Saturday, July 30, 2005

my parents aren't getting divorced. honestly, i wish they would. but i can't wish that much pain on my mom.

i miss my blue eyes. i know the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. everything else, it's all fucked up. disenchanted, disenfranchised, dismembered.

am i too laid back? do i not stand up for myself enough? how can i stand up for something to believe in when i don't believe anything right now?

i think i may hate myself again. i don't want pity. pity's only a poor excuse for neglected friendship.

i have nothing really nice to say, so i won't say anything at all.

one song with my man....

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
All the lights on and you are alive

But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

~cary brothers, "blue eyes"

Thursday, July 21, 2005

i have a navy blue wall. well, it's not actually navy blue. it's something perfect dream but we'll just call it navy blue. a very dark navy blue. (my mom hates it).

i almost got sprayed by a skunk while loading my car with stuff for the moving process.

there is intense drama at the house right now. my parents might be getting divorced...i still don't know if it's serious or not. i think it might not be. these things happen every few years, but the drama is seeming to last longer this time around, so i don't know. if you are reading this and you are of the praying persuasion, please do so for my family.

i am blessed to talk with dave about two times a week. the only negative is that it's him calling me...there's no number i can call him at. so i pick up the phone to call him about a half a dozen times a day and then realize i can't-- i can only hope that i am able to answer the phone whenever he calls.

i am starting to set much better priorities. i've lived to please others for far too long. i need to keep remembering that doing what is best for me doesn't mean i am always going to be doing what i want at any given moment. you think i would have learned that by now, but after nearly 24 years, i still don't get it.

reading "the four loves" by c.s. lewis. trying to restore a more "right" view of love as Love and of love as how it should be, how i can strive to be, and how it has and hasn't been truthful or necessarily good or bad for me to experience in my life thus far.

i almost hit an old lady who was driving today. and i felt bad (which is normal) but i keep thinking...most of the time, i really shouldn't be driving. i'm not a good driver.

i really don't have much else to write. life's been a roller coaster, and sometimes i cling to God and sometimes and cling to what seems safer...that little metal bar right in front of me, the certainties that i can plan and control and work out. but we all know that's a lie anyway...