Thursday, June 24, 2004

not feeling very original right now...
i heard this song on the way in to work yesterday, and it seemed to make the day a lot better for me. sounds cliche, but it captures what my heart is right now. so, i copied and pasted the (i think i have an obsession there). it's by chris rice, and it's called "smile" so here to work again am i.

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now

You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile
i just want this waiting to be over...

i wanted to talk today
about everything and nothing at all.
i didn't know where to start.

so, i was handed another script as i walked in to work.
and i had to say what was there.
i think i hate that.

words, being put in to my mouth.
but this time, i get paid for it.

i don't think i've ever been a part of something

but, if this is the most unethical thing i've ever been a part of...
i guess i'm not doing too bad.

i want to quit.
i am on the hunt for a job that i can work at
make money
at least,
enough to save up some for the moving out thing,
and still sleep well at night with.

quitting is such a dirty word.

well, the 730 am wake up call beckons me...
a "final" in my dance class tomorrow.
at least this time it's on stuff that i know a *little* bit more about.

if you know of any job openings in or around the youngstown area...
let me know.

Monday, June 21, 2004

back from a-live.

it was good times, being a "fish" intern for a week and meeting a lot of the artist's.

but i realized- that i have all of these *expectations* going in to any and everything. because i had such an amazing time and amazing people that i was with last year, i thought that i was going to have the same way of amazing-ness this year (that was way too many "amazings")...but i didn't...i still had a good time, and different kinds of fun, because i was with completely different people...but it wasn't amazing.

do i do this with everything i go in to? especially in relationships...especially in one particular relationship with a boy. i think i do...another part of the fallenness of me that i despise.

i've come to the conclusion that i really don't like myself a whole lot. this is not an invitation to pity me...this is simply a realization. i usually put on a decent "front" (at least, i think i do) that i like myself, while still being myself. so...i "am" myself, but i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to become what i would rather be than what i admit i really am in the quiet spaces of my mind.

i keep playing these *tragic* scenarios in my mind, trying to imagine what i would do in them...what would my reactions be, how would those around me this the way i should react, that i want to react, or that i would really react? this isn't a creepy thing...or unusual, i should say...i've done it most of my life, trying to play out these *scenes* before they ever happen...the what-if's, because that's a popular enough phrase these days. and sometimes i get so caught up in all of these what-if's that i'm not right here...i'm detached and pulled in to thousands of different directions and i don't fully react to my life in the here-and-now. so...the stage is like this place where i can just focus on the here-and-now. and when i'm away too long, i feel even more disjointed. does that make the stage a god to me?

this blog is getting too long. i'll write more some other time.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

To whom it may concern:

Kristy will be at the Alive Festival for the next few days. She does hope to see you there, and if not there...well, some time soon.

Bye kids!

Monday, June 14, 2004

I apologize for the *extremely* long blog that preceeded this one.

Now I shall play with my puppy and try to discover the in's and out's of a shop-vac.
I love the calm before the storm. It still scares the *piss* out of me but I thoroughly enjoy it.

I don't believe i have recorded the story of *the gas station attendant who gave me a cigar smoking lesson*

So now I will.

So, a little while ago, Erin and I (yes, the one who snorts and we are always together almost) decided to take a little drive up to Cleveland. Because we were/are bored out of our minds with Canton and Youngstown, respectively. So, I meander on over to the greater Canton area, and as I am nearing that which many know as Mal-one, Sab popped in to my mind. So, I called him (what's with me using "So," so much?). And upon my calling him, I discovered that he was in fact, doing nothing, and would be free for a day of frolicking in the Cleveland area.

Thusly, I went to pick him up at E. Hisey's place of residence. And upon my arrival there, I was *delighted* to see her! However, her day was planned around doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every moment of it, so Adam made him self pretty and we headed out the door to pick up Erin. We trekked (did I spell that right?) to Cleveland and romped around Tower City for a while, and then went to see Mean Girls (hey, New York Minute is pretty darn good too, so I hear...). And dinner at Hard Rock. And then a quick jaunt over to a land just East of the greater Cleveland area for Ice Cream *mmmmmmmmm* with B-rian.

