been lookin all the wrong places
to find the things you intended
been searching all the wrong faces
for a smile that is friendly
help me stop looking every place
and look to you to find hope
the way you're smilin on my soul
tells me the homeland is close

and so i'll wait
yes i'll wait
Lord please take me there
to a Higher Place
and all those nights
i spent down on my face
Lord take me there
tired of tryin' my way
oh take me there
to a Higher Place

so tired of flyin' this banner
on the winds of good intentions
but with your hand in my hand
i got a shot at redemption
aint no pill
aint no drink
to make me feel like you can
and while i write it all down now
i can feel you getting closer

and while i wait
so hard to wait
oh please take me there
to a Higher Place
and all those nights
i spent down on my face
Lord take me there
tired of tryin' my way
oh take me there
to a Higher Place

i depend on You
won't you take me there
to Your Higher Place

i depend on you
my whole life i've been in sinking sand
Father won't you take me there now
i put my whole heart in your hands
don't gotta worry bout my problems now
Lord I know you're gonna solve them
don't gotta worry bout tomorrow
got laughter for my sorrow now
i'm relyin' on you

i just gotta thank you now
oh take me to that Higher Place
Father won't you take me now
this little girl's not gonna be in sinking sand now

~erin burkett

*thanks dad, for sharing this with me

v. quick update:

i am "on vacation" until january 17

so i want to see a lot of you.


there is a wonderful man in my life named dave- long story, don't feel like getting in to it, don't feel like dealing with any possibly judgement or hurting anyone- but will talk about it if asked, gladly!

dave is leaving for training and then for iraq on january 4th.

would love for people to come to pitt. new years day!

off to lunch with mum-

but looking forward to some calls on the cell piece from you! yes- you!

hope this Christmas season is a reminder of the blessing that waiting can be- how much more joyful can we be as we actively wait for the return of the one who we celebrate the birth of? waiting is active, you know. thank God we can wait together!


<><

**this has nothing to do with the previous post, but i figured, why not add a little political humor to what is my life right now???


i shall now relay the story of how the west virginian children told me they were going to vote before the elections, and why.

it was the monday before election day, and we (saltworks) had just performed a show about drugs and it's effect on a person and the family, and i am sitting in the middle of a noisy cafeteria teeming with seventh graders. i put my tray on the table and start picking at my mystery meat substance, and look to the girl on my right.

"so," i say," if you could vote, who would you vote for?"

she stares at me and pulls her fruit roll-up from her nylon sponge-bob lunch box, and blinks. "i'd vote for kerry because bush is responsible for thousands of people dying in war, over in Iraq and stuff."

"well, why is kerry better than bush?" i reply, not batting an eyelash.

she picks at the fruit roll-up. "i don't know. i just don't like bush."

a young version of zach morris sits down next to me, and i turn to him. "so, who would you vote for if you could vote today?"

he rips open his milk carton and retorts "bush, because if kerry is president, he'll ban hunting, and my dad and i go hunting all the time."

a young poet sitting across from me nods vigorously in agreement. "well," she exclaims, "the whole hunting thing would be bad because if you can't hunt, then there'd just be too many animals running around."

her hands start to wave in a frenzied excitement, matching the tone in her voice. "and then, everything changes depending on what you think about the whole homosexual marriage thing. because kerry's for it," she pauses to frown in disdain, "but bush is against it."

her enthusiasm continues. "now, i personally think that they should all go on an island somewhere, you know, and just be gay there." she picks up her plastic fork with nonchalance and digs in to her mashed potatoes. "what about you?" she asks.

"i don't know," i reply. because "i don't know" seems to be the only safe answer in this world, at this moment.



so- there's the story of how the west virginia children would vote. i suppose- it doesn't seem so much different than how the rest of "adult" america votes.

so, no matter how prepared i think i am....it still hurts.

i don't really want to talk about "it"

but i do want to be honest. i'm afraid...that this change will have effects that ripple through the rest of my life and relationships. maybe- not all of my relationships. but i am sad that there are people at mal-one who i now wonder if they will still be friends with me.

i guess...something of substance?

that doesn't make any sense. well, it does to me, for now, at least.

i've seen more and more this past week that God divinely takes care of me in all the details. i see it- but i still don't believe it. or, i believe it, but the extent of the pain that i can feel doesn't seem to decrease.

challenge: to look at this as: an opportunity for God to fill me with his joy; the blessing of gaining a friend back; a place to be human and hurt but not be swallowed by that hurt; to rely on God without denying my human condition.

hmm...that last one. i think maybe- full reliance on God is found within the realization of a fallen human condition. but...i think i justify my reliance on God too often, avoiding the reality that i am still human and do still go through all that a human goes through...it's just too easy sometimes to cover myself with the mask of "contemporary Christianity".

the only people that i could let hug or touch me right now would be: my mom, my dad, my sister, and erin. i've never felt compelled to push people away before...at least, not like this.

i want to be in a "real" theater production. don't get me wrong- saltworks is an amazing job. but i need something as an outlet right now. so, i'm going to keep searching for more "real" auditions. let me know if you know of anything.

for all that i've been wrapped up in for the past six weeks....i've not been a very good friend. i've not kept in touch like i want to. and i seem to be losing my memory. so- i take the stand that i don't want to forget. please, help me to keep remembering.

so i was talking with erin (surprise)

and she brought up a really good point....

if you see the potential in someone, and strive to encourage them to reach that potential- but- they don't see that potential on their own or don't believe it (as in the space for growth/improvement) then aren't you just controlling them with good intentions?

i'd say yes.

even the best intentions have the *potential* for the most sinister outcomes.

and when i spoke of faults/flaws in the previous blog- i should have added one more word-- that the flaws alone do not make a person...but one cannot be who they are without this flaws. the flaws are a part of what all that person encompasses.

letting go and cherishing sleep....

it seems that every post i get to write in here as of "late" has been depressing.

so, i'm going to *try* to break that trend and be honest.

church was interesting today. well-- it was informative, and a blessing. but i was still falling asleep. even though i went to the last service and got a solid eight hours of sleep last night. there was a pastor from syria speaking this weekend, the man in charge of the syrian CMA churches. it was so cool to hear how the gospel and churches are thriving in this part of the world- and to hear and see video of things like retreats for the youth and such- so very similar to what goes on in the states in appearance, at least. i am sure things are not "the same" with it being a completely different culture and whatnot-- but to know that God is doing amazing works, to see in a more tangible way that He is a bigger God than anything I can imagine...it was good.

i was supposed to go to cleveland this weekend, which ended up not happening. it might be for the best, but i am still reaching and praying for understanding right now.

i was thinking today-- that we are who we are....we were each created to be who we are- we were given our flaws and our better attributes. and that musical- off-broadway- "i love you, you're perfect, now change"- i was listening to that this weekend. and i keep thinking- i don't want to change anybody. because i don't want someone to try and change me- in to this ideal of a person that they want me to be. transparent: i am speaking more about "romantic" relationships. but-- can't we always work on how we communicate with one another? at least- try to reach an understanding, when there doesn't seem to be one...or when one seems so very far off? i want to. i want to learn how to best communicate. but it's really hard when i don't know how i am not being understood- and i don't know how to begin to understand. communication- can make me very vulnerable. and i know that the risk is greater- but so is the payoff. the reward- of the honesty and truth and beauty of letting go and letting be.

i think- that loving someone means loving them for who they are, where they are- and not playing God- not making them in to who i think is better or best- but seeing the potentials that God has for them and encouraging them towards that ever-pressing goal. and i think loving someone means that you have to allow yourself to be loved- to acknowledge your flaws- but not apologize for them, as if that is what makes you who you are; they are, a part of you, which without you could not be you. like- i know i can be a huge pain in the ass and very high maintenance- but i am also extremely compassionate and (i've been told) charming and charismatic. so, i'm sassy. and i have a huge fear of abandonment. which my frustrations stem from. and i am a control freak. i've got baggage. but who doesn't? because other's baggage looks different doesn't mean they are less of a person. should they be loved any less by me because they have different needs and fears and quirks and gifts than me? shall i offer less grace because they fall short where i exceed? isn't that the opposite of what the body of Christ is called to do? because- love- is work. is so very much work. but- there goes back to the payoff- the risk and the reward. if i am hurt, do i choose to be less vulnerable, or do i allow that hurt to be brokenness mended by God alone, and allow the overflow of what God gives me that i can't deserve spill over in to other's lives when they least deserve it? i guess- either way, there doesn't seem to be a "safe place".

anyhow- i am off for "coffee" with a dear old friend, johnny. so, my musings, ponderings, and senseless babble will have to wait to reach paper till a later time.

hope this finds you resting in the grip of grace<><

so, all i really want to type here is bullshit.

i mean that.

i'm in canfield right now, after a week in new jersey and a few nights in nyc. i like chelsea and the gay district more than times square.

so, i've been attending this church in "pitty" (blame jason buckley)- www.acac.net is the web address if you want to learn more about it. but- it's been great. i've only gone a few times thus far, but the month of october has been (and for one more sunday- the last of which i will miss) all about sex. and not church sex, either. it's not just been "sex outside of marriage, homosexual sex and masturbation are bad" talks-- but really tearing apart and in to the word about it. really looking at the truth of why we do what we do- these sins that we repeat and the consequences we reap with our actions. the church is in downtown, too, so there's actual diversity. not to say that pittsburgh is a "real" city...decision: NYC and LA are the real mega-cities, maybe- maybe- Chicago. Places like Pittsburgh- there are jems buried deep in piles, but the piles are still shit.

