Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Just to begin, with an apology. I know my admiring fans have waited with baited breath and hook for this forthcoming blog for *gasp* over two weeks. And now, it has arrived (the red curtain parts and the spot light shines down on the bare stage, kind of like when the enthymeme is introduced). So, at what I do worst, I laptop has disconnected me from the internet in my dorm room, and I am now merrily perched in front of the computer at my parent's house, awaiting the day our nation celebrates gluttony (which is thankfully not the way my church celebrates the day). Either way, I love jellied cranberry sauce and my grandma's gracy over turkey cooked three different ways and my cousin's wedding soup. *yumm* Okay, now I sound highly gluttonous (if that's a word). I feel this proverbial need to fill people in on my life. Like you, dear adoring fan. Well, I'll try to make this as brief as humanly possible...I went to St. Louis. And that was GRRRRRRRRRREAT. Really, though. It was such a blessing to spend that time with the debate team. I <3 Bemis, Clifton, Josiah, Scott, Joe, Blodgett, and of course Andrea. The 13 hour van ride with Joel, Karen, Audrey, and Ann...nothing has been more frustrating or hilarious all at once in my life up to this point. Ann became Gracie Allen with the funny noises she was making, laughing and crying so hard. Karen got to sight see...Audrey didn't quite know how to handle us but laugh and sing along with show tunes, and Joel tolerated our incessant labeling of him as Amazon or backwoods or mountain climber Joel. Ann was crying because she was laughing so hard...of course, only when traffic was at a dead standstill because a trucker fell asleep at the wheel and his rig full of pig fat *yes folks, I said pig fat...hmph* and 70 west was closed for five miles through Terre Haute took THREE hours to go FIVE miles. Something is so not right with that detour. Anyhow, more gold-painted cheap plastic was championed, wahoo.

Okay, so it's not that winning isn't this goal of mine. It's just so SUBJECTIVE with forensics. And in the end, I'd rather learn how to improve and understand how people truly communicate than have a bunch of trophies.

And Tech is in full swing for Sanders Family Christmas and I LOVE THAT CAST. It's really one of the best casts I've ever been a part of, and I'm not even *fully* a part of the cast. It's over half sold out for all shows at this fact, the way ticket sales were going, I'd venture to say that it's over that at this point. It's funny, a good time, etc. It's cool that we (that includes all technical staff) can create the atmosphere of a small church in the 1940's. And I have a pine cone on my coat that might take someone's eye out if they're not careful *winks*

Okay, so I have all of these THINGS that I would love to blog about. Like, I watched CSI tonight and the it moved and became largely the narrator...but most people probably wouldn't even pick that up.

And again, so many conversations as of late about how I DESPISE that women who are nearing or over 30 that aren't married are pitied or looked at as a lesbian or any other number of things. I cannot stand that!!! I know this is kind of dorky, but what the hey, so am I...this actually was tripped in my mind by an episode of The Nanny last night...her mother is always on her about getting married. So maybe it's this Jewish thing that the show plays up on as a stereotype. But is that it? I could make arguments for both a yes and no, but either way, I can't deny that culture, American as apple pie culture, has played a part in this view. This is both Hollywood and right winged staunch Christianity and everything in between. If a woman isn't married, she is too often portrayed as one who's been wronged, or the wild child that needs tamed, or happily single but sleeping around, etc...has anyone seen a woman portrayed as happily and joyfully single by choice? If you have, please please please let me know! is the address.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And I should be working on homework...that ever-looming dark cloud. And I want to finish my hot chocolate which I can't do while typing. So, farewell, loyal readership. I hope to hear from you soon (anyone else waiting for the final movie of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy? I may have a countdown starting up real soon...)


Wednesday, November 12, 2003

and i am also trying to play with links....
almost another week gone by....

time flies when you're having fun, don't you think?

oh sarcasm is highly irrelevant on the computer screen. it's just not so effective becuase it loses that personal touch that makes it mine, ya know? *deep sigh*
who knew that i would be lamenting sarcasm when midnight rolls around?

and why do i keep asking questions of you? like you'll answer, or something.

i leave for st. louis on friday...and won't be back until late on Sunday night. it'll be good to get out of Canton for a bit. it'll be great, in fact. thursday night is a trip to cleveland playhouse square to see thoroughly modern millie ( and have a q and a session with juliana, the coolest understudy in the world.

oh gag me and my silly little delusions. i keep thinking that if i leave, i'll have this magical thing to come back to. call it home, call it love, call it whatever you'd like. but the more i leave, the more i realize that there's got to be something bigger that drives me, inside. and i am just scared that i don't have what it takes. what it takes to do what, i am not quite sure. i have these auditions in march, and i do not know what the Lord has up his sleeve for me...not that i am suggesting the Lord is playing a good craps game or something of that nature with my life....just, He's full of surprises. and it's surprising because, at this point, i feel like i've no idea where He's taking me. or i do and i lack the confidence at this moment to believe it.

