Friday, January 09, 2004

blogging twice in one week.

keep your pants on, kids.

school starts...classes start on monday. one semester (Lord willing and with 19 credit hours) left....praise be to God. and no, i am not blaspheming...i really mean that.

so i've been praying, asking God to be closer to Him...i just feel like i've been drifting from him, ya know? i guess, you'll have that. and i am getting tired of it. but boy does He answer in funny ways.

so much drama. and i can really hate it...

yet, i love theater. go figure.

ever see any old movies? starring charlie chaplin?

if you haven't...think of the black and white images and the cinematography of michelle branch's "are you happy now?" that's how i feel my life is playing out. or perhaps, this ideal life that i would like to have.... how all of these stories overlap and interchange because of their existence in my life. like a funny musical of a shakespearean play set in the early 20th century. least there are cool clothes.

my heart literally feels like it is breaking. (no i do not make this comment for a plethora of responses of sympathy/pity/etc). and i hate it, but at the same time...i am so thankful for it. each breaking seems to make me more aware of who i am. really...not just who i think i am or who other people think i am...but who i, kristy o., really, and truly am. that sounds like the wrong verb tense. oh well...screw verb tenses. the only people who really care are english professors and uptight editors.

ah yes, friends. the heart breaks in such a cliche way. a guy. why does it always have to be a guy? well, let's not even get in to the hetero/homo sexual conversation. save that for a rainy day or what have you. anyhow...i keep trying and trying to understand, to better communicate, to better listen. and i feel like i keep failing. at least, in my mind. because- if i weren't failing, then guys wouldn't just turn away from me...or stop talking with me. or say something like a total ja@#$!s...such as "i don't have anything to say to you"...yes friends, i have nothing to say. ha ha ha....imagine me with nothing to say?! now, imagine my reaction when one of my best friends, someone i tell so much to and usually hear so much from...says this to me.

there is definitely a part of me that just wants to cuss someone out. but, have no fears...i won't. i do logically realize that although the scene is a healthy part of my fantasy life, it is not the wisest thing to do (someone take note that i DO think before i speak...sometimes). the healthier, more obedient part of me desires to just wait and see what happens. which is totally unlike me...not my character to just sit something out. to do "nothing" in my mind...but waiting...that truly is something spectacular, wouldn't you say?

okay...this part is for my dear friend kristin, otherwise known as dude man. because well, she is cool and one deserving of a mention in the blog. because, that elevates friendship status to an extent, wouldn't you all say? anyhow...she's real cool and she is now in her own digs up in akron...and she had this kickin' lil new years party to show them off, because she's a great designer and a terrific hostess. perhaps the classic twinkie even... and this kid who wasn't even invited (and yes, DID graduate college at least a year ago...i swear) comes to the college party, and bashes a hole in her downstairs bathroom door and breaks a light with a pool stick. then, he proceeds to ignore the task of cleaning it up because i guess that's just beyond his reach of etiquette perhaps? so she has to TELL him to please clean it up, and that yes, he does have to replace the door. do people have NO manners anymore? i swear. and sometimes, yes, i really do. my friends wedding. there were people my age who actually didn't even use proper etiquette with a buffet...i know, it's a serve yourself type of thing...but put your napkin (which should be on your lap while your eating) on your chair when you get up...not on the table. and your empty dinner plate is not something to stack your salad plate on when you are finished! okay, that was lessons in etiquette with kristy for the day. tomorrow...where to start with forks.

alas, i want to get my oil changed before heading over to akron for a luncheon with the dearest ann lawson (wahooooo) and then up to berea to meet up with my dear old friend josh, and going to dinner, then the caedmon's call concert...perhaps seeing a friend from mentor sometime in there, if he's willing at this point...who knows? day by day, moment by moment kids...

oh yes, and tomorrow, i find out if i made it for the vagina monologues. really people...society isn't afraid to throw the word "penis" around. don't be afraid of it. if you can only say "the monologues" i'll still be your friend. but know, that deep down inside, i will think you are a big weinie.

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