today marks another official beginning for me: that of a *real* college graduate.

i've been posing and parading for a year and a half now, but as of 8:20 pm tonight, it will be official (so long as i don't royally screw up my self-defense practical-- five minutes in a room with 3 different attackers and 15 random attacks to defend that ive learned this semester-- or get below a D on my final anthropology paper (a book review!!!). so, after all that and a little trip to get my transcripts sent to mal-one, i should be able to get my diploma. although, i don't know the real definition of diploma. i always equate it with "very expensive piece of paper". eh. i wish i were canadian. then maybe i wouldn't be so cold now, in o-HI-o.

ah, responsibility. how i loathe it, fear it, crave it. simultaneously.

come january, the resume will be dusted off and the search will begin for a job in pittsburgh. although, i might need to hire a career coach or something because i am not feeling so sure as what i want to do.

perhaps the whole "what color is your parachute?" will help. i want to review that. i've pulled that out for a few non-malonites to see and they've darn near crapped their pants. so many people can't fathom having a portfolio. although i look at it, and i still feel lost as far as what i want to do. i don't know where to begin as far as putting what i love and am passionate about and gifted/talented with into a job-- where do i start looking for that job. i know i'm not alone- conversations had with other alum. at the 24 hour theater festival helped affirm me and edify me as far as me concretely knowing i'm not an island on this one when i felt like it not so long ago.

no (wo)man is an island, right?

how do i play by corporate rules? i've never understood or very much liked them. my sister, the crazy HR person that she is, is so definitive. watching inside the actor's studio with michael j. fox not so long ago, i fell in love with alex p. keeton all over again. he said something about never being interested in math, in absolutes. something about 2 plus 2 would always equal 4, so what was the fun of that? what was the discovery in that? whereas in english, in writing, in performing, in creating-- there was always something new...some new way to tell the same stories. (if, in fact, the 39 (?) story theory is correct). always something to discover. and i know, you never really stop learning, no matter what you're doing. but how much do i really want to learn about banking? the pay is decent, the healthcare is amazing-- but i don't really care if the cash advance machine is balanced at the end of the night, and i don't really care if my tickets are all the same size and i get too stressed out about making sure my drawer is balanced, my checks are balanced, everything is labeled and signed and initialed the proper way. it's not worth the stress, the stomach ache. and i still need to work on that perpetual people pleaser thing. so little faith in the one true Giver of all, so little faith.

this entry is too long. if you've not skimmed, i am flattered that you've taken time out of your busy holiday schedule to read my rantings about my trivial life.

right now, i'd like to go to grad. school in a couple of years. in a couple of years, who knows if i'll still want to go to grad. school?

my mind fills with what-if's and drowns out the blessings of right now. i used to be so damn good at living in the moment that i would forget about really planning for the tomorrows-- now i'm so busy worrying about tomorrow that i forget what needs to be done today, what needs to be enjoyed, suffered through, cared for, finished, started.

saw rent, like so many other bloggers out there. cried like a baby through the majority of it, the kind of crying that swells up inside your body and explodes in heaving sobs through your chest and you have to gulp down air so as not to drown in the beautiful sweet pain of realizations and remembrances. i held it in, though. big alligator tears streamed down my face, soaked my scarf, and i took deep controlled breaths to avoid any sobbing noise to emit from my being. i saw it with my friend, tony-- a bigger, kinda scary looking dude who has a shaved head and deep piercing eyes. he cried too. he held it in, just like i did. in a theater filled with mostly theater people (all dressed the same trying-to-be-unique way).

why do we hold things like this in? children don't. the moment a child is hurt, in any way, there is not a moment to question it before the tears spill like offerings and keening begins. but here in america we are taught not to cry, not to take things so personally. doesn't that (at least partially) take empathy out the of the equation? doesn't that negate the power of relationships, even relationships of passing aquaintance?

and here i go on another rant about community.

well, i'll stop there for now. and i'll finish the paper that i am so diligently procrastinating on right now.

it's a wonderful life.

~peace.

Victor Turner.

Modern god of defining what "liminality" is. (i bow down).

and i got to discuss him and his wonderful ideas briefly in cultural anthropology monday.

Let's pause for a second to realize how unbelievably FLOORED i am in doing this.

(very much so).

