Sunday, November 14, 2004

**this has nothing to do with the previous post, but i figured, why not add a little political humor to what is my life right now???

i shall now relay the story of how the west virginian children told me they were going to vote before the elections, and why.

it was the monday before election day, and we (saltworks) had just performed a show about drugs and it's effect on a person and the family, and i am sitting in the middle of a noisy cafeteria teeming with seventh graders. i put my tray on the table and start picking at my mystery meat substance, and look to the girl on my right.

"so," i say," if you could vote, who would you vote for?"

she stares at me and pulls her fruit roll-up from her nylon sponge-bob lunch box, and blinks. "i'd vote for kerry because bush is responsible for thousands of people dying in war, over in Iraq and stuff."

"well, why is kerry better than bush?" i reply, not batting an eyelash.

she picks at the fruit roll-up. "i don't know. i just don't like bush."

a young version of zach morris sits down next to me, and i turn to him. "so, who would you vote for if you could vote today?"

he rips open his milk carton and retorts "bush, because if kerry is president, he'll ban hunting, and my dad and i go hunting all the time."

a young poet sitting across from me nods vigorously in agreement. "well," she exclaims, "the whole hunting thing would be bad because if you can't hunt, then there'd just be too many animals running around."

her hands start to wave in a frenzied excitement, matching the tone in her voice. "and then, everything changes depending on what you think about the whole homosexual marriage thing. because kerry's for it," she pauses to frown in disdain, "but bush is against it."

her enthusiasm continues. "now, i personally think that they should all go on an island somewhere, you know, and just be gay there." she picks up her plastic fork with nonchalance and digs in to her mashed potatoes. "what about you?" she asks.

"i don't know," i reply. because "i don't know" seems to be the only safe answer in this world, at this moment.

so- there's the story of how the west virginia children would vote. i suppose- it doesn't seem so much different than how the rest of "adult" america votes.
so, no matter how prepared i think i still hurts.

i don't really want to talk about "it"

but i do want to be honest. i'm afraid...that this change will have effects that ripple through the rest of my life and relationships. maybe- not all of my relationships. but i am sad that there are people at mal-one who i now wonder if they will still be friends with me.

i guess...something of substance?

that doesn't make any sense. well, it does to me, for now, at least.

i've seen more and more this past week that God divinely takes care of me in all the details. i see it- but i still don't believe it. or, i believe it, but the extent of the pain that i can feel doesn't seem to decrease.

challenge: to look at this as: an opportunity for God to fill me with his joy; the blessing of gaining a friend back; a place to be human and hurt but not be swallowed by that hurt; to rely on God without denying my human condition.

hmm...that last one. i think maybe- full reliance on God is found within the realization of a fallen human condition. but...i think i justify my reliance on God too often, avoiding the reality that i am still human and do still go through all that a human goes's just too easy sometimes to cover myself with the mask of "contemporary Christianity".

the only people that i could let hug or touch me right now would be: my mom, my dad, my sister, and erin. i've never felt compelled to push people away least, not like this.

i want to be in a "real" theater production. don't get me wrong- saltworks is an amazing job. but i need something as an outlet right now. so, i'm going to keep searching for more "real" auditions. let me know if you know of anything.

for all that i've been wrapped up in for the past six weeks....i've not been a very good friend. i've not kept in touch like i want to. and i seem to be losing my memory. so- i take the stand that i don't want to forget. please, help me to keep remembering.

Monday, November 08, 2004

so i was talking with erin (surprise)

and she brought up a really good point....

if you see the potential in someone, and strive to encourage them to reach that potential- but- they don't see that potential on their own or don't believe it (as in the space for growth/improvement) then aren't you just controlling them with good intentions?

i'd say yes.

even the best intentions have the *potential* for the most sinister outcomes.

and when i spoke of faults/flaws in the previous blog- i should have added one more word-- that the flaws alone do not make a person...but one cannot be who they are without this flaws. the flaws are a part of what all that person encompasses.

letting go and cherishing sleep....

Sunday, November 07, 2004

it seems that every post i get to write in here as of "late" has been depressing.

so, i'm going to *try* to break that trend and be honest.

church was interesting today. well-- it was informative, and a blessing. but i was still falling asleep. even though i went to the last service and got a solid eight hours of sleep last night. there was a pastor from syria speaking this weekend, the man in charge of the syrian CMA churches. it was so cool to hear how the gospel and churches are thriving in this part of the world- and to hear and see video of things like retreats for the youth and such- so very similar to what goes on in the states in appearance, at least. i am sure things are not "the same" with it being a completely different culture and whatnot-- but to know that God is doing amazing works, to see in a more tangible way that He is a bigger God than anything I can was good.

i was supposed to go to cleveland this weekend, which ended up not happening. it might be for the best, but i am still reaching and praying for understanding right now.

i was thinking today-- that we are who we are....we were each created to be who we are- we were given our flaws and our better attributes. and that musical- off-broadway- "i love you, you're perfect, now change"- i was listening to that this weekend. and i keep thinking- i don't want to change anybody. because i don't want someone to try and change me- in to this ideal of a person that they want me to be. transparent: i am speaking more about "romantic" relationships. but-- can't we always work on how we communicate with one another? at least- try to reach an understanding, when there doesn't seem to be one...or when one seems so very far off? i want to. i want to learn how to best communicate. but it's really hard when i don't know how i am not being understood- and i don't know how to begin to understand. communication- can make me very vulnerable. and i know that the risk is greater- but so is the payoff. the reward- of the honesty and truth and beauty of letting go and letting be.

i think- that loving someone means loving them for who they are, where they are- and not playing God- not making them in to who i think is better or best- but seeing the potentials that God has for them and encouraging them towards that ever-pressing goal. and i think loving someone means that you have to allow yourself to be loved- to acknowledge your flaws- but not apologize for them, as if that is what makes you who you are; they are, a part of you, which without you could not be you. like- i know i can be a huge pain in the ass and very high maintenance- but i am also extremely compassionate and (i've been told) charming and charismatic. so, i'm sassy. and i have a huge fear of abandonment. which my frustrations stem from. and i am a control freak. i've got baggage. but who doesn't? because other's baggage looks different doesn't mean they are less of a person. should they be loved any less by me because they have different needs and fears and quirks and gifts than me? shall i offer less grace because they fall short where i exceed? isn't that the opposite of what the body of Christ is called to do? because- love- is work. is so very much work. but- there goes back to the payoff- the risk and the reward. if i am hurt, do i choose to be less vulnerable, or do i allow that hurt to be brokenness mended by God alone, and allow the overflow of what God gives me that i can't deserve spill over in to other's lives when they least deserve it? i guess- either way, there doesn't seem to be a "safe place".

anyhow- i am off for "coffee" with a dear old friend, johnny. so, my musings, ponderings, and senseless babble will have to wait to reach paper till a later time.

hope this finds you resting in the grip of grace<><