So, (there I go again) after a semi-full day of adventures, we start heading back. Only, five minutes on the road and I discover this insatiable *urge* to smoke a cigar. Now, I've never smoked a cigar before in my life...the junior high and high school days of hiding behind buildings and smoking cigarettes grossed me out enough that I have not wanted to smoke anything *ever* again since. But that night, I wanted a cigar.

Adam was, of course, more than a bit excited at this. So, we pull in to the BP station right before the entrance to 90 and head in for my new cigar stirrings. Erin meanders off to find Starbursts and other *random* cravings, and Adam and I stand before the cigar stand, with me pondering which one I want to try. The attendant behind the counter takes notice of this, and starts asking questions.

"Have you ever smoked a cigar before?"

"No," I answer.

"Well, you need to try (and then he started sounding like adults do on the Peanuts comic)..."

"Well, I don't even know how to smoke one!" I giggle.

"Oh, well, all you have to do is breathe this and that way and then puff this and that way and then push it through your nose and do a little rain dance."

Okay, he didn't say the last part. But I had no idea what he meant, so I was looking at him like he did say it.

"Hold on, hold on!"


He runs off and Adam and I kind of look at each other in confusion. (Can you be "in" confusion? Hmmm...). He reappears, cigar in mouth, and starts puffing away and shooting streams of cigar smoke out at me through his nostrils.

I, of course, was forever grateful that he showed me. Or at least, I acted like I was. I was more in disbelief that the BP attendant decided to hop out from behind the counter and demonstrate the how-to's of smoking a cigar for me. Adam showed me how to anyhow.

So, (okay, I think I need to start abstaining from this word) there goes the story of How Kristy Smoked Her First Cigar. Jolly good times.

Oh, and for Andrew Rudd...from a few posts ago (of yours)...hop is only one letter away from hope. So are bunny rabbits and toads closer to having a salvation experience then say, snails?

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

I sat through dance class was a four hour and fifteen minute marathon. I had to watch this video of the LA festival of Cultures (I think that's the name of it?)...who cares about the name...
anyhow. My professor keeps echoing this sentiment as we journey through American Heritage dances and Tribal dances...and this was repeated by Aborigine (sp?) dancers on the video today...that the white man, the Christian, has tried to (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) take away rituals, dances, and customs which are carried in often times through dances because the "missionaries" saw the dances as evil, from Satan...these dances, that define the people as who they are from where they are and where they are from...are taken from them. Because some missionaries from westernized culture looked at them and called what they did or believed, evil. And I don't think we realize what a strong word "evil" is. Or "sin".

In theory, we get used to hearing them so often in contemporary American evangelical culture that I don't think we realize the impact of these words, and the impact they would have if they were to be spoken about what we believe (and I might venture to say then, who we are) we wouldn't even blink in response. So, knowing this, and knowing that I desire to love the world as God loves the world...and see the world as God sees it (or at least make every moment another opportunity to open the door to see and love in such a way) I don't know how to respond to this *evil* that is such a hatred of what defines people....I don't quite know right now how to respond in love when these *walls* have been cast up because of misunderstandings. And I want to know.

Monday, June 07, 2004

A bit of a change of pace from the past few weeks maybe?

I know at least *3* "film" people read I am asking you to please please please please (yes I am begging) take a moment or two and give me some suggestions for films that have *good* (read: Andrew Rudd speak: great) dialogue in them...either between two dynamic characters or throughout with many or one character.

Any and all contributions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Another note...
I still love and miss you all.

And so it is...just like you said it would be......time goes easy on me...most of the time.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

I am a selfish person. I am horribly selfish, and I selfishly cherish all of my friendships as if I can control them...their existence in my life. I miss my friends and I love them....and I love them so much right now. My heart shatters for the pain and devastation that each has faced this past week...and my love for each of my friends grows more and more. If you are my friend and you are reading this, if for any reason I did not get to tell you face-to-face...I love you. And I cherish you so deeply...and I will do whatever I can for you, whenever you need me are in my prayers and in my heart always. I can't write any more now...but please know, you mean so very, very much to me.