Interestingly enough, we are talking about this as we discuss Rites of Passage and Religion and Culture.

a quick recap of Monday:

"during a state of liminality, one person or group is free from the confines of one's designated role, liberated from normal social constraints and may form strong bonds from all levels of society/walks of life- free from the structures that normally separate."

...

"liminality and communities-- Turner links liminality (being in a state of) with creativity and notes that prophets and artists tend to be liminal/marginal (on the outer boundaries of society) people who strive to rid themselves of structure and role playing."

...

"structural life would become mechanical if not for periodically being immerged in the regenerative abyss of communities."


I can't even begin to say how Monday night's class was like a church service for me. Which is probably good, because I haven't been to church in ten days.

And I couldn't help but think of all of the Malone-ites (myself included) who are obsessed with the *idea/concept* of liminality. And I wonder if all of these other people who are as obsessed with the idea of IT as I am feel like they are bound by structures and role-playing much more than they would like to be. I feel like there is this perception of who "I am" that I must play the part for so much of the time.

In other great news, I am so blessed to have had the weekend I just did. Thanks to all who were a part of it. And now I will crawl back under the covers and cough myself to sleep.

today is my birthday.

people of the world, rejoice! i am one year away from the silver anniversary with the earth.

feel free to send greetings and wishes of good happy joy my way.

and for my birthday, i would like you all to do one thing for me:


have a fantastic day!

i am signing up to volunteer for the USO.

i figure, i don't want to be one of those people who wants to support the troops but doesn't physically "DO" anything to support them. so i am getting off my fanny and supportin' like it's nobody's business.

"for the boys" and a friendly reminder inspired me to do so. i freaked my parents out by telling them i was going to be a candy stryper (sp?) in Iraq. they didn't like my joke.

highly enjoying training at the bank. highly enjoying having amazing healthcare benefits for v. little monetary sacrifice on my end. i haven't had benefits in nearly a year.

a youth leader once more. toilet bowl football on Sunday...so i'm already planning on that not being a Sabbath...

bronchitis setting in.

just watched "the village" last night. hadn't before bc i don't like scary movies. but my pastor recommended "the village" so i figured, if i got scared and hated it, i could always blame him. ah, scapegoating. how...appropriate, when speaking of this movie.

i liked it.

i think i am in agreement with many when i say that i wish it didn't end where it did...that there was more of a continuing story. but that means i had vested interest in these [main] characters, so that's good too. i liked the story. i think there are so many levels to what everything and everyone and every action and every choice represent. my pastor told me, as he recommended it to me, that the first time he watched it, he saw "ivy" and immediately thought of me and couldn't shake the thought of "that's kristyO" the entire time he watched it...that, there were certain characteristics about her and her character that so strongly reminded him of me. i wasn't sure how to take that, but after watching the movie...i think i'd like to take it as a compliment.

off to tuck in my grandmother and get to bed before too late.

to live is Christ, to die is gain.

that i might decrease so He can increase.

so i might gain.

be washed clean in this unholy night.

right my wrongs so i can Love.

take this thorn from me.

take this Thorn from me.

Take this thorn from me.

i cry out and you answer.

let me hear and stand firm upon your words.

i called off work today. it's the first time i've called off work in nearly two years. i've not felt healthy for a few days, but i was trying to just press on and hope it would pass. it didn't. even as i sit here now, typing, i am coughing.

so i made myself rest today. i haven't done that, really done that in over three months-- i haven't made myself rest, i haven't kept any kind of Sabbath. and i mention that now, because in my rest, my self-mandated burrowing in to my blankets and comforter, i read lauren f. winner's "girl meets God" in it's entirety. is that a word even? i had started to read it a few days ago, a page here and there when i had a free moment. but i devoured it today. and once i was done with it, i felt different. like i was hyper-aware of everything, of my surroundings, my relationships, even the dirt under my nails. i became much more aware of the fog in my mind, much more aware of how little i really care for myself, and in doing that, i can better care for others. i've had this revelation many times before, i've had many mentors, friends, loved ones, gently tell me with their brows furrowed in concern that i need to take care of myself better. but today, this revelation, it felt different. i don't know if it will be or not. but i like the idea of concentrating on just putting one foot in front of the other and being honest about who i am. and who i'm not. and who i can become. and being open to that.

winner's words, a brief message from senior high last night and those of a church sign are haunting me today. those signs-- with their catchy cliche Christianese, usually annoy me. i read them and roll my eyes and look down on them, the words, and whomever thought they would be a good idea. but it said....

if you're not ready to forgive, you're not ready.

and i keep pondering that. because i am at a point that i feel resistant to forgiveness, that i am digging my heels in the ground and clawing desparately to have and to hold my own self, to hold on to the hurts of being taken advantage of, lied to, forgotten.

not that i ever lie, take advantage of people, or forget the significance of relationships.