i've been on a cussing spree lately- like a sailor. i'm trying to cut back- because i see that my word choice has been out of laziness and anger and confusion and not out of appropriateness. a time for everything....

i haven't written in a while- so i'm getting it all out. if you don't want to read, don't feel that sense of obligation. do the skim the first or last part of each paragraph thing and skip to the end.

anyhow- one of the things that we've looked at in the light of messages on sex has been covenants, and covenant language. pastor rock has said some things that i am still trying to wrap my feeble mind around. and i'm going to type them here and they are going to appearlike easy sound bites (sp?) on the page and i'm going to feel like an idiot. but such is...

covenant language: God defines his relationships in covenants. Covenants are carefully defined relationships, grounded in binding commitment. and we have no right to change the meanings assigned by God. and Love must be tested by covenant commitment that gives it content. These points have many other things- words- assigned meanings- that connect them. if you really want the notes, i'll give them. but for here and now, it's my version and my blog so i'm gonna write whatever i want to. because i need to. [man, i sound like a defiant little *wench*.]

so, with all that said, i keep thinking as i "forge new paths" if any relationship i have had thus far has been one that i have established a covenant in- a covenant commitment in. i know, my parents had with me, otherwise i wouldn't be here today. but it's been take and take and take and how have i allowed for a covenant in which i allow my love to be tested and refined (i suppose something like silver in the refining fire)? i doubt that i fully have.

i also keep thinking about how ambiguous and changing my relationships all seem to be at this point- from my say "hey" to neighbors to my conversations with God. but- i don't know if i ever let my relationships be defined in the first place. i know- i am a control freak. i like to know what's going on, way before it's going on, and be as prepared as i can. call it the "preparing for an audition" side of my creativity. i can still go with the moment quite easily, but i always want to look ahead.

these new "communities" are starting to form around me. and i know i am taking part in this construction, but i don't know if i like it. i don't even know if i like my self all that much right now.

these blogs always sound so depressing.

i want community, but i am so picky about it. i don't seem to know what i want. i know- this year is going to continue to be so stretching. i do hate overnights though. the people i work with are nice enough- but i still don't want to spend six straight days with them and no "freedom" that i have known-

that ability to take off whenever i want to.

not necessarily have to leave- but just to know that my car is there and i can go. whenever. wherever. and just- be.

the knowledge of my surroundings as "mine".

not a toilet seat that has been sanitized 1/10 as many times as it's been sat on- by strangers.

not a bed spread as ugly as it's matching counterparts- curtains and hotel paintings- that's never been washed and has had more spilled on it than i want to partake in.

not all white towels in an all white bathroom.

not commercial places with ugly bars and servers in polo shirts.

not that awful smell of moved around dust and sterilized sections of a room.

not the drifting aroma of weed from a room or four down.

quite a connection to have with any part of humanity- taking that in night after night.


my small group is all "praise W" republican. i'm cool with whoever anyone chooses to vote for- so long as it's informed. if i hear "Bush loves the Lord" one more time, i might scream though.

but- i will continue to choose to keep my covenant with humanity through God- to love the vilest of all, even and especially when that most vile is me.

So, I still miss a lot of people. But, to all who sent e-cards and sang me songs on my voicemail, I do appreciate it!

That Kelly Clarkson song, "Break Away" is stuck in my head. It has been for, about- two weeks now? But I won't go buy it because it's on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack. I am refusing that (even though I did just buy the soundtrack from "Garden State" and I would highly recommend that purchase).

I am choosing to relish every moment of liminal space that I am right now. There's this fluxation in my life between what is petty and what is not and who I am because of what I do and how I look at myself, my relationships, my self-worth...this transition from one stage in life as I grow in to where I am now. And it's still very stretching, but very good and painful. I guess, like this play that a friend of mine wrote last year, I will bottle up my tears.

Okay, that sounds so depressing. I am not just sitting around "Pitty" crying. I am having a great time. I have found an awesome church and am beginning to get involved there. I've started really exploring different areas of the city and have just fallen head over heels for the south side. I'm meeting some more interesting people and learning more about myself/who I am than I knew I could. It's just- different. But, change is good. So- I relish.

I shall be in New Jersey all week (and I will get to go to NYC and Philly while there). So, please feel free to give me a call...as, if you are reading this, I most likely miss you, and- although I enjoy the people I work with, 24 hours a day for five days straight, including travel time in the van- it's a lot. Heck, I don't even want to spend 24 hours a day with myself half the time.

Well, off to see a play in downtown pittsburgh. Supporting friends and such. Hope to hear from you (friends) soon.

Agape

work's still going awesome. and i'm still tired (still, nothing new there!!!)

we started tackling a new script- all within it handling shakespeare, suicide, mental health issues, eating disorders, and relationships. it's not easy.

i miss a lot of people from canton. i still miss the community. but i am learning to live by myself. no- i'm not an island. i've never wanted to be one. but, the more i perpetuate "alone time" the easier i find it is to become an island. i'm plugging in to stuff at church. i'm reading a lot. i'm trying to find room to breathe. i'm trying to rely on God more. i guess, it's the trying that moves me from one moment to the next. and that's a good thing. because then, i can only be in that one moment.

i keep trying to hold on to the future. it kind of screws up the present when i do that. so, i'm working on it.

i've got a whole lot to give, and a whole lot i'm afraid to give. so, the fears are getting driven out more and more. i like that.

i like honest.

"truth is beauty, beauty- truth"

i believe God is found in the details. He is the big picture and he is within every detail.

even under a bottle cap.



great message and encouragement as well as something of admonishment for me personally from jared at church today....

reminding me

-that Jesus noticed, even as he was mauled by many, how one woman touched his robe

-that the God who is King of Kings and Lord of Lords came for all who would choose to enter in to his family

-that he loves me where i am, in the details, in the little things, as i am a little thing, a tiny magnificant creation that is his Beloved

-that family is not by blood, but by those who choose to enter in to community with you (and with Him) [okay, this one is more of a personal insight, but it came about from listening to mark ch. 3 and reading matthew 5 today]


may you find God in the majestic miniscule details of your day

~O~

still love my job...

monique and i get along pretty well, so that's a lot of fun (i imagine that if the two girls on tour didn't get along that it might be a little bit more difficult...)

we had our first performance. it went pretty darn well...and i got to hang out with K-3 for a while during their lunch time. eating lunch with kindergardeners puts a new perspective on life.

i look forward to a tuesday performance where i get to be the goth character that i love and make the seas of students part when i walk between them all.

other than that, it's been rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal, run show, lunch, line through, run different show, get notes, do non-performance duties, go find props and costumes, eat dinner, work on lines, go to sleep, get up, and go again. it's fantastic!

yesterday, i was stuck at work until 7 pm because so many roads were flooded in pitty.

today, my parent's renew their wedding vows in honor of their 25th year of marriage.

tonight, i get to see the 24 hour theater festival at malone.

tomorrow? well, i'll see about that when i get there.

God finds our desires and passions not too strong, but too weak....

I LOVE MY NEW JOB!!!!!

and that was shouted in a very gleeful manner!

www.saltworks.org

i can't believe i get paid to do this...

it's official.

for the next 12 months, i am a resident of Pittsburgh. Cranberry Township, to be more precise. if it's less than twelve months, i have to fork over about two grande-- so, i'm thinking it's going to be for the solid year.

j. davies helped me move today and i could not have done it without her. i also don't think i could have ever laughed so hard while moving couches, dressers, and other very heavy objects.

brian called me from malone today...he's moved back in, and he's with friends for the evening, celebrating a wonderful guy's birthday (i think it's 21 so it'll be a late night). it was a little sad-- hearing all of those people who are still "together" in a way that i won't experience this year with a "live-in" community.

it's kind of a hard balance- because there are people still at malone that i want to keep in touch with because of who they are and not where they are....but i want this clean "break" from one chapter of my life to another that can never happen...damnit. too bad my life is not a clearly divided novel. but even most novels nowadays seem to just kind of end a paragraph and start another with a different numbered heading.

although, technically, i am still a malone student. stupid ysu didn't send my transcripts until too late for everything to finalize before the august 20 grad. date, so i won't be getting my diploma until december now. so, i'll probably still be in the phiz with that horrible picture. eh, who cares???

i have a mix of gavin degraw and dashboard confessional running through my mind. hmm.

my body hates me right now for all of the moving i've done today. so i think i will try to sleep. with all of these thoughts flying and spinning through my head. ha. this should be interesting.

cause i just found someone special,
and that's really something special
if you knew me,
nice to meet you, anyway

packing and traveling too and from "pitty". yep, that's about it.

i don't know when i'll have the internet up at my apartment, so feel free to email- but i don't know if i will be able to respond any time in the next couple of weeks. calls and old-fashioned mail is always appreciated though *smiles*

lakeside was wonderful. there really is something *different* there...that makes things the best of what they are. maybe it's just the company i keep, though...

redefining my *true* identity. Abba's Child....

as His Beloved
<>< peace

didn't have to work today. wahooo! though i would have liked the eight hours on the upcoming paycheck, eh...

officially, seven days and 15 minutes will be my moving day. (if you feel like helping, just let me know) =)

going on a mini-vacation with my mom this week. a lot of relaxation is going to happen...and maybe even a date with a fantastic guy. some time on a boat and visitation of lighthouse areas and and island...Lord willing and weather permitting.

i am basically going to be alone for the first month in my apartment. i'm a little scared about that...i haven't lived by myself- completely- before ever. i've always had roommates or family or someone else there. i like someone else being there. i'm needy.

