if you know me, you know i get frustrated with my dad. really, really frustrated sometimes.
but when we sit down to pray before we eat, my dad bows his head, and his prayer seems a sigh, a struggle to thank God, even through the things in life he hates. especially on his "bad days". granted, my father still continues to anger me, say things i think are ignorant, not think before he talks, yells before he pauses, hurts me, frustrates me, angers me, makes me just...sad.
and i got to thinking...a simple lesson but one that i still don't (and probably never will) fully understand. we are that same way with God. we say ignorant things, we don't think before we do, we serve ourselves before we serve him. well, let me just start by dropping the "we" right now. why did i bring you in to this? i need to own up to it myself. and i figure, i hurt God, i break his heart, i fail him every day. many many many times a day. and yet, he still loves me. no, He doesn't want me to hurt him. But even when i do, he still loves me.
and realizing that makes another part of this heart of stone and flesh that i have melt and break and reminds me to hand it over to Him, yet again.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Monday, July 19, 2004
hi.
so, i wrote another wonderful blog and for yet another stupid reason, my computer froze.
it was truly wonderful, as i was (at the time) tripped up on vicodin. i say "up" because, although vicodin is, generally, a muscle relaxer, it evidentally has reverse effects on me. in case you're wondering...the vicodin is a result of getting my wisdom teeth removed this friday past. so, vicodin makes me bounce off walls and not able to sleep. but boy oh boy does it do a saucy little tap dance all over what could be pain in my physical self.
so, i had a wonderful little date night with amanda s. thurs, just pre-surgery. we think too too much alike sometimes...but it cracks my bones! we were both the exact same amount of minutes late (within a 2 minute grace) we both had thank you cards from months before that we had forgotten to get to each other...and we can understand the meaning of the phrase "anal retentive" without explanation. yep, that word is still looking pretty dirty when it's typed out.
we saw king arthur (i think i spelled that wrong) and it was pretty good...although i was absolutely full of homesickness for the motherland, aka Ireland, where large amounts of the film were shot.
the film ends with this unneccesary line...the kind that i hate. don't worry- i won't be spoiling the movie for anyone. but...a character (in voice over) says "we were fighting for...freedom" and then, of course, the symphony of music comes to a climactic swell and the lights come up and you realize once again that you are in a row of poorly upholstered theater seats with a bunch of shared strangers. (more on that concept later).
so, amanda and i start discussing freedom. and what it means to be free...particularly as citizens of the USA today. as "americans" (yeah, i know, we think too much...greatest strength, greatest weakness...life). and we had some really great thoughts, and conversation...but i can't remember it all right now. i do remember though, that we spoke about the deconstruction of the community that could be built but currently isn't because of the general ignorance of the american public in regards to mass media...this idea of freedom as to what someone else has told us, and we always believe the someone else's of the world to know the truth. so, there's the rather large generation that is becoming more and more aware of the world that they live in, but only in snap shots-- only from these limited view points...and without much research to find out otherwise. i hope that makes sense.
brian is home! as big a smile as i can muster without saying "ow" too much.
that's all i have to say about that. for this moment, i value my privacy. i value curling up in a large soft robe and shutting the doors to the computer world and enjoying my life without letting the world see what it is that i am doing.
i still miss my friends.
i still can't believe i'm moving in about six weeks.
i still am human. there i go again...messing things up.
so, i wrote another wonderful blog and for yet another stupid reason, my computer froze.
it was truly wonderful, as i was (at the time) tripped up on vicodin. i say "up" because, although vicodin is, generally, a muscle relaxer, it evidentally has reverse effects on me. in case you're wondering...the vicodin is a result of getting my wisdom teeth removed this friday past. so, vicodin makes me bounce off walls and not able to sleep. but boy oh boy does it do a saucy little tap dance all over what could be pain in my physical self.
so, i had a wonderful little date night with amanda s. thurs, just pre-surgery. we think too too much alike sometimes...but it cracks my bones! we were both the exact same amount of minutes late (within a 2 minute grace) we both had thank you cards from months before that we had forgotten to get to each other...and we can understand the meaning of the phrase "anal retentive" without explanation. yep, that word is still looking pretty dirty when it's typed out.
we saw king arthur (i think i spelled that wrong) and it was pretty good...although i was absolutely full of homesickness for the motherland, aka Ireland, where large amounts of the film were shot.
the film ends with this unneccesary line...the kind that i hate. don't worry- i won't be spoiling the movie for anyone. but...a character (in voice over) says "we were fighting for...freedom" and then, of course, the symphony of music comes to a climactic swell and the lights come up and you realize once again that you are in a row of poorly upholstered theater seats with a bunch of shared strangers. (more on that concept later).
