a piece of my heart is just breaking right now for a dear friend.

i know i'm not suzy sunshine, with rays shooting out of...places...

i just pray i don't say the wildly inappropriate things that i usually do when i am trying to make people that i love laugh when times and circumstances and life just stinks.

don't get me wrong - i love to make people, especially people that allow me in to their inner circle - laugh.

there's just a time and a place for that - and when things are really sad, i usually verbally wander away from whatever may be appropriate.

dear God just be with her right now, be with her family. if it hurts this much for me, i can't begin to fathom how much it hurts for her, for them.

i keep hearing this verse over and over this past week...

Phil. 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

and i keep thinking about mass media & society as a sophomore...
- about how this verse was used to justify ways of sensorship
- about how this verse was taken out of context
- about how this verse was/is drummed in to the minds of a youth culture who grows more numb while at the same time more aware of the world about them by the minute

so is it really about sensorship and making sure no nakedness or bad words or bad choices are consumed in media and relational intake?

or is it really about having a more positive outlook on life and relationships, not dwelling on the negative - focusing on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy about each other and about circumstances that we find ourselves in? because more often than not, it is so easy to dwell on what bugs us, what irks us, what is wrong and what we - what i - would like to change. it is so easy to say what we (i) wish would be different - what we (i) would rather do or be or or not. it's not as easy (for me) to dwell on the good of what i can't see as good rightnow.

is this also another lesson in patience?

oh to have life, and live, and work in very small spaces. maybe even cubicles. is that what evolution means?

for so long i felt like i didn't have anything meaningful to say. now i feel like i am overflowing and forgetting it all as the moments pass. i know i should keep a journal or something with me - but writing deep thoughts while driving doesn't seem like the best answer.

i've been hearing more clearly this week things that God has kept reminding me through this whole "growing up" process - at least the past few years of it.

specifically, i realize now that though i may say again and again that it is God's timing that will bring things about, bring changes that i may be impatient for - and that He *does* have a purpose in having me where i am now...

i have not believed it.

so, i either need to stop saying it (not preferable) -OR- start realizing and truly believing it.

however, i can't will myself to believe something.

i do have a little tiny speck of faith left in all this - one that holds me close to God and helps me hear him whisper undying Love in to my soul.

i am impatient, utterly flawed, but nearing brokeness, and i couldn't be more at peace. i've always worried. anyone who knows me knows that i have a penchant for analyzing the what-if's more often than not, of focusing on what may instead of what is now right in front of me.

it seems like the only way i got out of myself so i could be, live, "in the moment" was to act.

but i can't keep trying to put on a show to live life now. i keep finding ways i am more comfortable in my own skin, just being me.

thank God for that.

The cycle is broken! All it took was me going to bed at 7:30 p.m. last night. the nearly 12 hours of sleep did me good, regardless of what sleep studies may say. No caffiene at all today...just turkey wraps and pickles and lots of water!

I keep smiling a lot :) It's good.

i've been dragging this week. i think the culprit is my newfound/renewed addiction to an iced tea/lemonade blend that must have caffiene because when i drink it with dinner i am up until the wee hours of the morning, tempting me to reach for something caffienated the following day, prompting the cycle to continue. i don't want the cycle to continue. i need to break the cycle.

before this iced tea/lemonade debacle, i hadn't really had caffiene for over 6 months. i don't know how it all started. i just woke up one morning and didn't want to drink coffee anymore. now, i still enjoy a good grande soy decaf drink now and again from a few different coffee shops in the area, as well as decaf hazelnut coffee in my french press whenever i can steal a lazy saturday morning. i just didn't want that jolt any more.

even chocolate (that sweet delicious food fallen from the heavenly realms) gives me too much of a jolt if i have any large portion of it. if i go past a little candy bar, i turn in to a hyper -> crashed version of myself for the day. kiddie size is what i have to order if i stop in to dq or the "no i don't want my ass to be larger than the seat" size at coldstone.

but that deals with ice cream. that is a whole different story for a different day.

when did food become such a chore to my aging body?

I cried last night.

There is still always hope, always room for growth.

BELIEVE.

Game 6

8:00 p.m.

Mellon Arena

the cup changes everything.

I had the greatest feeling of being loved yesterday.

My little niece, all nearly 8 months and however many pounds of her, reached her chubby little baby arms out and whimpered until I would hold her, while she was in her mother's arms.

Apparently, I am the first person she has ever done this for that wasn't her mom or her dad.

Apparently also, my niece is a girl after my own heart, because as soon as she saw her food, she reached right back to go in to her momma's arms...

It was the greatest minute of my weekend.

:)

i feel officially indoctrinated in to the landscape of pittsburgh.

within the past week:

saw: falling water, kentuck knob, fort necessity, laurel caverns

went to: Game 3 in the Stanely Cup Finals to watch the Pittsburgh Penguins; Kennywood for a company picnic

hosted people to watch the Penguins play

heard my husband say "n'at" without mocking (he usually only ever mocks the Pittsburgh accent)

have seen WWGRD and known what it meant

felt disheartened by Malkin being shut down in this series

and am ready and happy (except for any feelings of disheartenment) to do it all again soon :)