I-thou. i'm a lot of "I" too often.

and the questioning of Christianity as an ethnocentric worldview-- winner helped me see something in a new light. the ability to keep a foundation and respect others for their foundations, but to still be happy with those who are joyful and sad with those who mourn- that in it self is the foundation of Christianity. that is a big part of what Love truly is.

i want to know how to harbor Love better than i do bitterness, resentment, jealousy, lethargy, apathy, and everything else that i harbor that does me and anyone else no good.

hegemony:

preponderant (having superior weight, force, or influence or having greater prevalence) influence or authority over others: DOMINANT

we talked about this in my cultural anthropology class today. in relation to worldviews, and how cultures clash- it does often seem that this may be the case.

it's like-- when a certain worldview is held by the majority, it is taken for granted that all other worldviews are measured and stacked up against it, in some kind of odd comparison competition where minority worldviews and judged and are not given a real voice to be heard.

along the lines of ethnocentrism.

so, is Christianity ethnocentric? because, if a Christian believes what he or she believes to be true is infallible or absolute truth, isn't that lending towards a predisposition to judge and condemn? does absolute truth than lead to a weak witness lacking love, compassion, empathy, and dare i say possibly even justice?

Romans 12-- i forget the verse. but, Paul writes that we are not to repay evil with evil, and that "vengeance is mine" says the Lord. we should rejoice with those who are happy, and mourn with those who are sad.

the belief system of Christianity then must walk a fine line, and how often i fail this! how often i pray in hindsight for a safety net to catch me as i plumet once again. the idea to Love, and to leave judgement to the Lord...to believe in Him as eternal and absolute truth as a triune God who offers unending grace, mercy, and above all else, Love, through acceptance of the atoning sacrificial third of the triune, the Son, as the only means to get to Heaven...i keep thinking it's heavy stuff. so simple, and yet it seems so complicated- to easy to fathom?

so how can i better respect other belief systems, love those who hold them, and still acknowledge to an audience of One (and to boldly proclaim) that he is the only way, truth, life?

i know the proverbial safety net can't wear out. but how can i try to use it less, lest i abuse the grace and mercy given to me?

i seem to have a lot of questions tonight.

i am unbelievably blessed with friends that surround me, near and far. how am i blessed, wherever i go, to be given these gifts of friendship? and true friendship, even if it changes as i or another moves on elsewhere? i am eternally, forever, unbelievably, thankful. and that comma was more of a sela, to pause and reflect on each adjective.

hello.

i've been away for a bit.

i always feel the need to apologize for that. but i will refrain, this time. for that.

i got a job at a bank, which i am thankful for. retail is not my thing-- i don't like it, never have, and i don't think i ever will. i don't think life at a bank will be all that exciting, but it's a much better paycheck than the one i get from current retail death. (chokes and falls to the floor dramatically after looking at retail pay check). as soon as i officially finish my degree on december 14 i want to get certified to be a substitute teacher. and then i want to work with hell raising city children in this burough the world calls youngstown for a few months.

finish my degree? ah, yes, folks. i am here to admit what a ridiculous fool i am. i do not yet have the piece of paper that says $80,000 plus was spent on furthering my education and changing and growing me as a person because of a cultural class and a gym class. oh yes, that's right, a gym class. so, i am finishing these two at youngstown state university. the upside of that- a different worldview, and the opportunity to take a self-defense class. i am having a wonderful time in both classes- cultural anthropology, *currently reading "the spirit catches you and you fall down" by anne fadiman--- which is a wonderful, wonderful ethnography, highly recommended; and self defense. i've made a few new friends in y-town, mainly theater people. i tried out for the fall mainstage production ("the miser" by moliere) and was smacked down and humbled to not be cast because of scheduling conflicts. although, to my credit- i did meet with the director/theater professor in the summer and ask when rehearsals were held, he never gave me a straight answer, and i scheduled my classes at what i believed to be appropriate times. i was wrong. to pet my bruised ego, my friend tony (cast as the miser, harpagon) informed me that the director thought i had a fantastic audition, wanted very much to cast me, but couldn't because of scheduling conflicts. i would have loved to do moliere, so i am a little sad about it still (as i don't know of many/any theater prospects in the youngstown area and i would have to pre-birth sell my first born to afford gas to travel to pitt or cleveland for rehearsals).