(so please please please come visit).

i have packing stuff to do but i keep spending time with people. well, people from my high school days, actually-- which is quite unlike me in regards to the past two years...but these are some great friends.

i went to a poetry slam the other night with my old dear friend (and former duet partner) kurt. ah, my favorite little korean in a booth...

anyhow, it was original poetry and kurt won. he really rocked-- he's been developing in to an amazing writer these past few years, and i felt priveledged to be there with him for the experience and even more so to consider him a friend.

one of those friends-- the one's where you haven't spoken for months, maybe even a year or more...and you see each other and just pick up. i so appreciate that.

there are a lot more people in the pittsburgh area that i know than i realized. well, okay, there ARE people in "the pitty" (thanks jaybuck) that i know already and didn't realize it until i got a few random and surprising phone calls. so, i have a little community already.

i'm ready to jump in to something new. in fact...every day, i want all of this change and consistency all at once--- i want things to be fun and suprising and daring and adventurous, but i want a place of solace as well. i keep finding that place is God. even though my apartment shall be quite cozy and homey and such...that place, is God.

i am still too much of a control freak. i need to realize the difference between good and bad control....i think i am still a bit manipulative at times-- mostly unintentional, but sometimes for my own benefit.

reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning....and realizing that i need to be more honest about the imposter that i am. i need to stop keeping score.

hoping that we can all find a wide, deep, everlasting chasm of peace and love tonight.

So, I officially have an apartment. It all worked out. Now I just have to give them nearly a thousand dollars in two weeks, with utilities and such.

And this week has again, not been easy. I've been thinking a lot about the events of this summer, and of the "last semester" of my college career...I've been thinking about friends, about life and death...about good-byes, and their importance in my life- even though I will try to deny the importance of a sense of closure too often...this, brought on again, by another friend's death. I had not been in contact with him for a solid year and a half, but I can still remember our last conversation...he was my CA in my first semester of college, and I've kept this note that he wrote to me my freshman year as an encouragement.

I don't know if anyone else had to sit through "this" (following) in junior high or high school, but I experienced some "motivational" speakers who brought up the reality of our mortality to us immortal feeling youth...by telling us that likely, in five, ten years- at least 3 out of a room of thirty would most likely be dead. The conversation then proceeded to cancer, AIDS, drugs, but not surgery, not old people who shouldn't have their license any more, not pneumonia and sudden, too sudden, pains.

This is going to come off as too dramatic, but oh well...it's what I feel in this very moment, and that's the only place I can be. I just don't have anything else to say...because I don't feel like goodbye is appropriate...and in all honesty, I'm afraid of what that word means at times.

And then you wonder: which was better? burning or bleeding?

I suppose this is another one of those "rhetorical" questions...

But I do still wonder (isn't that the point?).

I suppose the more I think about it- my mind keeps wandering back to the intent of a person. To "get" burned...some force outside yourself is in play...or some force within your self that you would rather not acknowledge.

So when some thing or person burns you because of love- in the most undiluted sense of the word/action- than I would rather burn for all my life than bleed.

But when a burning happens out of the sin of man kind- my veins would rather run dry.

And yet- aren't most people well-intentioned to their own [limited] knowledge? That would be...not saying that humans are/not intrinsically "good" vs. "evil", but most have "good" intentions?

So, that being said...I still wrestle with the well-intentioned demons that confuse my every step.

Evangelicals who will carry signs at the funeral of a person who lived a homosexual lifestyle yelling of Hell and damnation.

Paris Hilton and her life.

Random adults asking me if I am dating anyone.

My father's recommendations of how to wash the dishes.

The "contemporary" church's need for a media-infused service.

...Granted, these are all on different planes of life. But- I suppose, I would hope that the intentions of any one of these "do-ers" is, in some way, good.

So, how many people have I hurt so far today?



"I can't believe I gave a dork my underware"

so i made a "to-do" list at work today. i have to do something there...otherwise, i literally fall asleep in the middle of calling someone.

i've always been pretty a pretty anti-to-do list person.

but i've started to shut down lately because i have so much to do...so i figured, that if i at least had a little paper that i could scratch things off when i was done...maybe that would help. a little. perhaps, i even thought for a moment that i would find my salvation in it. in the accomplishment of the list that i have now not being the same list that i have two weeks from now. mostly, because if that were the case, then i probably wouldn't be able to start my job so well in pittsburgh.

so, nowhere on my list was cook dinner for five and run to the emergency room for tonight. but, i guess...that's why i've never been a to-do list person...because they (the lists, that is) never seem to work out so well in my life anyway. it's like...if i make a list, it is only to mock me sometime shortly thereafter.

have no fears- all is well. my mom just got a little too happy with a new kitchen toy her and my father purchased from pampered chef, and took off the top of her right index finger. it wouldn't stop bleeding, so we had to go in.

unfortunately, i think the dr. is a buffoon. but don't i always seem to think that everyone else is the idiot when things don't go my way, selfishly?

mr. dr. man had to burn my mother's finger to get it to stop bleeding. i forget the technical term for it, but really...it's burning flesh, people. i don't think you can get much grosser than that (although i am sure plenty have stories that match or beat burning flesh). but he didn't even numb my mother's finger or hand to do this! he just said "oh, this is going to burn a little" and proceeded to torch my mother's finger shut.

all was well until we got in the car (i was driving). we closed the doors and tears started streaming down my mother's face as she simply exclaimed "mother-f***er". the proclamation shocked me, as she appeared fine when we were in the lobby just seconds before. that, and seeing my mother cry always shakes me.

i put some drugs in her and made her go to sleep. so hopefully, she's in less pain now.

but i suppose...we all have these waiting rooms and lobbies in life....where we smile and pretend like things don't touch us, don't effect us. but they do. the thought seeps in to my heart most likely because i am re-reading "the wounded spirit" by frank peretti. it is such an amazing book....but i'm not going to plug it right now.

i guess...if our cars are these places we go, these shelters of protection (such as andrew R. mentioned that jaelyn referenced their car as being)...what would happen if we all rolled our windows down, old-school without the air conditioning, and paid a little more attention when someone is crying out an exclamation of the truth and beauty and anguish of the human spirit?

maybe it's good that i have an old car without air conditioning. i ride with my windown down every day...but usually not all the way. i think it's time to let my guard down...

i love those little moments in life when i am reminded that i am "not alone"...

not in some romantic way, or in some really tangible, physical, being-around-people way...

but realizing that others, whom you have grown to love and share things with, share quirks with you...and even fears about those quirks and what they mean, to make you as a person.



"i'm going open!"

if you know me, you know i get frustrated with my dad. really, really frustrated sometimes.

but when we sit down to pray before we eat, my dad bows his head, and his prayer seems a sigh, a struggle to thank God, even through the things in life he hates. especially on his "bad days". granted, my father still continues to anger me, say things i think are ignorant, not think before he talks, yells before he pauses, hurts me, frustrates me, angers me, makes me just...sad.

and i got to thinking...a simple lesson but one that i still don't (and probably never will) fully understand. we are that same way with God. we say ignorant things, we don't think before we do, we serve ourselves before we serve him. well, let me just start by dropping the "we" right now. why did i bring you in to this? i need to own up to it myself. and i figure, i hurt God, i break his heart, i fail him every day. many many many times a day. and yet, he still loves me. no, He doesn't want me to hurt him. But even when i do, he still loves me.

and realizing that makes another part of this heart of stone and flesh that i have melt and break and reminds me to hand it over to Him, yet again.

hi.
 
so, i wrote another wonderful blog and for yet another stupid reason, my computer froze.
 
it was truly wonderful, as i was (at the time) tripped up on vicodin. i say "up" because, although vicodin is, generally, a muscle relaxer, it evidentally has reverse effects on me. in case you're wondering...the vicodin is a result of getting my wisdom teeth removed this friday past. so, vicodin makes me bounce off walls and not able to sleep. but boy oh boy does it do a saucy little tap dance all over what could be pain in my physical self.
 
so, i had a wonderful little date night with amanda s. thurs, just pre-surgery. we think too too much alike sometimes...but it cracks my bones! we were both the exact same amount of minutes late (within a 2 minute grace) we both had thank you cards from months before that we had forgotten to get to each other...and we can understand the meaning of the phrase "anal retentive" without explanation. yep, that word is still looking pretty dirty when it's typed out.
 
we saw king arthur (i think i spelled that wrong) and it was pretty good...although i was absolutely full of homesickness for the motherland, aka Ireland, where large amounts of the film were shot.
 
