Monday, October 05, 2009


So this is what makes a good mother. I hate to come off all judge-y (yes, that is a word in my book) but really people, going out to smoke a cigarette and chat with friends while your 7 month old infant is playing in a bathtub with water in it is not a tragic mistake - it's complete selfishness. Is a cigarette or friends more important than life that has your blood flowing through it?

Don't get me wrong. I have no idea of the trials and hardships a single mother goes through daily. I can understand being overwhelmed and forgetful. (really, I can - I am a champ at it). But couldn't, say, playing with toys in a bathtub and making your child laugh and letting that laughter ease a little bit of the burden of your troubled soul be a bit more helpful than forgetting things by smoking a cigarette at the same time the bath-time fun is going on?

I can't imagine the devastation of the loss of a child. But if things are so rough that you can't remember something like "stay in the bathroom when my infant is in the tub of water" then you probably shouldn't have the responsibility to be caring for a child.

Guilt kind of swallows me as I write this, thinking that something like this could happen if God ever grants my husband and I a child. And it could - I am far from perfect. But if that would be the case, I would be thinking that I shouldn't have the responsibility of having a child either.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

It wasn't until a professor's continued use of ellipses that I realized how unprofessional and annoying they can be. They leave too much open-ended cloudy communication for the recipient to interpret and are no longer appreciated. And I winced at exactly how often I feel a need to be all deep and mysterious and over use ellipses myself. I, like Kanya, need all the grace I can get. Here's to praying that I can offer that same grace to a professor that my gut is having and adverse emotional reaction to at the moment.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

i keep posting it on facebook, but the social-networking gods are not answering. maybe i should actually pray to God a bit more right now about how anxious and impatient i am feeling as my husband travels home for leave? maybe...

Monday, August 24, 2009

in my dream last night, i dropped a very angry f-bomb. yes, i just typed out "f-bomb". what kind of repressed emotions am i dealing with here folks???

Saturday, August 22, 2009

so - i just quit my job, and am going back to school - but also, husband is going to be home on leave from his deployment soon so i will be spending any and all time with him :) seems like lots of life changes are happening for lots of people right now...very disconcerting, but i keep thinking that God is making a change in me. it makes me really uncomfortable and most times, i really don't like it. in fact, i even freak out every now and again, break down in tears and wonder where or how to (literally and figuratively) take my next step. eh, champ - we've made it this far. let's just both keep taking it one little terrifying and exhilirating and tumultuous step at a time. deal?