Merry Christmas!

after a long hiatus, not too much to say.

i've moved to pittsburgh. not the greatest job, but i am enjoying it so far. (it's only day three).

most of the big stuff is done for the wedding. i still need a limo. possibly a videographer. and i need to talk with the photographer about a slideshow. but i digress...

just greatly enjoying being able to spend time with boy.

i have no idea what i want to "do" with my life. i thought i did, but i was wrong. i don't know.

i haven't been the best at keeping in touch. sorry about that.

hope all is well out there in cyberland. let that cow jump over the moon. with diet coke (sweetened with splenda).

boy is home! boy is home! boy is home! yesssssssssssssssss!

i am overjoyed, humbled, filled with thankfulness.

i've been in hiding. still searching for a job, still doing wedding planning, still working full time, and now spending as much time as i can with boy.

Thank You.

i just saw united 93 last night. i don't really have words for it yet. it's a lot...

but i think it was right for me to see. it's too easy to forget. it's too easy for our country to push the reality of nearly five years ago to the back of our proverbial minds.

i don't know if it's right for you or not. i can't make that call. but, like reading anything by brennan manning or lauren winner, i was shaken to my core- so much so that my entire body was trembling, convulsing, as tears rolled down my face in a torrential downpour during the two hours sitting in the dark theater. i left changed, reminded, humbled, amazed, angry, sad...so very sad...with my heart ripped open once again as i saw an example, a horrific example of the capabilities of humanity, of doctrine personified.

perhaps the crusades were no different than jihad, but neither is right. i think my fiance said it best: "no one really wants war. but it's a reality that can't be ignored." to what lengths do we go? to what lengths should we go?

just as college taught me...i know less now than than i did before.

inadvertenly (sp?) i fasted from blogspot for lent.

it's really only because myspace is my new pimp.

i don't really blog much there, though. i had somehow forgotten that one of my greatest love languages is words of affirmation. so i mainly message with people back and forth on the site. so long as dave doesn't forget that it's a love language for me, and i don't forget his, we should be okay.

i didn't realize how much i needed to be aware of my "audience", and i don't hear too much on this site, so i don't feel like i have a substantial one...so, no audience, no strong desire to write. i feel like i am on the oscar podium asking for vindication so i can say "you like me?! you really like me!" but that's not fully the case. i just so strongly desire there to be conversation between others and myself. and the conversations i have with those people, the numerous people, who bless my life...those are my most intimate journals.

not that i will give up on the practice of journaling, of recording and reflecting and being renewed by the process, the growth. but i know, that's what is most intimate. opening up the door of my clutter in front of someone who loves me, who i am vulnerable in front of, though scared and sometimes ashamed, sometimes elated, or frustrated, confused, selfish, angry, flighty...so much, all at once, as a part of this process.

it's all a series of ups and downs, really. it's never been and it never will be about the mountaintop. and i'm finding some more peace down here in the valley. i'm feeling more of a sense of belonging, instead of a sense of guilt, or of frustration to get back up on that mountaintop to prove myself worthy. (of... ?)

i had a wonderful day yesterday in pittsburgh with my future sister in law, shopping at the waterfront and trying on clothes. we have the same shopping styles...which is amazing. picky, forthright, cheap, adament. i didn't know i would ever be blessed with a good shopping partner! but i am very excited for many shopping adventures to come.

we also went to pf changs, and i ate with chopsticks, albeit poorly. it was fun, with s.i.l. and another great friend.

tomorrow, i go to cleveland to visit others and to spend much needed time with another blessing of a friend. and we will eat. because it's definitely on the list of top five things we each do best.