well, i can't seem to write short posts. and no one wants to read anything this long. except maybe me.

i had another wonderful southside experience in pittsburgh last week. (wahoo for chocolate).

unfortunately, the following day, my car died. let me now reflect in a moment of silence.






okay. done with that. so now i am looking to find a car, or to buy my sister's car off of her, because she is getting a brand spankin' new 06 honda with her real job and salary that comes with that job. [another whining tangent- i want a real job where i can use more than one of my gifts and talents that i discovered and started to refine or at least learn how to begin refining in college].

i want to have a bonfire/cookout before the weather reminds us (or most of us) why and how much we really don't like this part of the country for the majority of the year.

i liked being a mime. i could be really direct and i didn't have to say a word. so the verbal and non-verbal communication didn't get mixed up. they seem to a lot with me.

aren't we all misunderstood?

how do you say goodbye without saying anything anymore? is it just "understood"? i've lost what i thought was a friendship but the friendship was never really there to begin with if i'm losing it like i am now.

support our troops.





i don't know if the country has come to an agreement as far as the definition of this term. or if we've come to an agreement on anything really.

(forewarning: this is a fairly long and rambling post).


the woman, cindy sheehan i believe her name is, that has been protesting at bush's texas ranch (and who recently had to leave for CA to take care of her ailing mother) is an interesting news piece. she's giving a mouthpiece to people who are angry and who think that bringing home the troops means withdrawing today and everyone flies home tomorrow is a viable option. i'm sorry, (well not really, these are my opinions and i'm entitled to them) but she's confusing me a bit. her son willingly joined the military. he wasn't under a draft, and he went in to join and serve in the US Military (Marines, if I remember correctly). as far as i can remember, voluntarily joining to serve in the military does bring with it a possibility of serving in a war, or other threatening zone, and with that comes the very real possibility of harm to life, even as far as death. i'm pretty sure that people are aware of that going in to the military. so, i would think that their parents would be aware of that as well.

i am not saying that i cheerlead the loss of life to soldiers and others in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and anywhere else that life has been lost in this war on terrorism as it has been dubbed. quite the opposite; i, like many in this country, pray every day for the troops, especially for my boyfriend, whom i hope returns safely, and with whom i hope to spend the rest of my life.

the woman's grief is completely understandable- if she wasn't fully of grief over the fact that her 19 year old son was killed, then there would be a lot to worry about.

but if she (and other protestors) really want things to change-- i'm not sure that setting up camp and talking to news crews is really getting something done. if she wants to improve the state of this country and of humanity, i think protesting with words alone is the last thing to do.

i am curious as to what people think troops are doing over in Iraq. i am curious to know what people in this country think is really happening over there-- what it is that we are fighting and what it is exactly that different troops are "doing" over there.

isn't there anything more productive she can do in her son's memory than bitch to the administration?

how would we as a country handle it if someone started getting noticed for protesting to end poverty now, and actually believed that poverty would be something that we could change before the weekend ends? changes in humanity and it's condition don't take place overnight.

i hear a lot of bitching about how the war is being handled. i'd love to hear some truly viable options as to how YOU would handle it if you were president of the USA. if things changed today, and you were made president for a day, or a week, how would you do specific things differently? i'm not talking about broad generalizations. i mean, with all this bitching about "bring the troops home now" (which, trust me, i would love if my man was home now but i don't believe that's a viable option) how do you propose we do that? and tell me, what do you think are the ramifications of bringing the troops home immediately? how would the condition of the iraqi people change if all of our boys and gals were home next week?what do you think they are fighting? and fighting for?

if this is how Cindy Sheehan needs to work out her grief, then i say, work it out. it sucks- no parent wants their kid to die before they do; it's just not natural. but how much has she really researched as far as all that the bush administration (w's and his father's) and the clinton administration have to say about all that is going on in the middle east? with the Taliban? with terrorist cells? with bin Laden? does no one remember the day nearly four years ago when thousands of people were killed on American soil by hijacked planes?

i don't believe the US is a great and loving peacemaker. don't think that i am saying that. i think we've done some pretty assinine, messed up things throughout history. i'm pretty sure we'll continue to screw up some things in the future. and i'm sure we're screwing some things up now. but how educated is the american public about everything involving the current war? i know i'm not nearly educated enough, and i won't pretend to be. just because i've read a few news reports and declassified government documents, i know i don't have the whole picture.

but i want to know more- about what i can do right now. and i don't want to do it on impulse or emotion. i want to do it out of Love.

i get to go to PITTSBURGH tonight!!!!!!!!!!