the film ends with this unneccesary line...the kind that i hate. don't worry- i won't be spoiling the movie for anyone. but...a character (in voice over) says "we were fighting for...freedom" and then, of course, the symphony of music comes to a climactic swell and the lights come up and you realize once again that you are in a row of poorly upholstered theater seats with a bunch of shared strangers. (more on that concept later).
 
so, amanda and i start discussing freedom. and what it means to be free...particularly as citizens of the USA today. as "americans" (yeah, i know, we think too much...greatest strength, greatest weakness...life). and we had some really great thoughts, and conversation...but i can't remember it all right now. i do remember though, that we spoke about the deconstruction of the community that could be built but currently isn't because of the general ignorance of the american public in regards to mass media...this idea of freedom as to what someone else has told us, and we always believe the someone else's of the world to know the truth. so, there's the rather large generation that is becoming more and more aware of the world that they live in, but only in snap shots-- only from these limited view points...and without much research to find out otherwise. i hope that makes sense.
 
brian is home! as big a smile as i can muster without saying "ow" too much.
 
that's all i have to say about that. for this moment, i value my privacy. i value curling up in a large soft robe and shutting the doors to the computer world and enjoying my life without letting the world see what it is that i am doing.
 
i still miss my friends.
 
i still can't believe i'm moving in about six weeks.
 
i still am human. there i go again...messing things up.

as i was driving to canton on saturday, i went the speed limit. in fact, i even went five miles under the speed limit, and i put all the windows down and turned up music really loud and laid my head back on the head rest and rested my right hand on the wheel to keep the car on the road...and i stretched my left hand out the window and tried to catch the sweet air as i seemed to glide down the road. i went the back way this time...and i enjoyed every moment of it.

went to akron christian reformed church today.

i hadn't been there since i went with linda and chancels nearly two years ago. and i was refreshed in remembering why it was such a *blessed* experience.

a different way to look at grace (as we looked at the passage in Luke 10 dealing with the parable of the good Samaritan through a new/different lens)....

being wounded by the side of the road and allowing Jesus to pick you up and bind up your wounds- to make you clean (see also Psalm 51 and Hosea 6).

i was reminded again of how very prideful i am.

i feel like i have to clean myself up before i can go to God with anything. like, i have to have on the best suit and the right make-up/hair/shoes/accesories for an upscale office interview because i know that my resume isn't really all that great in and of itself. and i know that in and of myself, alone, i am worthless. but despite the self that i am, even through all of the ways that i continually screw up...God can use me.

if only i would realize that more.

"let my pride fall down/i'm a little man..."

my cousin peered around the corner as we were closing up shop at the end of the work day today, and actually said "t.g.i.f.,huh?"

who says that anymore?

who watches that anymore?

either way. thank God it is friday (in an american corporate world don't have to work thankful for the rest of the weekend sort of way).

amen to tgif

I keep thinking about *things* that transition you in to a new phase of your life. Or *things* that transition relationships in your life to a new phase.

What brought this on was (surprise) a conversation with Andrew Rudd. It was, as always, a rewarding time of shared-stories, but there was something a bit different about it...I couldn't quite put my finger on it...but when the conversation/story sharing was coming to an end, Andrew aka "Oh Great One" got out of his chair and hugged my farewell.

