Wednesday, September 17, 2008

been meaning to blog but don't feel motivated. it's like how i take sabbaticals from facebook and myspace because they end up eating up so much of my *real* time - and because i don't feel comfortable to be completely honest on here. not sure when i will blog next.

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Great One posted this and I couldn't find a better way to waste time "at work" than here...

1. Go to
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2. Go to Random quotations:
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" at
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
Put it all together, that's your debut album.

My result:

Jordan Park's new album, entitled "out of middle age"

Hahaha...I love it!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I just hope for some clarification to know what it is that I have more passion for - I'm just not sure. I've been trying to do better at living and discovering more of God's Revealed Will, and I've been struck with a growing passion to want to know Him more and spend time with Him more - and really consult him more on things that I was trying to go it alone with before.

So now I am trying to be really good at being patient with this and not expecting an answer to just drop from the heavens just because I'm getting closer to Him. I keep hearing "give it time" in my heart - I keep thinking about how it's like when you offer an apology when you realize you've been living in a way that is very hurtful or difficult to someone you love - and they may accept your apology, but to really believe - it takes time, to fully witness a change (I know this is an extreme example, but like someone saying they are sorry for being an alcoholic to a spouse).

I know God isn't limited to the capacity of a human being in forgiveness and love and He is so much more powerful than what we may work at on our own but maybe - even though He knows - He wants us to come to a point of total reliance on Him for everything, and that is a part of our breaking - and that takes time as well. So I can change things I'm doing for the good or the bad - but my breaking to be more like him, to be a slave to Him, a bondslave or a prisoner for - being not my own and bought at a price - takes time. And that can easily tie back to God's will being something that he continually unveils to us as we follow hard after him. It's with a continual following, a continual growing passion - that growth happens, that unveiling happens, that more is revealed to us...not like God is the Wizard of Oz and we are trying to get behind a mask but that he gives us (as cliche as it sounds) just enough light for the step we are on.

I think it's easy to be frightened when you can't see the next step - when it feels like there may be a great leap of faith on the horizon and there may be a great fall from *where-you-think-you-are/where-you-want-to-be* to be grounded in the truth of dreams coming true that you may not have even known existed - to be *where-you-are-supposed-to-be*. It's easy to be frightened, but it's brave to trust Love - it's a crazy foolishness, even. It may seem borderline insane to trust in what is good, in the hope of possibilities, when so often we (and our subconscious expectations) are let down by all that surrounds us. I'm not talking about the charismatic-Tammy Faye Baker-theatrical type of showmanship trust - I'm talking about the quiet trust that a life can be staked on (and has been).

Okay, hopping off yet another soap box for me now :)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

a piece of my heart is just breaking right now for a dear friend.

i know i'm not suzy sunshine, with rays shooting out of...places...

i just pray i don't say the wildly inappropriate things that i usually do when i am trying to make people that i love laugh when times and circumstances and life just stinks.

don't get me wrong - i love to make people, especially people that allow me in to their inner circle - laugh.

there's just a time and a place for that - and when things are really sad, i usually verbally wander away from whatever may be appropriate.

dear God just be with her right now, be with her family. if it hurts this much for me, i can't begin to fathom how much it hurts for her, for them.

Monday, June 23, 2008

i keep hearing this verse over and over this past week...

Phil. 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

and i keep thinking about mass media & society as a sophomore...
- about how this verse was used to justify ways of sensorship
- about how this verse was taken out of context
- about how this verse was/is drummed in to the minds of a youth culture who grows more numb while at the same time more aware of the world about them by the minute

so is it really about sensorship and making sure no nakedness or bad words or bad choices are consumed in media and relational intake?

or is it really about having a more positive outlook on life and relationships, not dwelling on the negative - focusing on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy about each other and about circumstances that we find ourselves in? because more often than not, it is so easy to dwell on what bugs us, what irks us, what is wrong and what we - what i - would like to change. it is so easy to say what we (i) wish would be different - what we (i) would rather do or be or or not. it's not as easy (for me) to dwell on the good of what i can't see as good rightnow.