i went home last night (monday night) because i hadn't seen my parents in five weeks, which is pre-california LA visit, and i missed them. children don't do that enough with their parents by the way. and when they do, they don't admit it enough. and i was supposed to visit my grandma. and i forgot that i had an exam in my early class on Tuesday to study for, and i don't get out of class on mondays until 4 so i didn't get home until nearly 530 and i hate that i had to call my grandmother that i love and miss SO dearly and tell her that i had to study for this exam for a class that is so STUPID in my book and i have to take it to graduate and the professor has tenure so i hear a lot of his political views which i could quite frankly care less about when he is not encouraging us as individuals to learn the evidences or whatever and decide for ourselves. granted, we don't have doctorates yet, but can't we please be allowed to THINK for ourselves??!?!?!
and i just wanted to see my grandma. how sad is it that when i call her (at least once a week or so) she nearly bursts into tears because, although my mother sees her about once a week, and she has her card club and her visits from her brother, she tells me that she is bored and lonely? can i even begin to say how much my heart breaks knowing my grandmother sits at home watching baseball or football on tv and listening to perry como as she schedules her meal times in between her medicines and she's alone, while i have these "things" that society and the educational structure continually tell me i HAVE to do. or else...what?

i have to work. i know that. i have to pay bills and build credit. otherwise, i will be in grande trouble as i graduate with a 20+ thousand dollar debt from student loans. ah, the educational system. who knew how grande it could be?

i have to gain experience in my field. which requires a lot of rehearsal and commitment of my time, mainly at night, the only time i don't have classes, or the only time i could otherwise work.

i have to be well-rounded. okay, i like that idea. i'll admit it. i like being well-rounded. but to feed into a competition of who knows most and who does best? gaaaa! and doing so because i am taking some courses that aren't even challenging me to think.

i have to write papers and take exams to demonstrate my understanding of the knowledge, and then be GRADED...oh so subjectively check out the NOV 10th blog here....always great comments and commentary, great one.

i have to develop relationships which are meaningful and fulfilling. this is a staple of life. and yet, with all the "stuff" in life, what gets shoved to the back first, too often?

as bemis would say "ring by spring" or for non-Malone-ites, i best be getting engaged before i graduate college. i mean, what else is a good college education for other than to find that perfect mr. right? and i, of course, i am then fulfilled and have found meaning as a person because i can be married before i am 23. (note: sarcasm).

where was it started to say that a woman finds her worth in whose arm she walks into a room on? or that romance and marriage only happen if you are "good enough"? what is good enough, anyway? what if, i never get married? will society refuse to accept me (especially Christian circles) because i am not searching and focusing my hopes and dreams on finding that perfect mate? i get so ANGRY that women are pitied because they aren't married by age 30. what is there to pity? paul flat out states that it is better NOT to marry...he knows that by golly, it's hard work. it's a HUGE thing. if he could figure it out back then, then why can't we figure that out before that dreamy and expensive trip down the aisle today?

okay, i've got a morning class. and it's one that i actually like...substantial discussion and learning occurs. every morning. wow...what a concept for higher education...discourse and discussion. free thought and thinking THROUGH issues, and not around them. on that note, i shall slumber peacefully. night folks, see ya'll again hopefully sooner than a week from now<><

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

sooooo at the command and complaint of andrew rudd (who now is mentioned in two of my three blogs...FEEL SPECIAL) i am blogging. it's been a real busy week folks.

i found out today that i have been accepted to be interviewed for the Ireland 2004 service learning trip. and that's really cool, but i am still not quite sure the purpose here. it's more out of fear than anything else i think. i don't want to face the fact that i would love to go, and i am afraid that things won't work out the way i want them to, so i just kind of act like it's okay. i am giving it all over to God every step of the soon as i start thinking about the trip and the application process in an unhealthy manner (eg when there are five of us in the cafeteria who start talking about it) i reroute the conversation and just pray that the Lord's will be done.

and that is such an ambiguous statement sometimes, don't you (yes, you) think? it's like...too many Christians get all happy using the phrase when they are just too afraid to admit they are big weinies and don't really pray for what they truly desire...even when i pray for what i really desire (which i should by the way) God isn't always gonna see things the same way, and His answer could quite possibly be quite different from what i would like. or, they don't know what they want and don't want to put much thought into it so they (being the general stereotype of Christians) just say, "the Lord's will be done" or something of that sort...laziness perhaps?

which leads me to a whole other is it that I can sit in the front section in chapel and still want to look at the screens when there is a speaker not fifteen feet from me? and i know i'm not alone...this generation raised on television. [sidenote: i believe my parents have done a fantastic job with me thus far and trust they will continue to do so as well]. is that laziness? or just....conditioning. so do i want to be a conditioned lab rat? or should i do this whole "rage against the machine" thing? i don't know....

oh here's a really cool quote. and i think it fits. except i'm not a guy, i'm a chick (in case you were wondering) but it applies no less...

I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie that everyone's pulling for. I want you to be the guy in the rated R movie who you're not sure if you like.

--Trent frong Swingers

i think i like it. it's more true to life, more real than the whole idea that like the infamous seven myths (alluding the mass media and society here) where there's this overarching theme with many that so many people are pulling for you or me....that the main theme is that so many are on your side as you succeed. which i don't really think is the case....i guess it depends how you measure success though....if it's that whole get rich and famous thing, there is just a small group of people supporting you along the way. and if it's celebrating life's little victories, there's still a small support group that surrounds you. i guess, it's just like....there's more real love you can experience in that smaller group than you ever will at any point in time in your life. cherish it. go kiss babies and make peace signs and run for public office. but cherish it, okay?

okay...i have a job interview at lerner's tomorrow which is cool because i love the clothes there...but i am still working at dick's sporting goods. who knows where this will go...and now to work on groups and watch the golden girls in the living room *big smiles* later kids. oh and check out great show...can't wait to see it and juliana! okay good night for real!!! <><