I know, it's nothing huge. It's a very simple gesture (and according to quite a few people, one that I offer too often). And it was...but it wasn't. It was like I moved a bit more out of the liminal doorway on to a side of richer and more meaningful relationship. Now, I'm not making judgement calls on student-teacher relationships and what they should or shouldn't be (or could/n't)...I'm simply saying that for me, knowing that I am going inch by inch in to new areas that are uncharted in my life, it was a tangible example of all of these uncertanties. Boy do I miss Lynn and Andrew...if either are reading, please know that! And thanks for a tangible example.

~~~~

When things are changing...oh this is going to sound unbelievably cliche...but it's from Calvin and Hobbes (a nod to Marcia, perhaps?) "Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different." Perhaps we are just more aware of the change when it is tangible...plus and minus on both sides...but I have to say...that I like elipses...and when change is "tangible" I think- I know- I can better appreciate it. The brokenness that comes with change that is inevitable is a wonderful thing. It makes me want to sing and dance and praise even "Sister Death" for how great Life is. I want to shout it out...

sorry i've been away soooooooooooo v. long.

the wonderful world of technology in the household in which the O resides had a virus. again. but it's all good now (at least i think so).

great news: www.saltworks.org

go ahead and check it out, because it is my new place of employment!!! i will be starting there as of sept. 1 in rehearsals...as a member of the touring company. wahooo! first "real" theater job (much excitement abounds)

also, i quit the evil empire known as infocision. i know i've said this before, but i've never been a part of something *so* unethical. much much dislike of the way that company is run.

and newsflash for those who hate hate hate telemarketers-- the only way to get them to stop calling you is to keep saying "yes, this is the person you are looking for. [thank you very much for calling but i am not interested]. please take me off of your calling list now. thanks!" if you don't say that you are the person they are looking for and ask specifically to be taken off of their list, you will not be taken off. i know- shady. so that's your best bet. unless, of course, you like getting phone calls at inconvenient times (which the person on the phone has no control over by the way). okay, enough about that.

and i got a new job that pays two dollars more an hour and they only need me for like six or seven weeks. which works out wonderfully with the whole moving to pittsburgh thing. p.s. if anyone wants to help out with the whole kristy moving in to her first place of her own thing, let me know. and dear friends and familial members in my communities of life that share the stories i am a part of-- that are *mine* (ha)...you are always always always welcome to visit!

okay...i've never seen cool hand luke. so i rented it. and i want to watch it. so i had best go do so. hope all is well! sorry i haven't been in great contact without the e-mail access. please, send a note my way.

oh yeah! also-- early-mid august, there will be a bonfire sleepover/camp out at my parents country dwelling. and if you read this, i know that i want you to be there. even if i don't know that you read this. send an email my way (or leave it in the comments section) mmmmk. that's all for now. cool hand luke beckons seductively.

peace yo<><

not feeling very original right now...
i heard this song on the way in to work yesterday, and it seemed to make the day a lot better for me. sounds cliche, but it captures what my heart is right now. so, i copied and pasted the lyrics...letssingit.com (i think i have an obsession there). it's by chris rice, and it's called "smile" so here goes....off to work again am i.

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now

You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

i just want this waiting to be over...



i wanted to talk today
about everything and nothing at all.
i didn't know where to start.

so, i was handed another script as i walked in to work.
and i had to say what was there.
i think i hate that.

words, being put in to my mouth.
but this time, i get paid for it.

i don't think i've ever been a part of something
so
unethical.

but, if this is the most unethical thing i've ever been a part of...
i guess i'm not doing too bad.

i want to quit.
i am on the hunt for a job that i can work at
make money
at least,
enough to save up some for the moving out thing,
and still sleep well at night with.

quitting is such a dirty word.

well, the 730 am wake up call beckons me...
a "final" in my dance class tomorrow.
at least this time it's on stuff that i know a *little* bit more about.

if you know of any job openings in or around the youngstown area...
please,
let me know.

back from a-live.

it was good times, being a "fish" intern for a week and meeting a lot of the artist's.

but i realized- that i have all of these *expectations* going in to any and everything. because i had such an amazing time and amazing people that i was with last year, i thought that i was going to have the same way of amazing-ness this year (that was way too many "amazings")...but i didn't...i still had a good time, and different kinds of fun, because i was with completely different people...but it wasn't amazing.

do i do this with everything i go in to? especially in relationships...especially in one particular relationship with a boy. i think i do...another part of the fallenness of me that i despise.

i've come to the conclusion that i really don't like myself a whole lot. this is not an invitation to pity me...this is simply a realization. i usually put on a decent "front" (at least, i think i do) that i like myself, while still being myself. so...i "am" myself, but i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to become what i would rather be than what i admit i really am in the quiet spaces of my mind.

i keep playing these *tragic* scenarios in my mind, trying to imagine what i would do in them...what would my reactions be, how would those around me react...is this the way i should react, that i want to react, or that i would really react? this isn't a creepy thing...or unusual, i should say...i've done it most of my life, trying to play out these *scenes* before they ever happen...the what-if's, because that's a popular enough phrase these days. and sometimes i get so caught up in all of these what-if's that i'm not right here...i'm detached and pulled in to thousands of different directions and i don't fully react to my life in the here-and-now. so...the stage is like this place where i can just focus on the here-and-now. and when i'm away too long, i feel even more disjointed. does that make the stage a god to me?

this blog is getting too long. i'll write more some other time.

To whom it may concern:

Kristy will be at the Alive Festival for the next few days. She does hope to see you there, and if not there...well, some time soon.

Bye kids!

I apologize for the *extremely* long blog that preceeded this one.

Now I shall play with my puppy and try to discover the in's and out's of a shop-vac.

I love the calm before the storm. It still scares the *piss* out of me but I thoroughly enjoy it.

I don't believe i have recorded the story of *the gas station attendant who gave me a cigar smoking lesson*

So now I will.

So, a little while ago, Erin and I (yes, the one who snorts and we are always together almost) decided to take a little drive up to Cleveland. Because we were/are bored out of our minds with Canton and Youngstown, respectively. So, I meander on over to the greater Canton area, and as I am nearing that which many know as Mal-one, Sab popped in to my mind. So, I called him (what's with me using "So," so much?). And upon my calling him, I discovered that he was in fact, doing nothing, and would be free for a day of frolicking in the Cleveland area.

Thusly, I went to pick him up at E. Hisey's place of residence. And upon my arrival there, I was *delighted* to see her! However, her day was planned around doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every moment of it, so Adam made him self pretty and we headed out the door to pick up Erin. We trekked (did I spell that right?) to Cleveland and romped around Tower City for a while, and then went to see Mean Girls (hey, New York Minute is pretty darn good too, so I hear...). And dinner at Hard Rock. And then a quick jaunt over to a land just East of the greater Cleveland area for Ice Cream *mmmmmmmmm* with B-rian.

So, (there I go again) after a semi-full day of adventures, we start heading back. Only, five minutes on the road and I discover this insatiable *urge* to smoke a cigar. Now, I've never smoked a cigar before in my life...the junior high and high school days of hiding behind buildings and smoking cigarettes grossed me out enough that I have not wanted to smoke anything *ever* again since. But that night, I wanted a cigar.

Adam was, of course, more than a bit excited at this. So, we pull in to the BP station right before the entrance to 90 and head in for my new cigar stirrings. Erin meanders off to find Starbursts and other *random* cravings, and Adam and I stand before the cigar stand, with me pondering which one I want to try. The attendant behind the counter takes notice of this, and starts asking questions.

"Have you ever smoked a cigar before?"

"No," I answer.

"Well, you need to try (and then he started sounding like adults do on the Peanuts comic)..."

"Well, I don't even know how to smoke one!" I giggle.

"Oh, well, all you have to do is breathe this and that way and then puff this and that way and then push it through your nose and do a little rain dance."

Okay, he didn't say the last part. But I had no idea what he meant, so I was looking at him like he did say it.

"Hold on, hold on!"

"Okay?"

He runs off and Adam and I kind of look at each other in confusion. (Can you be "in" confusion? Hmmm...). He reappears, cigar in mouth, and starts puffing away and shooting streams of cigar smoke out at me through his nostrils.

I, of course, was forever grateful that he showed me. Or at least, I acted like I was. I was more in disbelief that the BP attendant decided to hop out from behind the counter and demonstrate the how-to's of smoking a cigar for me. Adam showed me how to anyhow.

So, (okay, I think I need to start abstaining from this word) there goes the story of How Kristy Smoked Her First Cigar. Jolly good times.

Oh, and for Andrew Rudd...from a few posts ago (of yours)...hop is only one letter away from hope. So are bunny rabbits and toads closer to having a salvation experience then say, snails?

I sat through dance class today...it was a four hour and fifteen minute marathon. I had to watch this video of the LA festival of Cultures (I think that's the name of it?)...who cares about the name...
anyhow. My professor keeps echoing this sentiment as we journey through American Heritage dances and Tribal dances...and this was repeated by Aborigine (sp?) dancers on the video today...that the white man, the Christian, has tried to (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) take away rituals, dances, and customs which are carried in often times through dances because the "missionaries" saw the dances as evil, from Satan...these dances, that define the people as who they are from where they are and where they are from...are taken from them. Because some missionaries from westernized culture looked at them and called what they did or believed, evil. And I don't think we realize what a strong word "evil" is. Or "sin".

In theory, we get used to hearing them so often in contemporary American evangelical culture that I don't think we realize the impact of these words, and the impact they would have if they were to be spoken about what we believe (and I might venture to say then, who we are) we wouldn't even blink in response. So, knowing this, and knowing that I desire to love the world as God loves the world...and see the world as God sees it (or at least make every moment another opportunity to open the door to see and love in such a way) I don't know how to respond to this *evil* that is such a hatred of what defines people....I don't quite know right now how to respond in love when these *walls* have been cast up because of misunderstandings. And I want to know.

A bit of a change of pace from the past few weeks maybe?

I know at least *3* "film" people read this...so I am asking you to please please please please (yes I am begging) take a moment or two and give me some suggestions for films that have *good* (read: Andrew Rudd speak: great) dialogue in them...either between two dynamic characters or throughout with many or one character.

Any and all contributions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Another note...
I still love and miss you all.

And so it is...just like you said it would be......time goes easy on me...most of the time.

I am a selfish person. I am horribly selfish, and I selfishly cherish all of my friendships as if I can control them...their existence in my life. I miss my friends and I love them....and I love them so much right now. My heart shatters for the pain and devastation that each has faced this past week...and my love for each of my friends grows more and more. If you are my friend and you are reading this, if for any reason I did not get to tell you face-to-face...I love you. And I cherish you so deeply...and I will do whatever I can for you, whenever you need me to...you are in my prayers and in my heart always. I can't write any more now...but please know, you mean so very, very much to me.