(am just a little excited)


although, before i go, i should probably memorize my lines for rehearsal tomorrow. that might help in the whole getting paid process- doing my job.


but almost all the funriture will be taken away from my apartment bu the end of the day thursday. moving is weird.


do i want to start my teacher's licensure in january? i wonder if i'll even have enough money by then. and then, come next august, i know i'll want to move back to pittsbugh. and then, next may or june (2007) id like to plan a big event. i dont know, i dont know, i dont know.



and ihave no idea who posted a comment on my last post. i didnt even think anyone read this, so maybe i should edit mystlf more.


i usually just end up sending melancholy and depressing because i vent on here so much. it's like my happy little virtual friend *pet pet*.


now to do laundry so i can make sure that i have some kind of "cute outfit" with which to impress the youth pastor.

what happens when you ask yourself who are you really special to,



and the answer is no one?

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my parents aren't getting divorced. honestly, i wish they would. but i can't wish that much pain on my mom.

i miss my blue eyes. i know the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. everything else, it's all fucked up. disenchanted, disenfranchised, dismembered.

am i too laid back? do i not stand up for myself enough? how can i stand up for something to believe in when i don't believe anything right now?

i think i may hate myself again. i don't want pity. pity's only a poor excuse for neglected friendship.

i have nothing really nice to say, so i won't say anything at all.

one song with my man....

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
All the lights on and you are alive

But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

~cary brothers, "blue eyes"

i have a navy blue wall. well, it's not actually navy blue. it's something perfect dream but we'll just call it navy blue. a very dark navy blue. (my mom hates it).

i almost got sprayed by a skunk while loading my car with stuff for the moving process.

there is intense drama at the house right now. my parents might be getting divorced...i still don't know if it's serious or not. i think it might not be. these things happen every few years, but the drama is seeming to last longer this time around, so i don't know. if you are reading this and you are of the praying persuasion, please do so for my family.

i am blessed to talk with dave about two times a week. the only negative is that it's him calling me...there's no number i can call him at. so i pick up the phone to call him about a half a dozen times a day and then realize i can't-- i can only hope that i am able to answer the phone whenever he calls.

i am starting to set much better priorities. i've lived to please others for far too long. i need to keep remembering that doing what is best for me doesn't mean i am always going to be doing what i want at any given moment. you think i would have learned that by now, but after nearly 24 years, i still don't get it.

reading "the four loves" by c.s. lewis. trying to restore a more "right" view of love as Love and of love as how it should be, how i can strive to be, and how it has and hasn't been truthful or necessarily good or bad for me to experience in my life thus far.

i almost hit an old lady who was driving today. and i felt bad (which is normal) but i keep thinking...most of the time, i really shouldn't be driving. i'm not a good driver.

i really don't have much else to write. life's been a roller coaster, and sometimes i cling to God and sometimes and cling to what seems safer...that little metal bar right in front of me, the certainties that i can plan and control and work out. but we all know that's a lie anyway...

i'm going to miss being able to see jason c. at random times. every meeting time i've had with him post-graduation (and before really) has been such an adventure- i've highly highly enjoyed.

he's going in to the navy. dave is leaving for iraq within hours i can count without much effort.

and i am again overextending myself. i thought it would be harder to do outside of the college world. but it's just as easy. my new vice is distance. stage managing a show in cleveland while living and working in the pittsburgh area cannot be an intelligent choice. so why did i make it? i still feel called.

what are spare moments? thinking about that lately...it seems that they [spare moments] are moments that i set aside for me-time that i choose instead to usually give to others, or at least not give to something for personal gain- like, reading a book in the park, or stopping by just to give a tired friend a hug, or staying awake just a little bit longer and listening to someone who needs to get it out.

i don't know how many spare moments i have left in me right now, or this week.

this isn't one of them. i should be in bed.

and the shoulds and the actually's collide.

i am unbelievably selfish.

well, first bachelorette party under my belt. it's a good thing i drove myself, otherwise i would have had a lot more to drink.

i like still being friends with people i went to middle school with. even if i don't like youngstown at all.

rascal flats should have had the theme song for the night.

why do guys in bars think "you should hang out at the holiday inn" is a good pick up line? is there an honest thought that i am going to say "ooh baby yeah i bet the holiday inn has so many things to do like you"? instead, i say "what's there to do there?" and then, the wonderful girls say, "ooh we are leaving now!" and i say, as i walk away "nice to meet you anyway".

i don't wanna get married for a long long time. well, semi-long time. like, multiple years, but maybe not double digits worth of years.

i want to dance.