is this also another lesson in patience?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

oh to have life, and live, and work in very small spaces. maybe even cubicles. is that what evolution means?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

for so long i felt like i didn't have anything meaningful to say. now i feel like i am overflowing and forgetting it all as the moments pass. i know i should keep a journal or something with me - but writing deep thoughts while driving doesn't seem like the best answer.

i've been hearing more clearly this week things that God has kept reminding me through this whole "growing up" process - at least the past few years of it.

specifically, i realize now that though i may say again and again that it is God's timing that will bring things about, bring changes that i may be impatient for - and that He *does* have a purpose in having me where i am now...

i have not believed it.

so, i either need to stop saying it (not preferable) -OR- start realizing and truly believing it.

however, i can't will myself to believe something.

i do have a little tiny speck of faith left in all this - one that holds me close to God and helps me hear him whisper undying Love in to my soul.

i am impatient, utterly flawed, but nearing brokeness, and i couldn't be more at peace. i've always worried. anyone who knows me knows that i have a penchant for analyzing the what-if's more often than not, of focusing on what may instead of what is now right in front of me.

it seems like the only way i got out of myself so i could be, live, "in the moment" was to act.

but i can't keep trying to put on a show to live life now. i keep finding ways i am more comfortable in my own skin, just being me.

thank God for that.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The cycle is broken! All it took was me going to bed at 7:30 p.m. last night. the nearly 12 hours of sleep did me good, regardless of what sleep studies may say. No caffiene at all today...just turkey wraps and pickles and lots of water!

I keep smiling a lot :) It's good.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

i've been dragging this week. i think the culprit is my newfound/renewed addiction to an iced tea/lemonade blend that must have caffiene because when i drink it with dinner i am up until the wee hours of the morning, tempting me to reach for something caffienated the following day, prompting the cycle to continue. i don't want the cycle to continue. i need to break the cycle.

before this iced tea/lemonade debacle, i hadn't really had caffiene for over 6 months. i don't know how it all started. i just woke up one morning and didn't want to drink coffee anymore. now, i still enjoy a good grande soy decaf drink now and again from a few different coffee shops in the area, as well as decaf hazelnut coffee in my french press whenever i can steal a lazy saturday morning. i just didn't want that jolt any more.

even chocolate (that sweet delicious food fallen from the heavenly realms) gives me too much of a jolt if i have any large portion of it. if i go past a little candy bar, i turn in to a hyper -> crashed version of myself for the day. kiddie size is what i have to order if i stop in to dq or the "no i don't want my ass to be larger than the seat" size at coldstone.

but that deals with ice cream. that is a whole different story for a different day.

when did food become such a chore to my aging body?

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I cried last night.

There is still always hope, always room for growth.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Game 6

8:00 p.m.

Mellon Arena

the cup changes everything.

Monday, June 02, 2008

I had the greatest feeling of being loved yesterday.

My little niece, all nearly 8 months and however many pounds of her, reached her chubby little baby arms out and whimpered until I would hold her, while she was in her mother's arms.

Apparently, I am the first person she has ever done this for that wasn't her mom or her dad.

Apparently also, my niece is a girl after my own heart, because as soon as she saw her food, she reached right back to go in to her momma's arms...

It was the greatest minute of my weekend.

i feel officially indoctrinated in to the landscape of pittsburgh.

within the past week:

saw: falling water, kentuck knob, fort necessity, laurel caverns

went to: Game 3 in the Stanely Cup Finals to watch the Pittsburgh Penguins; Kennywood for a company picnic

hosted people to watch the Penguins play

heard my husband say "n'at" without mocking (he usually only ever mocks the Pittsburgh accent)

have seen WWGRD and known what it meant

felt disheartened by Malkin being shut down in this series

and am ready and happy (except for any feelings of disheartenment) to do it all again soon :)

Thursday, May 15, 2008

i feel like a limp noodle. but a happy limp noodle. - remember this memorial day.

