so another two weeks go by....

in 12 hours, i will be on my way to the airport to fly to NYC and spend the night there before waking up on Thursday and heading to montreal, via one of the most scenic train rides ever. all courtesy of Malone College. well...my tuition dollars are paying for *something*

so i went to chicago this past weekend (again, speech)...and i have to say that it was the most fun i've *ever* had on a speech trip. granted, i've had some amazing ones between st. louis, california, and multiple ohio colleges and universities, but this one topped them all. no one got a trophy, but it's just-- so rare to so thoroughly enjoy a group of people. there were 8 of us total (seven in a minivan with all of our *stuff* for the weekend) and never was there a moment where i didn't feel totally supported, stretched, and full of joy. andrew mentions this trip as well in his blog, as he was one of the 8 members embarking on this journey. and i agree with him...it's this world that we've shared in creating, that once over we know will not return for anything but memory, but it still exists. and it's just good to be a part of it, ya know?

being a part of something. something i've been reflecting on, especially as i continue to work on capstone (which i should be doing right now but i needed a little break). i always want to be a part of something, for some kind of fulfillment. but i don't fully understand why i believe this being a part of something to be fulfilling, or if i am searching for something more? like, community. which has been extremely difficult for me as the communities i am involved in are continually changing and shifting, part of the realm of becoming plato might say (i hate philosophy online, by the way). so i get really angry and hurt because i feel that the communities i were involved in just a few months ago are so different now, and have traveled and changed in such a way that they no longer desire my involvement in them. which sucks.

so i pray about my identity. because, i desire for it to be so many things...Christ-like, fun, cultured, intelligent, witty, creative, independent, feminine, and the list goes on...

but what the crap does all that mean, anyway?

happiness is overrated. albert brooks has something going when he says that. (my first mister).

okay, i have more stories to write. i keep finding them inside of me...

which is a really good thing. because, i don't necessarily know if my impact in this world will be good or bad, but i do know that my existence changes things.

i want a bemis scarf. not the mantel. but i want one of those scarfs. because they are really, really cool.