Well, I'd like to visit the moon
On a rocketship high in the air.
Yes, I'd like to visit the moon,
But I don't think I'd like to live there.
Though I'd like to look down at the earth
From above,
I'd miss all the placesand people I love,
So although I might like it for one afternoon,
I don't want to live on the moon.

~the wise words of kermit the frog.

"Maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

i am unemployed.

for whatever reasons, it is both refreshing and bittersweet all at once. i think, all the feelings that i had at any graduation or ending-banquet-type-thing hold true here, except, here, i wasn't honestly very close with many people in the experience. but the experience in and of itself provided this relationship of sorts, and the people i was involved with were close, enough. and i feel this sense of relief and closure all at once. i had much more intelligent things to say but this why don't you shut up computer froze after a long typed out blog in the hour of 3 am and i didn't want to retype. na na na na naaaaa. oh well. that's life. and then i start over. again.

i got this call yesterday to go read for this abridged four-performer version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. i squealed in the director's ear. it sounds like speech on speed. that's hot. (oh yes, i just referenced paris hilton). and i would get to work with super fun stage combat clown and former teacher, which would be fantastic!

enough about stuff going on in my life.

on to stuff going on in me.

i am torn. i am in one of those wonderfully liminal spaces of time where i would love to just move somewhere far, far away and start over, with everything. a new me, a different time, more people i don't know surrounding me, etc.

i feel nailed to the ground of yin-ser land because of my stupid lease. at least, through august. and then i have no idea. it sounds kinda sucky, but i am considering moving in with my parents for a little while so i could just work some crappy job and save money and head out to, wherever. i don't know...that while might have to be very little, because sometimes even a day trip there makes me want to curl up and cry.

i want so badly for the house i grew up in to be filled with laughter, and happy memories. and there are a few. but more, i remember the fights and the harsh words. and so i learn every day, every moment, to try and forgive. i don't, always.

i have the kind of mind that forgets where i dropped my keys, but i can recite every hurtful word every spoken to me.....

so there's this tension of what i want, and what i remember, and how i have failed and how other's have failed me, how i have failed God, how i am not perfect, i am no where near good or holy or clean. and i read, the old has gone and the new has come, and i don't see much change.

and there's this me that is trying to grow as the artist God has gifted me to be and also the woman he has gifted me to be and sometimes i don't focus on one at all and i don't even want to talk with anyone about it.

i don't know anyone that really cares enough to listen to me through it all, this side of Heaven.

i've opened up the communication lines with God again. they were closed for a long, long while.

if i ever ever ever get married (at this point, i don't feel to called to it for a while off) i want my mom to be my maid of honor. she listens and she cries on my shoulder.

i want to be that open, that transparent, and i'm not. i'm a big fake and i don't let many people in if anyone at all.

i'm still trying to figure out if i can.

there's this point where i need to let go. like...when i care about someone so very much i can't even put it in to words and they want to move on and i know that maybe it would be better if they did but i hold on, with this death grip, and why? because i want to be a good, forgiving, good, kind, good, nice, good person. but i don't even think i am that, most of the time. it's like...this sense of obligation drives me more than anything else when i "do good". so it's not this passionate striving for good as this journey or goal- it's just this time card. and it's based on emotions much of the time. so how do i let go when i have no idea what i am holding on to?

guess i better stop waiting.

my 84 year old grandmother (in response to a goodbye and behave yourself because you've still got a few hours left of your birthday from my dad)...