Monday, May 12, 2008

don't get me wrong - i love mother's day. i love celebrating my mom, my grandma - i love celebrating all the wonderful things that women who have born children, who have raised and loved and cared for and nurtured children in to men and women have done, and are doing.

i didn't know that it would be a new day to point out how weird it is considered by society to not want to procreate.

in church, at the end of the service, they (as i am sure many "they"'s as churches did) called up all the moms, grandmas, aunts, and other mom-like women in the church to the front. Over half of the church stood and walked to the front (keep in mind, the sanctuary fills up at 2,000 people). so there i was, sitting with a whole bunch of guys, and wondering if people were having any thoughts looking at me, like "why isn't she up there?" or "aw, poor thing can't have children" or "are they even married?" while checking out my ring finger. i know i was thinking "well, something must really not be "normal" in me because i don't have a desire to have children, we don't have a desire to have children...why don't we have that desire when it seems to normal and natural to have it?"

meanwhile, my face was probably turning the various shades of red and or purple that it turns when i fear that people are thinking poorly of me.

yesterday was weird, weather-wise. the rain in spring i can fathom...but there was also this chill in the air, and leaves and flowers blown to the ground by the wind...both felt distinctively like fall, and i felt a need to hybernate.

there is a huge boulder that has been lifted from our shoulders and replaced by relief at the close of this semester. it was a lot at once, a lot that we weren't ready for but trudged through anyway.

now for all those thank you notes that i have been meaning to write and had not gotten around to between adjusting to a doubling in family size and an additional full time job added to the mix, and all the in's and out's that come with that. maybe even some more time with friends will help fill up this summer...that would be nice...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

skipping through the bad stuff makes you miss the good stuff too.

and other deep thoughts from the cinematic masterpiece "click"

Monday, April 28, 2008

Are Christian Buzzwords (just another term for new Christian-ese) really good for The Church?

I think they divide more than unite. And I don't think they are all that important...the "stuff" behind them, that is. Isn't it really just doctrinal preference? (see 4/27/08 and 4/20/08)

Friday, April 18, 2008

Hi, my name's Kristy.

I confess:

I am addicted to checking my (5) emails at least once every hour.

I have a problem, and I need help.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

in an effort to achieve total nirvana relaxation zen, this is on my birthday list

(and has already been promised to me... )


I can already see a good popcorn collection accruing during movie marathons...

Anyone else up for a marathon?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

isn't it funny that April Fool's Day is right before Taxes are Due day?

amazingly had taxes done ahead of time this year (after last year's mad rush, forgetting about them until April 11th) so no funny business here...

been having the strangest vivid dreams as of late.

finished Season 3 of LOST - now just "have to" watch the few episodes of Season 4 that aired before the writer's strike to catch up before new episodes start to air oh so soon (thank the Lord that the writer's were recognized although not nearly enough and it took way too long for it to happen!).

so excited for this semester to be over soon - 2 full time jobs and full time school do not make for lots of free quality time especially with different work schedules. just a few more weeks!

excited to celebrate our 1 year (i know, it's fantastic - can i say how much i love hearing people tell us that we are still in the honeymoon phase?).

boy can people get pessimistic about's almost as great as hearing people tell my husband that they oppose the war...i almost want to tell start responding to people "oh, i support you 150% but i totally and completely disagree with what you have done and what you are doing". but i never will. chalk that up to one more thing i will think about and not say because i am too worried about being polite and not causing waves.

i've fallen in to that old rut of using sarcasm as a tool to escape meaningful communication, as my day has turned in to snippets of idle small chat interspersed with the ringing of the phone...never any extended time for any meaningful conversation. there are only so many times you can ask, listen, and answer the question "how are you?" (it doesn't just happen awkwardly at events where i haven't seen people for so long...i relish those events because i thoroughly enjoy throwing the standard answers out the window and engaging in some meaningful conversation whenever someone else is willing).

so, via cyberspace, i'd love to know...

how are you?