I learned an African tribal dance today. And I want to teach it to a bunch of suburban-happy westernized v. white Americans. Let me know if you're interested. *winks*

Wouldn't it be funny to die?

At least, that's what I thought. Hell, I'd think anything but being here. So I get up off the cold and dirty gym floor. I've got ten minutes, and still, nothing to do. A hall to walk down, water to drink, but nothing to do.

"What are you lookin' at?" she smirks. I crack a smile.

"I was just watching."

"Right."

Racing down the spiral stair case I trip a bit, winding myself around the railing, holding on for some reason. For dear life? I don't know. Her voice rings in my head. What are you lookin' at? I could have answered a thousand different ways. But I choose the passive way, just like every other time. I just, watch. Breathing, heaving from the shock of the stumble, I search for my balance. I turn the corner and I am alone.

I find another dirty and dark corner to sit. Eight minutes left.

A gorilla walks by me. He doesn't really notice me, because it's dark. Bad vision. He wears his practice uniform as his pride leads his steps. The footsteps echo back and forth on the cold cement walls that hug my body, cradling me like a child. He stops and glances over his right shoulder, and I catch my breath. I try to curl up in to myself and be as still and quiet as I can so I won't be caught. His shoulders shrug and his arms fall to his sides. He keeps walking and I am safe.

I stretch my legs to the light in front of me. Only five more minutes remain.

Around the corner, the clinking of change falling in to a vending machine silences my sigh. The rustle of weight being shifted pushes the air in to new waves that force my legs back in to the dark corner. I can hear the machine softly whirring as buttons are chosen, purring in delight. The mystery vendee chose chips, and the air-pocketed bag pads the fall from a top shelf as the purchase thuds on the floor. The door creaks open and the hand shuffles for it's prize. Victory, and the swinging of the door as it plummets after the exiting hand. Heels click the pavement in a frantic passion, the sin of the victory chasing after the slender woman that brushes past me. She looks down, throws the 80 cent trophy in her purse, and presses forward. I exhale.

Three minutes left. Should I stretch?

I peer around the corner. Footsteps ring above me. Feet shuffle in a social dance. I crouch. What the hell am I doing here? A door falls shut, and I look to it. It lies at the other end of the hall and light streams through the bullet-proof glass. The silence of my surroundings engulfs me and I struggle to catch my breath. I fall against the familiar cold wall behind me, and I stare at the door.

And then I'm running. To I don't know where. And I'm out the door and in the sunlight and it caresses my skin like the lover I never knew I had. And I run, faster and faster, brushing past trees and flowers and fences. I can't stop my feet from tumbling over one another and I stretch my arms out to the sky, waiting for the rain to fall. And it does. And I am washed clean in it.

So on to beginnings and ends.
Now on to random typings.

Okay, perhaps not so random because I seem to not be as "good" at that as other bloggers who are all cute about it. *cough cough gag* haha...just kidding. right.

So, yesterday I picked up my graduation and last few weeks of college pictures from Wal-Mart. They made me feel whimsical. Now, I didn't always know whimsical could be a feeling, but I promise you now, I know it is.

After, I drove up to a Northeast Cleveland area and visited the Steele family, particularly, their youngest, Brian. Not after hanging up on him and being particulary retched...this whole being at home thing lends to some extreme moods. Or a lacking leash on my tongue because these *phrases* and words come out of my mouth in such a biting way that I wish I could catch them and put them all back in but words don't work that way. Life doesn't. Oh I am not getting phylosophical yet.

So, I arrive at the Steele household and greet Brian who is *still* getting ready. Which, for now, I still find pretty cute (and it will hopefully for the most part remain that way). He takes longer than I do to get ready- and I am generally not a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Finally, the wax is set in his hair and I believe he's ready. Lo and behold, his father and mother want to take us out to dinner...and when I say "us" I mean over half the immediate family. Mom and Dad Steele, Brian, me, Eric and his girlfriend, Julie and Jamie and Hunter and Alex. Ten total. And this is normal for them (they go out to eat a lot)...which is cool...I'm up for whatever, whenever. We went to this fairly neat seafood place--which my mom actually knew about and loves too so yeah! Maybe her and I could go up there sometime. And dinner was fun and enjoyable.

After, we went back to Brians and thought about going to see a movie, but it was kind of late. So, we didn't. We decided to wait for Jason to get home and go get ice cream with him. In the meantime, I got Brian to agree to go on a walk. We went out in his back yard, and decided to stumble our way down to the beach (Lake Erie is literally in his back yard). It was interesting. I had a skirt on, so life was even funnier. And I swear that Brian could be Tarzan because he just hops from place to place without a problem at all. The fact that I have no balance does not help the situation. So we slide down the muddy path to the beach and Brian starts eyeing the drift wood and kicking it back in to the water. He stops for a moment and I stand in front of him, and we both just look out at the water. And it was kind of grey and misty out, and I couldn't tell where the water stopped and the sky began. I felt so small and so big at the same time. I knew I was where I was supposed to be at that moment. And I enjoyed it to it's fullest. Brian went back to playing with drift wood and other random objects that wash up, and I decided to sit on the rocks, that if this beach were to be a stage and the Lake it's audience, were stage left. So Brian sat with me and we were just quietly watching everything for a while...he asked me about theater...about what I liked, what my favorites are. And I was reminded that he cares- about what matters to me- because he cares about me. Even if I can't tell all the time...because I *need* these words of encouragement from people I trust and because he doesn't express that way. He is one special guy. Anyhow, before I get in to some mushy story...our feet were both covered in mudd and sand and so were our sandals. But we made it back up (which was even more interesting than the trip down) and I washed my feet off and we left to get Jason and Lisa and went for ice cream.

Before I left my house, as an after thought, I threw some cloths and my toothbrush in a bag, in case I ended up staying. I did-- there was a flood warning and thunder storm watch again-- and I had watched the weather earlier and didn't think that it was supposed to be so crappy yet again. Oh well. I woke up at 730 this morning and drove back. I was in time for church, but I was starting to fall asleep at the wheel, so I decided against going and slept instead. I am a heathen. Oh well...grace would mean nothing if I deserved it...and it would mean nothing if I abused it. So I admit to my brokenness...my fallenness. Now I am meandering around the house getting things done for my parents and playing with my dog. A relaxing day. I wish I could get up tomorrow still and see most of my friends. Until then, I'll enjoy a few good movies and continue on a good book....listening to the quiet wonder of the breath of life.

The following is an excert from and e-mail I sent to a dear friend. And I am too lazy to retype everything in to "blog" format so here goes...

Yes, we did go to Geauga Lake- it was Erin, myself, Brian, and my friend Josh Booth (he works at the Fish and does other "Christian" radio work-- but with actual good music). It was a lot of fun, and it wasn't that rainy at all...just kind of damp, so that was interesting because some rides had really wet seats. There was v. little wait time for any ride (I think the only one we had to wait for was the X-flight one, but that was for about five minutes) so that was way cool. And we saw Jars and of course they were amazing. There was a kid there that I met- his name was Russell. And he was sitting on a cement thing that surrounded some flowers and trees-- you know how parks have those. And his head was in his hands and he looked like he was crying. So I walked up to him and asked him if he was okay. He wasn't- so we talked a bit. He told me some of his story, which really broke my heart. He is 18 and his girlfriend is 16 and she's pregnant and they are keeping the child but she keeps pushing him away and treating him like crap and "breaking up" with him, and he doesn't know what to do but he wants to do right by this kid...so he's sitting on cold cement on a rainy day at Geauga Lake with tears brimming over his eyes, and I sit there next to him, listening, and praying for him and with him. I go in to the concert, but not before giving him my cell phone number if he needs anything and letting him know where we will be sitting if he needs to come talk. So I go in, and sit down. After a little while, Russell comes in and sits by Josh, who sat by me as I talked with Russell outside of the stadium. It ends up that we were sitting right behind the group that Russell had come in with-- both kids and adults- I am guessing part of a youth group because it was, after all, Christian youth day. And Rusell and I exchange a glance once I realize who Ashley (that's his girlfriend's name) is and hopefully he could read the support and compassion in my eyes for him. Perhaps I'll find out in Heaven. My heart breaks. This is the youth of today...all the more that I want to work with them. But I feel so trapped here...and I don't know how right now. That might not make sense?

I've been trying to find a job. And there's really nothing around here (I will get back to this fact in a moment). So I am probably going to be doing a telemarketing thing for the Republican party (even though I am borderline Democrat). But, it's a job for the summer. And I need to make money so I can move out of here...because, in the two weeks that I have been home I've realized that I don't have anyone around here anymore. All of the (few) people I kept in contact with after high school are gone, my closest friends from Malone live at least 40 minutes away, and I've not been friends with the people from church for a few years. I say my polite hello's to them, and I usually talk with some parents and adults, but I've made no connection with any one from church (my home church, which I am considering not staying at any longer as it is). I get bored at the "coffee houses" the college class holds and the conversation is far from entertaining- in the furthering the enlightenment of what it meanst "to be"- for me...I feel completely inhibited and judged every time I am there...and I don't know- maybe I am placing the judgement on myself because I am not a "conservative" or [politely] legalistic as much of my church. But I don't think that's it.

I have to take a gym class to officially be done with college. So, I am taking this dance class at YSU. It's interesting. We'll save those stories for another day.

I still want to go on a road trip with Brian and a bunch of friends (yes that means YOU) but I don't know when that would work? I'll be thinking about it-- you should too I am going to NYC with my mom sometime in July- I am guessing for some time between the 1 and 18 while Brian is in Hong Kong and other various parts of China. Erin and I are planning a road trip to Florida to play at Disney with a stop in Atlanta on the way down (Erin hates flying and avoids it at all costs). I am planning on going to Alive-- well that would ROCK if we could get a group of people to do that together!!! What do you think? I don't find out about the job that I auditioned for and really really want until late June, but I want to get out of Youngstown by the end of September even if I don't get that job. The job would be in Pittsburgh, but I might move there even if I don't get it, or Cleveland or Akron, or anywhere but Youngstown. I need to be someplace different. This whole being at home thing is making me feel like a wild bird trapped in a steel cage. (tweet tweet).

oh and i finally figured out how to add comments. so for my sparse audience, comment away. it's boring as of now, but as i continue to delve in to the entrancing "the sacred journey" by frederick beuchner (thank you andrew) i am sure there will be more interesting things about the every day to enjoy reading.

<>< peace

so it's been a little while. it might be an even littler while still. that's okay.

so i'm "home" for the summer. and by quoting, i mean that i do not want to be here. i have to take a summer PE class to officially get my diploma, so i am taking it at YSU and having it transfer to malone. i need to find a summer job, but there's absolutely nothing around here...so i just might end up working in a factory or as a waitress for the summer.