so, amanda and i start discussing freedom. and what it means to be free...particularly as citizens of the USA today. as "americans" (yeah, i know, we think too much...greatest strength, greatest weakness...life). and we had some really great thoughts, and conversation...but i can't remember it all right now. i do remember though, that we spoke about the deconstruction of the community that could be built but currently isn't because of the general ignorance of the american public in regards to mass media...this idea of freedom as to what someone else has told us, and we always believe the someone else's of the world to know the truth. so, there's the rather large generation that is becoming more and more aware of the world that they live in, but only in snap shots-- only from these limited view points...and without much research to find out otherwise. i hope that makes sense.
brian is home! as big a smile as i can muster without saying "ow" too much.
that's all i have to say about that. for this moment, i value my privacy. i value curling up in a large soft robe and shutting the doors to the computer world and enjoying my life without letting the world see what it is that i am doing.
i still miss my friends.
i still can't believe i'm moving in about six weeks.
i still am human. there i go again...messing things up.
Monday, July 12, 2004
as i was driving to canton on saturday, i went the speed limit. in fact, i even went five miles under the speed limit, and i put all the windows down and turned up music really loud and laid my head back on the head rest and rested my right hand on the wheel to keep the car on the road...and i stretched my left hand out the window and tried to catch the sweet air as i seemed to glide down the road. i went the back way this time...and i enjoyed every moment of it.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
went to akron christian reformed church today.
i hadn't been there since i went with linda and chancels nearly two years ago. and i was refreshed in remembering why it was such a *blessed* experience.
a different way to look at grace (as we looked at the passage in Luke 10 dealing with the parable of the good Samaritan through a new/different lens)....
being wounded by the side of the road and allowing Jesus to pick you up and bind up your wounds- to make you clean (see also Psalm 51 and Hosea 6).
i was reminded again of how very prideful i am.
i feel like i have to clean myself up before i can go to God with anything. like, i have to have on the best suit and the right make-up/hair/shoes/accesories for an upscale office interview because i know that my resume isn't really all that great in and of itself. and i know that in and of myself, alone, i am worthless. but despite the self that i am, even through all of the ways that i continually screw up...God can use me.
if only i would realize that more.
"let my pride fall down/i'm a little man..."
i hadn't been there since i went with linda and chancels nearly two years ago. and i was refreshed in remembering why it was such a *blessed* experience.
a different way to look at grace (as we looked at the passage in Luke 10 dealing with the parable of the good Samaritan through a new/different lens)....
being wounded by the side of the road and allowing Jesus to pick you up and bind up your wounds- to make you clean (see also Psalm 51 and Hosea 6).
i was reminded again of how very prideful i am.
i feel like i have to clean myself up before i can go to God with anything. like, i have to have on the best suit and the right make-up/hair/shoes/accesories for an upscale office interview because i know that my resume isn't really all that great in and of itself. and i know that in and of myself, alone, i am worthless. but despite the self that i am, even through all of the ways that i continually screw up...God can use me.
if only i would realize that more.
"let my pride fall down/i'm a little man..."
Friday, July 09, 2004
my cousin peered around the corner as we were closing up shop at the end of the work day today, and actually said "t.g.i.f.,huh?"
who says that anymore?
who watches that anymore?
either way. thank God it is friday (in an american corporate world don't have to work thankful for the rest of the weekend sort of way).
amen to tgif
who says that anymore?
who watches that anymore?
either way. thank God it is friday (in an american corporate world don't have to work thankful for the rest of the weekend sort of way).
amen to tgif
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
I keep thinking about *things* that transition you in to a new phase of your life. Or *things* that transition relationships in your life to a new phase.
What brought this on was (surprise) a conversation with Andrew Rudd. It was, as always, a rewarding time of shared-stories, but there was something a bit different about it...I couldn't quite put my finger on it...but when the conversation/story sharing was coming to an end, Andrew aka "Oh Great One" got out of his chair and hugged my farewell.
I know, it's nothing huge. It's a very simple gesture (and according to quite a few people, one that I offer too often). And it was...but it wasn't. It was like I moved a bit more out of the liminal doorway on to a side of richer and more meaningful relationship. Now, I'm not making judgement calls on student-teacher relationships and what they should or shouldn't be (or could/n't)...I'm simply saying that for me, knowing that I am going inch by inch in to new areas that are uncharted in my life, it was a tangible example of all of these uncertanties. Boy do I miss Lynn and Andrew...if either are reading, please know that! And thanks for a tangible example.
~~~~
When things are changing...oh this is going to sound unbelievably cliche...but it's from Calvin and Hobbes (a nod to Marcia, perhaps?) "Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different." Perhaps we are just more aware of the change when it is tangible...plus and minus on both sides...but I have to say...that I like elipses...and when change is "tangible" I think- I know- I can better appreciate it. The brokenness that comes with change that is inevitable is a wonderful thing. It makes me want to sing and dance and praise even "Sister Death" for how great Life is. I want to shout it out...