"well, at my age, you don't really need to say that. although (pause for a moment of deep thought) i do wish i had someone because i'd like to see what sex was like"

oh yes. i guess, i gotta get it from somewhere (the bluntness that is).

rachel yamagata will be playing at mr. smalls funhouse this friday! still not sure if i'm going...

i had my first pf changs experience friday. it was, typical, for a chain restaurant, minus that whole plate of food falling on me as a waiter dropped a tray of food directly behind me. no harm done, i was just a little surprised...i never quite expect a plate to smack me in the back and then shatter on the floor behind me in a place of food-getting. but, i did get my sweet and sour chicken and hot tea that came in a really cool french press tea pot for free.

i feel a bit more together every day, and i think it's because i realize more every day how much not-together i am. the honesty is freeing. i am regaining my confidence, and my sassiness. it disappeared for a while, or at least it was hibernating (damn northeastern winters). another reason to move someplace mainly sunny.

i think our souls change in the winters around here. i think we become more of who we would like to not be out of sheer desparation and boredom. there's not much to do that doesn't involve five layers of clothing besides sit around and talk...and it seems that there aren't too many people that can do that/want to do that about much besides yeungling, the steelers, and other non-related gossip.

i think my soul might die a little bit each winter. at least, when the winters are so long. so is my joy conditional? it's not supposed to be...but it probably is.

i want to pet my dog.

i've been wondering...

does culture instigate myths of stereotypes of race and gender? and regardless of whether or not [pop] culture instigates these stereotypes...does it [culture] enforce our beliefs of them?

i think so.

a discussion on racism started with fellow tour actors on a two hour drive back from a show last week.

i know, i know. don't go there. nothing about politics or religion, and don't have a conversation about race issues with a group who doesn't even communicate well about loading and unloading a 15 passenger van.

anyhow...

we went there. and it all started with the siting of a confederate flag, nearly immediately followed by a comment on ignorant back-woods folks and racism.

i disagreed.

i take the confederate flag as a symbol that can represent many different things to many different people (and it does).

most others in the van were along the strong lines of it being a racist symbol and that alone.

i disagreed.

the discussion went along the lines of race issues, symbolism, the civil war, the civil rights movement, interracial dating, "reverse" racism, and more.

it was a heated discussion, but for the most part, we were able to listen to each other.

i was so interested in the initial subject matter, however, that i felt compelled to research after getting back to my apartment. i pulled out the ol' Nation of Nations book and started looking up stuff about the civil war and trying to find info. about the confederate flag. i even called dr. jay case (who was extremely insightful and helpful).

i brought up my interest and research the next day before a show and was met with some hostility. a member of the tour who was not even a part of this conversation decided to try to rip me to shreds based on erroneous "evidence" and assumptions and his feelings. i was shocked that someone would talk to me like that, let alone in front of a group of people. i had just been reading about the matthew 18 principle for confrontation and i was really appalled because the person confronting me is a Christian and has been for a number of years, and likes to let others know it. just because this person is a Christian doesn't mean that s/he is perfect (i am fully aware, as i am not). but i couldn't believe that i would be talked to in such a way...so hateful and absolutely horrid.

in my shock i responded in a negative way my self, telling the offender to do the show without me and running off, making it to an elementary school bathroom stall and climbing on the toilet so as not to be seen by any children before bursting in to tears. the pms couldn't have helped the situation but i know it was far from the cause of it.

i composed myself and came back to do the show, knowing that more than one person depended on me. i cried through half of the show. so...i have no idea if this means that i am not cut out to act or if i need to sequester myself in to serious alone time before shows/performances or what.

either way...it was a learning experience. (another one).

i know we are all horrible human beings...fallen and full of sin. i still have a hard time understanding when we hurt each other...when someone hurts me. but i am trying to learn more about not needing to always understand (and let me say, i am fully aware this is going to be a long and arduous part of the journey).

in other news...

i am freaking out because in two weeks, i will be unemployed and still have no job. i don't know if i want to stay in pittsburgh or if i want to live with my parents and work a crappy job that makes me a lot of money for a while and audition like hell or if i want to keep auditioning and work a crappy job around here, to pay my dues, so to speak.

i had an amazing audition at the Cleveland Improv. Institute. and they called me back...so i was very excited. but they don't pay for rehearsals (2x week for four months before performances start) so it wasn't realistic for me to do that financially right now.

improv. is very fun though and i hope to do more of it in the [near] future.

i need a freaking job!

okay...now that that's out of my system. i will go grocery shopping. i will hang my clothes up and be able to see the floor of my bedroom. and i will watch gosford park.

i love closure.

i miss conversation.

in other news....
i am now a member of "christian" media. i got hired for a christian TV sitcom today, as a recurring regular. eh, it'll look good on the resume. i think it's an experience God wants me to have, but i keep praying that it's not another experience for me to be stressed out in. i'd rather just a simple side job, where i can go in, do the rehearsal, shoot, and be done. guess i'll see when the time comes.