i won't find out about saltworks (see www.saltworks.org) until late june. so i can't commit to anything past august because i will possibly/hopefully be moving to pittsburgh. so that kind of puts a strain on things. because i want to do a job that i am at least somewhat *qualified* for (whatever that means) but i can't commit past august so that leaves me in an akward position.

it's been a long, draining week. i've been searching for jobs in the area and in the pittsburgh area, because even if i don't get cast in saltworks, i think i want to move there for at least a year. my uncle passed away...he was killed in a car accident. everyone keeps saying "i'm sorry" but it's okay. it's just...i don't handle funerals or funeral homes well at all. let it be recorded right now that if i should pass, and you are still alive and have read this...that i want my passing to be a celebration of life. and i don't want funeral flowers. and if andrew rudd is still around, i want him to speak. and ann lawson too. that may change in ten years, but i doubt there are better speakers who have shown such love and compassion and grace in my life that will know me from here on out...it doesn't seem that i will be apart of a community like i have been the past four years again, but who knows?

i am finally unpacking all of my "stuff" and packing more of it and throwing things away and boxing things for whenever i move.

my gym class- a dance class- starts tomorrow. and i still need to find a job. in the mean time, i will organize my room, cook dinner for my mom, and play with my puppy. that's gotta be better than staring at a computer screen for any longer. the job search yesterday might have intoxicated my brain with funny computer screen colors...nothing like the *real world*

so this is probably going to be somewhat short, as i am evidentally in the midst of a "busy" day doing nothing and everything all at once...and i love it.

so this whole graduation thing is looming closer and closer. and it scares me, but excites me all at once. don't get me wrong-- i LOVE malone, and all that has happened here...i wouldn't be who i am today without this amazing experience of the past four years...but i just want to get the h*** out of here.

i'll miss the relationships more than anything...the community. ha...i started to talk about it in our senior capstone today and i started crying. so that was a fun time. i just...i haven't felt this many emotions at once in a long while. is the rest of life going to be like this? to feel like this?

i won't here back from saltworks until late june. i'm kind of curious...a bit impatient.

so i am supposed to go home for the summer...because, i go home every summer. and i guess it's the "smart" thing to do...but i don't really want to. i want to be anywhere else...i want to be somewhere that i have a community that i am a part of. and i don't have that at home. at my parents home. i don't know...i want to stay in canton for the summer...but that just isn't smart with the whole, not having a place, not knowing about saltworks yet...not having a definite job yet.

i want to go to nyc with brian and a bunch of people to see chorale perform in st. patricks. any takers? it'll be a fun time............

okay, i think i will be heading to froggy's (because, it is froggy's and not "the cafe"...how stupid is that?) to watch a movie with some people.

saw kill bill today...vol. 1 now i want to see vol. 2 but i'm kinda apprehensive.

i wrote a funny scene with a lot of wordplay on shit. let me know if you'd like to read. oh wait...i don't know how to do the "comments" thing. man i suck at this...failing at life lalalala....that is my song for the day.

okay, now really. i'm out.

haha. just kidding. the showcase was amazing. thanks to any and all who participated and partook in any way...i can't begin to tell you how much it is appreciated!!!!

Faith means that although life does not appear to be turning out the way we had hoped, we believe that God's hidden will is being done on earth as it is in heaven. So we continue to endure, love, serve, and worship. We resist the temptation to turn bitter, seek revenge, view the world cynically, or whine about how hard life is, even though these temptations are as natural to us as hunger pains and fatigue. In short, we train our eyes to see signs of God's redemptive work. We wait patiently for God's will to be accomplished. ~Jerry Sittser, Discovering God's Will (aka The Will of God as a Way of Life)

so it's nearing 3 am and i wanna go to be-e-ed.

well actually, i want to be doing my capstone homework. but the book is staring at me and i can't bring myself to pick it up. what a perfect time to blog?

so it's been a month. yep, i've returned from ireland. if you want to know about it, ask me. but don't ask me if you only want that three sentence long answer, okay? that's just annoying, and quite frankly, i'll have to deal enough with that over Easter with my extended family. but, on a more "positive" note...it was amazing.

the showcase goes up in two weeks. that is pretty much the all-consuming portion of my life right now. that, and capstone. and...i've gotten really back in to reading the Bible again. for a while there, it was just a nice book that i looked at and thought, oh, i should spend some time reading that...naw, i've got homework, and friend time, and this and that and a really long list of stuff that doesn't really matter but sometimes- most times- i like to pretend it does...so i am in joshua right now. and i am wrestling with some big questions...mainly with the events of chapter 7. if anyone wants to wrestle the big questions with me, let me know?

last week basically....was one of "those" weeks. those, breaking weeks...where i was crying for nearly five days straight....well, when i wasn't out in public. but in my room...in erin's car...on quiet walks...i was crying. overwhelmed-ness...if that's a word.

but, i have discovered that mandy and i are really sisters separated at birth or something. we have a lot more in common than i realized. i enjoy that girl so much...her smile and her wonderful humor and deep insights bring a joy to my life!

i have an audition with saltworks in a week...well, less than a week, really. and i am genuinely excited for it. i briefly talked with tammie tonight, after strike/post-play asessment, and told her, and her face literally lit up...so, thursday she is going to work on my monologues with me (which i seriously seriously have to review).

so i definitely want to go to grad. school sometime in the future. and i when i say definitely, i mean...that's what i want now, and next year that might very well change. i can't believe that in four weeks, all of these people that have formed this unique community are not going to be a part of my life in the same way ever again. i keep having "senior" moments. and boy do they creep me out.

brian has been in bowling green since friday, editing his movie. i don't think he slept last night, and i don't think he's sleeping tonight. and he's driving back without sleeping...i swear, sometimes i think i just might kill the boy if he doesn't end up hurting himself. and i mean that he scares the life out of me when he does things like this. so, my answer? i buy him some caramel cadbury cream eggs. because those are his favorite. i suck as a friend.

and i have decided that i might be failing at life...but i've definitely gotten better at it over the past four years at mal-one. so much reflection...i kind of hate reflection right now, because it is with me EVERYWHERE i turn. i can't escape it! the little hampster in my head has been pretty tired for quite some time, but he keeps prancing around that da**ed wheel like exhaustion fuels him. and of course it's a him...(waiting for a bevy of "kristy you are being sexist" comments now...)

i can't wait to just go home and spend some time with my family...and my puppy. i just long for that sense of community with them...because i know the community i have now is fast slipping away, so i guess i am trying to cling to one thing that has been there (though i haven't always enjoyed it) for the past 22 years. but i am afraid my puppy is going to die...my other puppy, katie, passed away the day after Christmas. and that was hard and traumatic for me still, even at 22...my dogs are like my children to me. i go home, and i am the one that takes full care...and they know it. but, katie passed away, and just last week (amidst all the stress) i had the most terrible dream that charlie had died and my dad was crying, staring at his body, which for some reason kept moving even though he was dead, and katie was alive still and tried to comfort me...but when she did, she was climbing up on to the couch where i was curled up crying, and she all of a sudden started to look like a skeleton and her eyes turned this eerie shade of white or silver and she was, i swear, going to explode. yeah, i know...it's creep enough typed out...imagine waking up crying in the middle of the night to the glow of flourescent lights through some blinds and a dorm room with those images dancing through your mind.

change of subject...

how do my relationships help me to better love God? to serve God?

i think i try to serve myself too often. i am a control-freak. sometimes, i even get power hungry. and i don't think it's in a "good" way. something i should probably work on.

i can't wait for all of the busy stuff in my life to be over with...i love it A LOT...but the showcase eats up my time like a tape worm in a giant and brian is busy with the film fest and i am procrastinating on my work and making sheetz runs with erin (which are so much more fun than reading about Freud) but i miss the relationships in my life a lot. i miss being able to just randomly sit up until four am talking and not having to worry too much about the next day...saturday, because i could sleep in until 11 and life wouldn't end...i wouldn't fall behind on things, and i could actually get rest. but it seems to be the farthest thing away these days. does it only get harder from here?

if you are a friend, and reading this...please know that i love you. and i hate saying that over something like the internet. but i feel that i have failed you in some way...in many ways...by failing to invest more time in you. i love you and i cherish you more than you could ever know. i have been truly blessed by you....God has blessed me with quite a few friends whom i love dearly....please know that you are not forgotten.

i leave for ireland in less than 48 hours. nothing else matters to me at this point. i know i should be working my tail off for homework, but i just want to get on that plane and be across the ocean for spring break and have a grande time serving and learning with the team. i cannot even begin to explain how excited i am....how much i can't even believe that i, kristy o., am going to be in ireland in less than three days!!! i girlie squeal couldn't near cover it...for real, yo.

i like brian. a lot. even when i am having a spacey day and i'm completely out of it, i smile just getting to sit with him for a few minutes. sometimes i can't stand the girliness that comes out of me...like, what the crap is all this sighing and dreaminess? am i actually swooning? you've got to be kidding me...because, my vision of who i am does *not* do that.

okay, i am going to try to do homework. and laundry. and packing. yeah.

dialogue is interesting. ever just listen to people? how much you can tell just by listening...to more than *just* the words, too.

okay, ireland, here i come.

<><

I LEAVE FOR IRELAND IN FOUR DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was excitement. that is excitement.

so the rest of the *stuff* i have to do this week just seems like crap...pointless, worthless, boring. even though i know in reality it's not...because it's where i'm supposed to be and i am just extremely anxious to get over the atlantic and to the land o' the irish.

i've had a wonderful past few weeks. i will fill you in, faithful blog reader, at a later time.

and yes, i have seen the Passion. that is a blog unto itself.

okay, off to do more homework and studying...hope the day is as wonderful as it is long.

in between american history 2 and playwriting right now...

and i just got back from *randomly* seeing an old friend that i haven't seen and actually talked with in about two, no three years.

and it was great because we just talked and accepted each other for how we each have changed and grown. well, as much as one can in a 30 minute surprise conversation. it was good, as the Lord said. and i wonder why more relationships can't just be like that? why we have to feel this sense of obligation as to who we maintain relationship with and we have to have these reasonings that don't seem all that sound to me sometimes.

for online philosophy, we had to post some threaded discussions answering the question "does knowledge require certainty?" from descartes and from 2 of 3 conversations about knowing. i want to post my two threads here sometime soon. and i want to hear thoughts on them when i do. i need to find a way to do the whole "comments" thing and the links on the side thing. i don't know how...andrew, can you teach me that too?