What brought this on was (surprise) a conversation with Andrew Rudd. It was, as always, a rewarding time of shared-stories, but there was something a bit different about it...I couldn't quite put my finger on it...but when the conversation/story sharing was coming to an end, Andrew aka "Oh Great One" got out of his chair and hugged my farewell.
I know, it's nothing huge. It's a very simple gesture (and according to quite a few people, one that I offer too often). And it was...but it wasn't. It was like I moved a bit more out of the liminal doorway on to a side of richer and more meaningful relationship. Now, I'm not making judgement calls on student-teacher relationships and what they should or shouldn't be (or could/n't)...I'm simply saying that for me, knowing that I am going inch by inch in to new areas that are uncharted in my life, it was a tangible example of all of these uncertanties. Boy do I miss Lynn and Andrew...if either are reading, please know that! And thanks for a tangible example.
~~~~
When things are changing...oh this is going to sound unbelievably cliche...but it's from Calvin and Hobbes (a nod to Marcia, perhaps?) "Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different." Perhaps we are just more aware of the change when it is tangible...plus and minus on both sides...but I have to say...that I like elipses...and when change is "tangible" I think- I know- I can better appreciate it. The brokenness that comes with change that is inevitable is a wonderful thing. It makes me want to sing and dance and praise even "Sister Death" for how great Life is. I want to shout it out...
Sunday, July 04, 2004
sorry i've been away soooooooooooo v. long.
the wonderful world of technology in the household in which the O resides had a virus. again. but it's all good now (at least i think so).
great news: www.saltworks.org
go ahead and check it out, because it is my new place of employment!!! i will be starting there as of sept. 1 in rehearsals...as a member of the touring company. wahooo! first "real" theater job (much excitement abounds)
also, i quit the evil empire known as infocision. i know i've said this before, but i've never been a part of something *so* unethical. much much dislike of the way that company is run.
and newsflash for those who hate hate hate telemarketers-- the only way to get them to stop calling you is to keep saying "yes, this is the person you are looking for. [thank you very much for calling but i am not interested]. please take me off of your calling list now. thanks!" if you don't say that you are the person they are looking for and ask specifically to be taken off of their list, you will not be taken off. i know- shady. so that's your best bet. unless, of course, you like getting phone calls at inconvenient times (which the person on the phone has no control over by the way). okay, enough about that.
and i got a new job that pays two dollars more an hour and they only need me for like six or seven weeks. which works out wonderfully with the whole moving to pittsburgh thing. p.s. if anyone wants to help out with the whole kristy moving in to her first place of her own thing, let me know. and dear friends and familial members in my communities of life that share the stories i am a part of-- that are *mine* (ha)...you are always always always welcome to visit!
okay...i've never seen cool hand luke. so i rented it. and i want to watch it. so i had best go do so. hope all is well! sorry i haven't been in great contact without the e-mail access. please, send a note my way.
oh yeah! also-- early-mid august, there will be a bonfire sleepover/camp out at my parents country dwelling. and if you read this, i know that i want you to be there. even if i don't know that you read this. send an email my way (or leave it in the comments section) mmmmk. that's all for now. cool hand luke beckons seductively.
peace yo<><
the wonderful world of technology in the household in which the O resides had a virus. again. but it's all good now (at least i think so).
great news: www.saltworks.org
go ahead and check it out, because it is my new place of employment!!! i will be starting there as of sept. 1 in rehearsals...as a member of the touring company. wahooo! first "real" theater job (much excitement abounds)
also, i quit the evil empire known as infocision. i know i've said this before, but i've never been a part of something *so* unethical. much much dislike of the way that company is run.
and newsflash for those who hate hate hate telemarketers-- the only way to get them to stop calling you is to keep saying "yes, this is the person you are looking for. [thank you very much for calling but i am not interested]. please take me off of your calling list now. thanks!" if you don't say that you are the person they are looking for and ask specifically to be taken off of their list, you will not be taken off. i know- shady. so that's your best bet. unless, of course, you like getting phone calls at inconvenient times (which the person on the phone has no control over by the way). okay, enough about that.
and i got a new job that pays two dollars more an hour and they only need me for like six or seven weeks. which works out wonderfully with the whole moving to pittsburgh thing. p.s. if anyone wants to help out with the whole kristy moving in to her first place of her own thing, let me know. and dear friends and familial members in my communities of life that share the stories i am a part of-- that are *mine* (ha)...you are always always always welcome to visit!
okay...i've never seen cool hand luke. so i rented it. and i want to watch it. so i had best go do so. hope all is well! sorry i haven't been in great contact without the e-mail access. please, send a note my way.
oh yeah! also-- early-mid august, there will be a bonfire sleepover/camp out at my parents country dwelling. and if you read this, i know that i want you to be there. even if i don't know that you read this. send an email my way (or leave it in the comments section) mmmmk. that's all for now. cool hand luke beckons seductively.
peace yo<><
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