Thursday, September 29, 2005

i called off work today. it's the first time i've called off work in nearly two years. i've not felt healthy for a few days, but i was trying to just press on and hope it would pass. it didn't. even as i sit here now, typing, i am coughing.

so i made myself rest today. i haven't done that, really done that in over three months-- i haven't made myself rest, i haven't kept any kind of Sabbath. and i mention that now, because in my rest, my self-mandated burrowing in to my blankets and comforter, i read lauren f. winner's "girl meets God" in it's entirety. is that a word even? i had started to read it a few days ago, a page here and there when i had a free moment. but i devoured it today. and once i was done with it, i felt different. like i was hyper-aware of everything, of my surroundings, my relationships, even the dirt under my nails. i became much more aware of the fog in my mind, much more aware of how little i really care for myself, and in doing that, i can better care for others. i've had this revelation many times before, i've had many mentors, friends, loved ones, gently tell me with their brows furrowed in concern that i need to take care of myself better. but today, this revelation, it felt different. i don't know if it will be or not. but i like the idea of concentrating on just putting one foot in front of the other and being honest about who i am. and who i'm not. and who i can become. and being open to that.

winner's words, a brief message from senior high last night and those of a church sign are haunting me today. those signs-- with their catchy cliche Christianese, usually annoy me. i read them and roll my eyes and look down on them, the words, and whomever thought they would be a good idea. but it said....

if you're not ready to forgive, you're not ready.

and i keep pondering that. because i am at a point that i feel resistant to forgiveness, that i am digging my heels in the ground and clawing desparately to have and to hold my own self, to hold on to the hurts of being taken advantage of, lied to, forgotten.

not that i ever lie, take advantage of people, or forget the significance of relationships.

I-thou. i'm a lot of "I" too often.

and the questioning of Christianity as an ethnocentric worldview-- winner helped me see something in a new light. the ability to keep a foundation and respect others for their foundations, but to still be happy with those who are joyful and sad with those who mourn- that in it self is the foundation of Christianity. that is a big part of what Love truly is.

i want to know how to harbor Love better than i do bitterness, resentment, jealousy, lethargy, apathy, and everything else that i harbor that does me and anyone else no good.

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