Thursday, September 29, 2005

i called off work today. it's the first time i've called off work in nearly two years. i've not felt healthy for a few days, but i was trying to just press on and hope it would pass. it didn't. even as i sit here now, typing, i am coughing.

so i made myself rest today. i haven't done that, really done that in over three months-- i haven't made myself rest, i haven't kept any kind of Sabbath. and i mention that now, because in my rest, my self-mandated burrowing in to my blankets and comforter, i read lauren f. winner's "girl meets God" in it's entirety. is that a word even? i had started to read it a few days ago, a page here and there when i had a free moment. but i devoured it today. and once i was done with it, i felt different. like i was hyper-aware of everything, of my surroundings, my relationships, even the dirt under my nails. i became much more aware of the fog in my mind, much more aware of how little i really care for myself, and in doing that, i can better care for others. i've had this revelation many times before, i've had many mentors, friends, loved ones, gently tell me with their brows furrowed in concern that i need to take care of myself better. but today, this revelation, it felt different. i don't know if it will be or not. but i like the idea of concentrating on just putting one foot in front of the other and being honest about who i am. and who i'm not. and who i can become. and being open to that.

winner's words, a brief message from senior high last night and those of a church sign are haunting me today. those signs-- with their catchy cliche Christianese, usually annoy me. i read them and roll my eyes and look down on them, the words, and whomever thought they would be a good idea. but it said....

if you're not ready to forgive, you're not ready.

and i keep pondering that. because i am at a point that i feel resistant to forgiveness, that i am digging my heels in the ground and clawing desparately to have and to hold my own self, to hold on to the hurts of being taken advantage of, lied to, forgotten.

not that i ever lie, take advantage of people, or forget the significance of relationships.

I-thou. i'm a lot of "I" too often.

and the questioning of Christianity as an ethnocentric worldview-- winner helped me see something in a new light. the ability to keep a foundation and respect others for their foundations, but to still be happy with those who are joyful and sad with those who mourn- that in it self is the foundation of Christianity. that is a big part of what Love truly is.

i want to know how to harbor Love better than i do bitterness, resentment, jealousy, lethargy, apathy, and everything else that i harbor that does me and anyone else no good.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


preponderant (having superior weight, force, or influence or having greater prevalence) influence or authority over others: DOMINANT

we talked about this in my cultural anthropology class today. in relation to worldviews, and how cultures clash- it does often seem that this may be the case.

it's like-- when a certain worldview is held by the majority, it is taken for granted that all other worldviews are measured and stacked up against it, in some kind of odd comparison competition where minority worldviews and judged and are not given a real voice to be heard.

along the lines of ethnocentrism.

so, is Christianity ethnocentric? because, if a Christian believes what he or she believes to be true is infallible or absolute truth, isn't that lending towards a predisposition to judge and condemn? does absolute truth than lead to a weak witness lacking love, compassion, empathy, and dare i say possibly even justice?

Romans 12-- i forget the verse. but, Paul writes that we are not to repay evil with evil, and that "vengeance is mine" says the Lord. we should rejoice with those who are happy, and mourn with those who are sad.

the belief system of Christianity then must walk a fine line, and how often i fail this! how often i pray in hindsight for a safety net to catch me as i plumet once again. the idea to Love, and to leave judgement to the believe in Him as eternal and absolute truth as a triune God who offers unending grace, mercy, and above all else, Love, through acceptance of the atoning sacrificial third of the triune, the Son, as the only means to get to Heaven...i keep thinking it's heavy stuff. so simple, and yet it seems so complicated- to easy to fathom?

so how can i better respect other belief systems, love those who hold them, and still acknowledge to an audience of One (and to boldly proclaim) that he is the only way, truth, life?

i know the proverbial safety net can't wear out. but how can i try to use it less, lest i abuse the grace and mercy given to me?

i seem to have a lot of questions tonight.

i am unbelievably blessed with friends that surround me, near and far. how am i blessed, wherever i go, to be given these gifts of friendship? and true friendship, even if it changes as i or another moves on elsewhere? i am eternally, forever, unbelievably, thankful. and that comma was more of a sela, to pause and reflect on each adjective.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


i've been away for a bit.

i always feel the need to apologize for that. but i will refrain, this time. for that.

i got a job at a bank, which i am thankful for. retail is not my thing-- i don't like it, never have, and i don't think i ever will. i don't think life at a bank will be all that exciting, but it's a much better paycheck than the one i get from current retail death. (chokes and falls to the floor dramatically after looking at retail pay check). as soon as i officially finish my degree on december 14 i want to get certified to be a substitute teacher. and then i want to work with hell raising city children in this burough the world calls youngstown for a few months.

finish my degree? ah, yes, folks. i am here to admit what a ridiculous fool i am. i do not yet have the piece of paper that says $80,000 plus was spent on furthering my education and changing and growing me as a person because of a cultural class and a gym class. oh yes, that's right, a gym class. so, i am finishing these two at youngstown state university. the upside of that- a different worldview, and the opportunity to take a self-defense class. i am having a wonderful time in both classes- cultural anthropology, *currently reading "the spirit catches you and you fall down" by anne fadiman--- which is a wonderful, wonderful ethnography, highly recommended; and self defense. i've made a few new friends in y-town, mainly theater people. i tried out for the fall mainstage production ("the miser" by moliere) and was smacked down and humbled to not be cast because of scheduling conflicts. although, to my credit- i did meet with the director/theater professor in the summer and ask when rehearsals were held, he never gave me a straight answer, and i scheduled my classes at what i believed to be appropriate times. i was wrong. to pet my bruised ego, my friend tony (cast as the miser, harpagon) informed me that the director thought i had a fantastic audition, wanted very much to cast me, but couldn't because of scheduling conflicts. i would have loved to do moliere, so i am a little sad about it still (as i don't know of many/any theater prospects in the youngstown area and i would have to pre-birth sell my first born to afford gas to travel to pitt or cleveland for rehearsals).

well, i can't seem to write short posts. and no one wants to read anything this long. except maybe me.

i had another wonderful southside experience in pittsburgh last week. (wahoo for chocolate).

unfortunately, the following day, my car died. let me now reflect in a moment of silence.

okay. done with that. so now i am looking to find a car, or to buy my sister's car off of her, because she is getting a brand spankin' new 06 honda with her real job and salary that comes with that job. [another whining tangent- i want a real job where i can use more than one of my gifts and talents that i discovered and started to refine or at least learn how to begin refining in college].

i want to have a bonfire/cookout before the weather reminds us (or most of us) why and how much we really don't like this part of the country for the majority of the year.

i liked being a mime. i could be really direct and i didn't have to say a word. so the verbal and non-verbal communication didn't get mixed up. they seem to a lot with me.

aren't we all misunderstood?

how do you say goodbye without saying anything anymore? is it just "understood"? i've lost what i thought was a friendship but the friendship was never really there to begin with if i'm losing it like i am now.