so, all i really want to type here is bullshit.

i mean that.

i'm in canfield right now, after a week in new jersey and a few nights in nyc. i like chelsea and the gay district more than times square.

so, i've been attending this church in "pitty" (blame jason buckley)- www.acac.net is the web address if you want to learn more about it. but- it's been great. i've only gone a few times thus far, but the month of october has been (and for one more sunday- the last of which i will miss) all about sex. and not church sex, either. it's not just been "sex outside of marriage, homosexual sex and masturbation are bad" talks-- but really tearing apart and in to the word about it. really looking at the truth of why we do what we do- these sins that we repeat and the consequences we reap with our actions. the church is in downtown, too, so there's actual diversity. not to say that pittsburgh is a "real" city...decision: NYC and LA are the real mega-cities, maybe- maybe- Chicago. Places like Pittsburgh- there are jems buried deep in piles, but the piles are still shit.

i've been on a cussing spree lately- like a sailor. i'm trying to cut back- because i see that my word choice has been out of laziness and anger and confusion and not out of appropriateness. a time for everything....

i haven't written in a while- so i'm getting it all out. if you don't want to read, don't feel that sense of obligation. do the skim the first or last part of each paragraph thing and skip to the end.

anyhow- one of the things that we've looked at in the light of messages on sex has been covenants, and covenant language. pastor rock has said some things that i am still trying to wrap my feeble mind around. and i'm going to type them here and they are going to appearlike easy sound bites (sp?) on the page and i'm going to feel like an idiot. but such is...

covenant language: God defines his relationships in covenants. Covenants are carefully defined relationships, grounded in binding commitment. and we have no right to change the meanings assigned by God. and Love must be tested by covenant commitment that gives it content. These points have many other things- words- assigned meanings- that connect them. if you really want the notes, i'll give them. but for here and now, it's my version and my blog so i'm gonna write whatever i want to. because i need to. [man, i sound like a defiant little *wench*.]

so, with all that said, i keep thinking as i "forge new paths" if any relationship i have had thus far has been one that i have established a covenant in- a covenant commitment in. i know, my parents had with me, otherwise i wouldn't be here today. but it's been take and take and take and how have i allowed for a covenant in which i allow my love to be tested and refined (i suppose something like silver in the refining fire)? i doubt that i fully have.

i also keep thinking about how ambiguous and changing my relationships all seem to be at this point- from my say "hey" to neighbors to my conversations with God. but- i don't know if i ever let my relationships be defined in the first place. i know- i am a control freak. i like to know what's going on, way before it's going on, and be as prepared as i can. call it the "preparing for an audition" side of my creativity. i can still go with the moment quite easily, but i always want to look ahead.

these new "communities" are starting to form around me. and i know i am taking part in this construction, but i don't know if i like it. i don't even know if i like my self all that much right now.

these blogs always sound so depressing.

i want community, but i am so picky about it. i don't seem to know what i want. i know- this year is going to continue to be so stretching. i do hate overnights though. the people i work with are nice enough- but i still don't want to spend six straight days with them and no "freedom" that i have known-

that ability to take off whenever i want to.

not necessarily have to leave- but just to know that my car is there and i can go. whenever. wherever. and just- be.

the knowledge of my surroundings as "mine".

not a toilet seat that has been sanitized 1/10 as many times as it's been sat on- by strangers.

not a bed spread as ugly as it's matching counterparts- curtains and hotel paintings- that's never been washed and has had more spilled on it than i want to partake in.

not all white towels in an all white bathroom.

not commercial places with ugly bars and servers in polo shirts.

not that awful smell of moved around dust and sterilized sections of a room.

not the drifting aroma of weed from a room or four down.

quite a connection to have with any part of humanity- taking that in night after night.


my small group is all "praise W" republican. i'm cool with whoever anyone chooses to vote for- so long as it's informed. if i hear "Bush loves the Lord" one more time, i might scream though.

but- i will continue to choose to keep my covenant with humanity through God- to love the vilest of all, even and especially when that most vile is me.

So, I still miss a lot of people. But, to all who sent e-cards and sang me songs on my voicemail, I do appreciate it!

That Kelly Clarkson song, "Break Away" is stuck in my head. It has been for, about- two weeks now? But I won't go buy it because it's on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack. I am refusing that (even though I did just buy the soundtrack from "Garden State" and I would highly recommend that purchase).

I am choosing to relish every moment of liminal space that I am right now. There's this fluxation in my life between what is petty and what is not and who I am because of what I do and how I look at myself, my relationships, my self-worth...this transition from one stage in life as I grow in to where I am now. And it's still very stretching, but very good and painful. I guess, like this play that a friend of mine wrote last year, I will bottle up my tears.

Okay, that sounds so depressing. I am not just sitting around "Pitty" crying. I am having a great time. I have found an awesome church and am beginning to get involved there. I've started really exploring different areas of the city and have just fallen head over heels for the south side. I'm meeting some more interesting people and learning more about myself/who I am than I knew I could. It's just- different. But, change is good. So- I relish.

I shall be in New Jersey all week (and I will get to go to NYC and Philly while there). So, please feel free to give me a call...as, if you are reading this, I most likely miss you, and- although I enjoy the people I work with, 24 hours a day for five days straight, including travel time in the van- it's a lot. Heck, I don't even want to spend 24 hours a day with myself half the time.

Well, off to see a play in downtown pittsburgh. Supporting friends and such. Hope to hear from you (friends) soon.

Agape

work's still going awesome. and i'm still tired (still, nothing new there!!!)

we started tackling a new script- all within it handling shakespeare, suicide, mental health issues, eating disorders, and relationships. it's not easy.

i miss a lot of people from canton. i still miss the community. but i am learning to live by myself. no- i'm not an island. i've never wanted to be one. but, the more i perpetuate "alone time" the easier i find it is to become an island. i'm plugging in to stuff at church. i'm reading a lot. i'm trying to find room to breathe. i'm trying to rely on God more. i guess, it's the trying that moves me from one moment to the next. and that's a good thing. because then, i can only be in that one moment.

i keep trying to hold on to the future. it kind of screws up the present when i do that. so, i'm working on it.

i've got a whole lot to give, and a whole lot i'm afraid to give. so, the fears are getting driven out more and more. i like that.

i like honest.

"truth is beauty, beauty- truth"