Lord willing.

if there is an audience of any kind reading this, and you want to keep in better touch with me, www.myspace.com/dramachick837 is one of the best ways as of late. i'll try to keep in better touch with you, if i don't already.

there is something in me that has somehow died.

i'm not sure what it is yet, and i don't really have many close around me who would be able to point me in the right direction to look for "it".

i am still excited to be planning a wedding, for 14 months away.

i am still stressed about finding a job in pittsburgh. my self-confidence has gone away with me not talking to my self. i let my self-doubt and deprecation envelop me. i don't know how much i care to stop it, but for the paradox of the self-depraction being directed at my need to be always better, always the best. which is odd, because i keep reading about all of these jobs available in the pittsburgh area, and i don't feel qualified for one of them.

i still hate being 24 and at home.

every time i write, it just sounds depressing. so i'd rather not write...i'd rather talk or listen, or just be. i've lost my way without a substantial community physically surrounding me anymore. i keep trying to find that community...and i whine here, but it seems that so many others just have these people around them, these people who call them and come over and invite them out for something at someplace around the corner. i know so few people in youngstown. i try to meet more people my age, but they just want to go out and drink and do...nothing, really. but doing nothing with someone is better than not doing anything with anyone, right?

i'm not very interesting. i don't have any new stories to tell, to share, to teach. i don't know where to find them. i feel i've failed, miserably. so here goes, to the continuing process of learning how to pick myself up. again.

yes, yes, it's true...




I'm Engaged!


(We're Engaged!!!)


I shall in the somewhat near future marry the Love of my life. and I am looking forward to many years of laughter, fights, miscommunication, understanding, grace, learning experiences, and Love.

check him out @ www.myspace.com/dramachick837 (my page) under friends...Dave is the name, most amazing fiance ever is the game! He's the one in Iraq right now...

sorry so short, folks. just busy working, looking for a job in pittsburgh, and planning a wedding.

reading Blue Like Jazz still and loving it.

reflecting on sacrifice as Lent begins today.

being humbled into remembering it's not about me...or what i do.

blessed by those who surround me with the Love and support/encouragement/kindness.

hope this finds you in a place of contentment, but not too comfortable.

~grace and peace

GO STEELERS!!! so joyous about the outcome of the super-duper bowl!

even MORE joyous because i got to watch it with my man.

hence the absence of my presence (sp?) in the blog community. when you haven't seen someone for seven months, the reason being because they are in freakin' IRAQ, that tends to take precedence.

have no fears...i am still alive and well, and rather enjoying relaxing with my man in pittsburgh.

starting to get serious about the job search in the pittsburgh area--
so if anyone knows of jobs that pay decently in the area, feel free to let me know. interviews never hurt anyone!

not much to write about right now. ill be back in week or so with a real update.

and my new addiction to myspace.... ah. www.myspace.com/dramachick837 is the new place to be.

hope this finds you as well as the super bowl champs and better! *sighs of contentment and joy*

~peace

GO STEELERS!!!!

i think i am in love with troy polumalu.

don't tell my boyfriend though. i think he'd be upset.







pittsburgh's goin' to the superbowl....

jarhead.

at this point, i don't even know what to do with myself. seeing charred bodies and oil-covered marines desparate to get their kill in...

dave (man i love) will be back on leave in a few weeks for a glorious 15 day period. after seven months, these last few days are excruciatingly slow to wait through.

and i am officially graduated with a B.A. in Communication Arts. i got the paper in the mail and everything. took 5 1/2 years, but i'm finally done. and ready to have a drink or two with rudd/tammie/ann-who-doesn't-drink lawson.

there is a possibility of a get together in the canfield area on february 11th. i'd really like for dave to meet more of my friends. nothing is set in stone yet, so i'll keep you posted.

and it's the new year? where did 2005 even go? it seems like i was just in pittsburgh, watching elvis impersonations and singing kareoke (sp?). though it was great to spend time with malone friends this year in columbus, especially kristin and niffer.

right now, the next step is to find a job back in the burgh. i want to be back and settled in by june 1, 2006. now, i can make all the plans i want, but i'm not the editor. we'll see what He has in store.

more and more aware of my over-analyzation as a detriment, and when it's a detriment instead of a gift or blessing. i think the more i realize this, the more i can keep this in check, the less over-dramatic i will be in my reactions to people, to things. the more i will take responsibility for, and keep growing (up).

i don't feel i have much to contribute right now. just mundane updates, but no real insights.

ready to start living again. to regain my discipline. to stop making so many excuses. ready to shut my mouth and listen. really listen. ready to lose myself to find myself again. in the meantime, i may be a little bit quiet............

(but i'll keep using elipses).

.......................