sometimes i feel like a puppet. and i'm not always sure who the puppeteer is. is that a bad thing? because sometimes, i just want to go. just, go...i don't know where or why or even if with anyone. perhaps it's the spiritual equivalent to a nudist colony. ha, that sounds so blasphemous...but i swear i don't mean it that way. what i mean, is that, i so strongly desire to be free from things that i believe are weighing me down that i want to literally throw them off, tear them away, burn them, forget about them...and just go. and be. stupid concept of freedom. what in the world do i want to be free from? (insert sarcasm here, but i'm not quite sure why).

okay, off to class. the posts on certainty and knowledge shall come later<><

i leave for ireland in 23 days.

i think skits is the irish slang for what i feel (which translated, roughly means, crap my pants).

brian burned a cd for me...damien rice. and i like it, a lot. it's my latest "cd's to listen to while i work so i can focus and get my work done" cd things.

i don't know if i'll want to be back in the states after being in ireland for 9 days. ps, if you'd like to send support my way to help fund the trip (any questions about what the trip is please email me at dramachick837@yahoo.com) i'm all for it. and above that, if you could pray for me, and for the team that is going, that would be fantastic.

i need to figure out about all this audition stuff for NYC before i leave for ireland...seeing as it's like, four days after i get back that i will have to audition.

brian's RA referred to me as "your girlfriend" to brian tonight. that was weird. i don't know how to take that, without a clear definition in our relationship. i am cool with where brian and i are, but i'm not sure quite what it looks like to an outsider...if that makes any sense?

and all this with valentine's day coming up. well, isn't this fun. i think it's a hallmark holiday, really. but still, i am a girl. and there's this part of me that kind of nags in the back of my mind, loving the romance of it all, while this other part of me kind of grunts with hatred toward the couples and lovey-dovey cheese that the holiday seems to promote. that part makes me want to vomit. the other part...well, it makes me appreciate the abundance of love God has so graciously bestowed upon me at this point in my life, in such *tangible* ways as relationships.

okay, i need to do capstone.

stupid needing to do "stuff"

so this whole traveling two weekends in a row kicks me in the pants.

i seem to be in the habit of sleeping a maximum of four hours a night and taking a three hour nap late afternoon/early evening.

and don't get me wrong- yeah for sleep...but i have all this *work* to do and all of these amazing people i WANT to spend time with (ahem, trena, again i apologize~ i didn't mean to bow out on you this evening) and then i go for this looooooooong nap. hopefully this weekend helps me catch up on things and straighten out my sleeping patterns.

i am tired of food. that does not mean i am gonna be all anorexic...have no fears. i'm just bombarded with food at every turn in my day practically and i am just tired of it. i don't need all of this fried crap and things, things that i used to love, do not even taste that good to me anymore...like bananas. in theory, mmmm. in reality, i take a bite and it's done. i think the traveling had something to do with that as well.

i cannot begin to say how i adore NYC. i just wanted to wander around Times Square for hours and stand at the doors of theaters and maybe pretend that i am graduated and a starving artist in NYC and i'll have to get on the subway and go to my apartment in brooklyn that i share with two other people and i will love it and want to wet my pants all at once because of the beauty of life...not a "this is all there is?" type of thing...but a joy in the every moment of it all.

i am excited for auditions there in march. but that is the week after ireland, and ireland is my first priority. *amen*

i get to help baby-sit the rudd children tomorrow. or, later today if you want to get all technical. and i am so down wit dat (quote, unquote, andrew rudd).

i performed for tammie's oral interp. class today, and then dez and i answered questions after...and for one of the first times outwardly, i've truly realized that i can't please everyone...that no one can. and i am comfortable in my own skin in such a way that if someone doesn't like how i perform, then they don't. yes, i still want to always be learning new ways to stretch myself and to improve. yes, i want to always do my best. but does *my* best mean what some director or auditor or judge thinks is best? maybe. maybe not. and i am completely okay with that.
i know, that sounds kind of whiney and immature. so be it. it took me a while to get to this place. i have too long depended on the opinions of others to justify my self-worth in this world. i have measured my self in so many unhealthy ways. i probably still am in ways that i haven't realized yet. but either way, i am here now. and i like here. and i choose to like there, somewhere down the road, over the rainbow (of college/school) and whatnot...

okay, now back to the american history paper.

peace out yo.

so another two weeks go by....

in 12 hours, i will be on my way to the airport to fly to NYC and spend the night there before waking up on Thursday and heading to montreal, via one of the most scenic train rides ever. all courtesy of Malone College. well...my tuition dollars are paying for *something*

so i went to chicago this past weekend (again, speech)...and i have to say that it was the most fun i've *ever* had on a speech trip. granted, i've had some amazing ones between st. louis, california, and multiple ohio colleges and universities, but this one topped them all. no one got a trophy, but it's just-- so rare to so thoroughly enjoy a group of people. there were 8 of us total (seven in a minivan with all of our *stuff* for the weekend) and never was there a moment where i didn't feel totally supported, stretched, and full of joy. andrew mentions this trip as well in his blog, as he was one of the 8 members embarking on this journey. and i agree with him...it's this world that we've shared in creating, that once over we know will not return for anything but memory, but it still exists. and it's just good to be a part of it, ya know?

being a part of something. something i've been reflecting on, especially as i continue to work on capstone (which i should be doing right now but i needed a little break). i always want to be a part of something, for some kind of fulfillment. but i don't fully understand why i believe this being a part of something to be fulfilling, or if i am searching for something more? like, community. which has been extremely difficult for me as the communities i am involved in are continually changing and shifting, part of the realm of becoming plato might say (i hate philosophy online, by the way). so i get really angry and hurt because i feel that the communities i were involved in just a few months ago are so different now, and have traveled and changed in such a way that they no longer desire my involvement in them. which sucks.

so i pray about my identity. because, i desire for it to be so many things...Christ-like, fun, cultured, intelligent, witty, creative, independent, feminine, and the list goes on...

but what the crap does all that mean, anyway?

happiness is overrated. albert brooks has something going when he says that. (my first mister).

okay, i have more stories to write. i keep finding them inside of me...

which is a really good thing. because, i don't necessarily know if my impact in this world will be good or bad, but i do know that my existence changes things.

i want a bemis scarf. not the mantel. but i want one of those scarfs. because they are really, really cool.

i feel like crap. dung. a cow pattie. keep coming up with names so you can sound more and more witty kristy....

not physically though. more, my heart. ah yes, kids. still the heartbreak. it's part of that whole waiting thing....which really is more and more spectacular, now that i've been given more time to think about it. or, should i say...i've actually used the opportunity of time i have been given to think a bit more.

i keep telling myself, to just...be still. be obedient and just be still, and just listen. quietly. and there's all that crap about yoga clearing your mind and whatnot...how much clearer can our minds get when society fills them with nothing to start? don't get me wrong, yoga and tae chi are very relaxing....but the clearing the mind part...how are we really challenged to think from day to day? it's only by those whom i know love me that truly challenge me to THINK about life, about who i am, about what is *really* important...about figuring out what is really important.

i don't know. i just don't. so i guess that's it.

blogging twice in one week.

keep your pants on, kids.

school starts...classes start on monday. one semester (Lord willing and with 19 credit hours) left....praise be to God. and no, i am not blaspheming...i really mean that.

so i've been praying, asking God to be closer to Him...i just feel like i've been drifting from him, ya know? i guess, you'll have that. and i am getting tired of it. but boy does He answer in funny ways.

so much drama. and i can really hate it...

yet, i love theater. go figure.

ever see any old movies? like...one starring charlie chaplin?

if you haven't...think of the black and white images and the cinematography of michelle branch's "are you happy now?" that's how i feel my life is playing out. or perhaps, this ideal life that i would like to have.... how all of these stories overlap and interchange because of their existence in my life. like a funny musical of a shakespearean play set in the early 20th century. well...at least there are cool clothes.

my heart literally feels like it is breaking. (no i do not make this comment for a plethora of responses of sympathy/pity/etc). and i hate it, but at the same time...i am so thankful for it. each breaking seems to make me more aware of who i am. really...not just who i think i am or who other people think i am...but who i, kristy o., really, and truly am. that sounds like the wrong verb tense. oh well...screw verb tenses. the only people who really care are english professors and uptight editors.

ah yes, friends. the heart breaks in such a cliche way. a guy. why does it always have to be a guy? well, let's not even get in to the hetero/homo sexual conversation. save that for a rainy day or what have you. anyhow...i keep trying and trying to understand, to better communicate, to better listen. and i feel like i keep failing. at least, in my mind. because- if i weren't failing, then guys wouldn't just turn away from me...or stop talking with me. or say something like a total ja@#$!s...such as "i don't have anything to say to you"...yes friends, i have nothing to say. ha ha ha....imagine me with nothing to say?! now, imagine my reaction when one of my best friends, someone i tell so much to and usually hear so much from...says this to me.

there is definitely a part of me that just wants to cuss someone out. but, have no fears...i won't. i do logically realize that although the scene is a healthy part of my fantasy life, it is not the wisest thing to do (someone take note that i DO think before i speak...sometimes). the healthier, more obedient part of me desires to just wait and see what happens. which is totally unlike me...not my character to just sit something out. to do "nothing" in my mind...but waiting...that truly is something spectacular, wouldn't you say?

okay...this part is for my dear friend kristin, otherwise known as dude man. because well, she is cool and one deserving of a mention in the blog. because, that elevates friendship status to an extent, wouldn't you all say? anyhow...she's real cool and she is now in her own digs up in akron...and she had this kickin' lil new years party to show them off, because she's a great designer and a terrific hostess. perhaps the classic twinkie even... and this kid who wasn't even invited (and yes, DID graduate college at least a year ago...i swear) comes to the college party, and bashes a hole in her downstairs bathroom door and breaks a light with a pool stick. then, he proceeds to ignore the task of cleaning it up because i guess that's just beyond his reach of etiquette perhaps? so she has to TELL him to please clean it up, and that yes, he does have to replace the door. do people have NO manners anymore? i swear. and sometimes, yes, i really do.

like...at my friends wedding. there were people my age who actually didn't even use proper etiquette with a buffet...i know, it's a serve yourself type of thing...but put your napkin (which should be on your lap while your eating) on your chair when you get up...not on the table. and your empty dinner plate is not something to stack your salad plate on when you are finished! okay, that was lessons in etiquette with kristy for the day. tomorrow...where to start with forks.

alas, i want to get my oil changed before heading over to akron for a luncheon with the dearest ann lawson (wahooooo) and then up to berea to meet up with my dear old friend josh, and going to dinner, then the caedmon's call concert...perhaps seeing a friend from mentor sometime in there, if he's willing at this point...who knows? day by day, moment by moment kids...

oh yes, and tomorrow, i find out if i made it for the vagina monologues. really people...society isn't afraid to throw the word "penis" around. don't be afraid of it. if you can only say "the monologues" i'll still be your friend. but know, that deep down inside, i will think you are a big weinie.