Sunday, April 30, 2006

i just saw united 93 last night. i don't really have words for it yet. it's a lot...

but i think it was right for me to see. it's too easy to forget. it's too easy for our country to push the reality of nearly five years ago to the back of our proverbial minds.

i don't know if it's right for you or not. i can't make that call. but, like reading anything by brennan manning or lauren winner, i was shaken to my core- so much so that my entire body was trembling, convulsing, as tears rolled down my face in a torrential downpour during the two hours sitting in the dark theater. i left changed, reminded, humbled, amazed, angry, very sad...with my heart ripped open once again as i saw an example, a horrific example of the capabilities of humanity, of doctrine personified.

perhaps the crusades were no different than jihad, but neither is right. i think my fiance said it best: "no one really wants war. but it's a reality that can't be ignored." to what lengths do we go? to what lengths should we go?

just as college taught me...i know less now than than i did before.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

inadvertenly (sp?) i fasted from blogspot for lent.

it's really only because myspace is my new pimp.

i don't really blog much there, though. i had somehow forgotten that one of my greatest love languages is words of affirmation. so i mainly message with people back and forth on the site. so long as dave doesn't forget that it's a love language for me, and i don't forget his, we should be okay.

i didn't realize how much i needed to be aware of my "audience", and i don't hear too much on this site, so i don't feel like i have a substantial, no audience, no strong desire to write. i feel like i am on the oscar podium asking for vindication so i can say "you like me?! you really like me!" but that's not fully the case. i just so strongly desire there to be conversation between others and myself. and the conversations i have with those people, the numerous people, who bless my life...those are my most intimate journals.

not that i will give up on the practice of journaling, of recording and reflecting and being renewed by the process, the growth. but i know, that's what is most intimate. opening up the door of my clutter in front of someone who loves me, who i am vulnerable in front of, though scared and sometimes ashamed, sometimes elated, or frustrated, confused, selfish, angry, much, all at once, as a part of this process.

it's all a series of ups and downs, really. it's never been and it never will be about the mountaintop. and i'm finding some more peace down here in the valley. i'm feeling more of a sense of belonging, instead of a sense of guilt, or of frustration to get back up on that mountaintop to prove myself worthy. (of... ?)

i had a wonderful day yesterday in pittsburgh with my future sister in law, shopping at the waterfront and trying on clothes. we have the same shopping styles...which is amazing. picky, forthright, cheap, adament. i didn't know i would ever be blessed with a good shopping partner! but i am very excited for many shopping adventures to come.

we also went to pf changs, and i ate with chopsticks, albeit poorly. it was fun, with s.i.l. and another great friend.

tomorrow, i go to cleveland to visit others and to spend much needed time with another blessing of a friend. and we will eat. because it's definitely on the list of top five things we each do best.

Lord willing.

if there is an audience of any kind reading this, and you want to keep in better touch with me, is one of the best ways as of late. i'll try to keep in better touch with you, if i don't already.