myths (alluding the mass media and society here) where there's this overarching theme with many that so many people are pulling for you or me....that the main theme is that so many are on your side as you succeed. which i don't really think is the case....i guess it depends how you measure success though....if it's that whole get rich and famous thing, there is just a small group of people supporting you along the way. and if it's celebrating life's little victories, there's still a small support group that surrounds you. i guess, it's just like....there's more real love you can experience in that smaller group than you ever will at any point in time in your life. cherish it. go kiss babies and make peace signs and run for public office. but cherish it, okay?

okay...i have a job interview at lerner's tomorrow which is cool because i love the clothes there...but i am still working at dick's sporting goods. who knows where this will go...and now to work on groups and watch the golden girls in the living room *big smiles* later kids. oh and check out great show...can't wait to see it and juliana! okay good night for real!!! <><

Thursday, October 30, 2003

okay so i am lazy and didn't feel like copying and pasting the extremely long journals i've posted on blurty...please, do feel free to read, put comments there or here...i plan on only using *my blog* from now on (ah, the beauty of it all)....

okay, now to actually blog. hehe...such a fun word. blog.

it has been a LONG week. like every other week, but still not quite the same. if that makes any sense? (i seem to ask that a lot). a lot of homework in groups class...another group project *gaaaa* which is a ton of fun because i love my Permanent Work Group.

God's decided to challenge me. which is cool and all, but doesn't that always seem to come at the most inopportune times? i mean, who really schedules in a good challenge now and again? not i. maybe i should. anyhoo! the challenge is within the boundaries of giving ALL of my life over to God...more than i ever have before. which is a good thing and all...but stretching! ouch. sometimes, what i think is best is not what God knows to be best for me. so circumstantial, and so confusing because what else do i have to rely on outside of emotions? i've got this Guide, and it's so ambiguous at times. but i guess that's really all i want to get into about that now...i'm not ready to tell people about that just yet. so hold your pants on...

hmm...so i've decided that all i do is work and sleep and do homework and go to class. there are way too many people that i love and cherish that so very soon i won't be around anymore. only a semester and a half of college left *gasp* and i won't be around them every day. i don't know if i even want to start thinking about the drastic transition that will be. so, monday was strike and i almost died when i looked at the makeup room. i know in the grande cosmic scheme of things the fact that the makeup and dressing rooms were semi-trashed doesn't really matter. but when i have put so much time in to those rooms...i'm gonna at least have heart palpitations when things aren't in place and there's powder/makeup everywhere...

a short group meeting, which was a bit difficult for me. after the emotional weekend i had, i spent most of Sunday and Monday in tears. ah, the dramatics that define me...at least, part of me.

and then the patience required for a conversation...oh yes, kristy. and patience. we all know how tight the two are. okay, not all of us really, or all of you. but ya, kristy and patience aren't so tight all the time. so it's funny, because when i least want to be patient is when i know i most need to be. oh the humor that is the tragedy of life!

i ended up crying some more and falling asleep shortly, barely waking up on time for class. one more deadline...one deadline after another....always rushing, from one meeting or class or scheduled thing to another. sometimes i want to just say, screw it. i don't care. like last night...

there was this independant film showing, with the director who would do a q and a after. and i am "required" to go for a THEATER organization i am involved in...and in my mind, although i do love film, i am thinking "bite me!" i don't want to go...i don't like the guy who wrote/directed anyway. i had him as prof. previously for dialects. so i have this predisposition to dislike every moment of the film as it is. and i had other "better" things to be doing at the time. so there was all this anger stewing up inside me. because i had to be at this place that wasn't important to me but i am supposed to go because my presence there will change something? what, i am still not quite sure.

but i must keep going and doing and being. like this, machine. and i realize that there are things in life that i will have to do every day that i might not like so much to better the things that i love. but that doesn't mean that i will ever like the things i don't like just because they are an ends to a mean. i will act as God wants me to, in striving for obedience. hmm...obedience. a topic to be discussed at another time.

so i had to work tonight. and i like the people there. i like talking with them. i don't always like that i am usually the one working for them as well as myself so some of the other people can chat. that was okay.

i've mixed feelings about tomorrow. i was supposed to have a stats exam, but it is cancelled along with class. because the prof's grandmother died. so i feel really horrible that he is going through that on top of all the other stuff that is life. but i am so relieved and downright joyful that the exam has been moved. it was just one more thing to me, ya know?

and i have to finish this ireland service learning trip application. my roommate is flipping out about it, claiming that it will take pages to finish but i've started it and it's not taking long at all. gaaaaa....just because she can't be concise! thump...again, off that soap box.

so now to think about....what is the purpose of an onion ring?

what does good and bad really mean?

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

okay so i started a blog. it just seems so much cooler than blurty. and andrew rudd recommended it highly above blurty...so why not do what people tell me to? anyhow...i shall post at a later time...i must go work on my ethics paper...and i shall also post my blurty journals on here so ya'll can be filled in on the past of the great O. who doesn't want to know really? ya, that's what i thought. okay....later kids!