5 more weeks....

8 weeks and 3 days until dave is home...

2 weeks until a nashville roadtrip?

3 days until i meet with my evidentally new "talent" agent...

4 days until my next paycheck...

a lot of counting going on.

and though i realize i value a whole lot of people...there are some that i need to thank for being a *true* friend that i can trust (although i am to trust no man, because all men and women fail). if you are such a friend to me, i hope you know it. and if you don't...just ask.

okay...off to find some beuchner and boenhoffer at the library.


i've not been so well in a while, as well as i am at this very moment. i hope you are just as- even more so- well than i...full of a peace that you can't dream of creating yourself!


~resting in grace

hey. not much to say, really. i just haven't written in a while and felt obligated.

obligation. hmm....interesting word.

my struggles of late have been trying to sift through my priorities and my obligations, trying to make them match in a way that allows me to grow as kristy, and not just as "friend" or "girlfriend" or "daughter" or "Christian" or "actress". i've never really done this before, in all reality. see, i've always had these amazing people in my life who would do all of these things for me. so, now i am trying to learn how to own myself, and my own being as a part of this World.

in Pitt. 'till August. Maybe longer...depends on the job situation. after Saltworks, i have no idea what i want to do.

i've gathered a good number of pen pals over the past few months. it makes me feel a whole lot of things to continue writing with a 13 or 14 year old. jealousy- over the unassumed simplicity of youth. thankfulness- that i am not so sheltered any more. dispair- over not being sheltered so much any more. more. more. more. but i don't feel so inclined to write about that now.

or much of anything. i feel a need for silence for a little while, at least, here. so, i welcome any and all contact- but i am not promising an expedient reply. but lack of reply doesn't mean lack of love. in fact- the waiting, is still the way to hear God whisper "I Love You." not that i am trying to make you hear God's whisper. but i am not making any promises right now, either.

hope this finds you re-listening to the sounds of silence.

i've tried to post about four times in the past few weeks, and every time, the computer freezes. let's hope this isn't a fifth...


well, dave is in training. a long plane flight away and an hour ahead of schedule than me. which helps if we want to talk in the morning for a brief second, because he usually is getting up around 430 or 500 his time while i'm usually getting up around 530 or 600 mine. ha, my time...what a concept.

i guess...i wrote happiness is conditional because i was thinking more along the lines of joy being a fruit of the spirit and happiness being a fruit/thorn of the flesh (albeit one that i highly enjoy as much as possible).

still at saltworks. still love working with the kids. starting to get a good smack across the face though about working in theater. i know in theory most people are petty jerks most of the time- i know i can, in fact, be one of those people- even though i try not to be, i am not always successful at my endeavors.

i kind of wish that i wasn't working with Christians though. because, although believers and non-believers alike gossip and dislike me as well as praise me and enjoy my company- usually non-believers make a choice as to which they'd prefer to think of me and don't hide it from me- laying the cards out on the table, so to speak. just, tired of the politics at this particular place for now and ready to move on to another one, with different politics, and so on and so forth...perhaps i'm more of a nomad than i'd ever care to admit. being a pack rat and a nomad is kind of difficult though...i'm going to have to work through this.

i want to work with kids this summer. i also want to make money and be able to save up and pay off loans, at the same time. impossible? maybe. but i'm going to try any way. i've been very tempted to look in to cruise ship work. i won't divulge why on here, for fear that there will then be a mad dash to all cruise ships employers, but it's been a serious consideration as of late.

i've been struggling with my faith and frustrations a lot lately. I'm understanding more about how life can be a fabric of faithfulness and it's been helping to re-read things from mal-one, especially capstone stuff and comm. stuff, and a lot of stuff from theater classes. i hope to impart some of those blessing on the world, in some way, some day.

well, i am at the library and have to run errands now before stores start to close. and i want to watch cinderella tonight. ah, the love affair with disney, cartoons, and judy garland and the andrews sisters continues...

may this note find you living in unseen hope.

i am one very happy woman right now.

i won't be blogging again for a few days to expand on this.


but when i do blog, i most likely won't be as happy.


oh well- happiness is conditional anyway.


hope you are all having a wonderful new year!!!