Friday, May 28, 2004

I learned an African tribal dance today. And I want to teach it to a bunch of suburban-happy westernized v. white Americans. Let me know if you're interested. *winks*

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Wouldn't it be funny to die?

At least, that's what I thought. Hell, I'd think anything but being here. So I get up off the cold and dirty gym floor. I've got ten minutes, and still, nothing to do. A hall to walk down, water to drink, but nothing to do.

"What are you lookin' at?" she smirks. I crack a smile.

"I was just watching."


Racing down the spiral stair case I trip a bit, winding myself around the railing, holding on for some reason. For dear life? I don't know. Her voice rings in my head. What are you lookin' at? I could have answered a thousand different ways. But I choose the passive way, just like every other time. I just, watch. Breathing, heaving from the shock of the stumble, I search for my balance. I turn the corner and I am alone.

I find another dirty and dark corner to sit. Eight minutes left.

A gorilla walks by me. He doesn't really notice me, because it's dark. Bad vision. He wears his practice uniform as his pride leads his steps. The footsteps echo back and forth on the cold cement walls that hug my body, cradling me like a child. He stops and glances over his right shoulder, and I catch my breath. I try to curl up in to myself and be as still and quiet as I can so I won't be caught. His shoulders shrug and his arms fall to his sides. He keeps walking and I am safe.

I stretch my legs to the light in front of me. Only five more minutes remain.

Around the corner, the clinking of change falling in to a vending machine silences my sigh. The rustle of weight being shifted pushes the air in to new waves that force my legs back in to the dark corner. I can hear the machine softly whirring as buttons are chosen, purring in delight. The mystery vendee chose chips, and the air-pocketed bag pads the fall from a top shelf as the purchase thuds on the floor. The door creaks open and the hand shuffles for it's prize. Victory, and the swinging of the door as it plummets after the exiting hand. Heels click the pavement in a frantic passion, the sin of the victory chasing after the slender woman that brushes past me. She looks down, throws the 80 cent trophy in her purse, and presses forward. I exhale.

Three minutes left. Should I stretch?

I peer around the corner. Footsteps ring above me. Feet shuffle in a social dance. I crouch. What the hell am I doing here? A door falls shut, and I look to it. It lies at the other end of the hall and light streams through the bullet-proof glass. The silence of my surroundings engulfs me and I struggle to catch my breath. I fall against the familiar cold wall behind me, and I stare at the door.

And then I'm running. To I don't know where. And I'm out the door and in the sunlight and it caresses my skin like the lover I never knew I had. And I run, faster and faster, brushing past trees and flowers and fences. I can't stop my feet from tumbling over one another and I stretch my arms out to the sky, waiting for the rain to fall. And it does. And I am washed clean in it.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

So on to beginnings and ends.
Now on to random typings.

Okay, perhaps not so random because I seem to not be as "good" at that as other bloggers who are all cute about it. *cough cough gag* haha...just kidding. right.

So, yesterday I picked up my graduation and last few weeks of college pictures from Wal-Mart. They made me feel whimsical. Now, I didn't always know whimsical could be a feeling, but I promise you now, I know it is.

After, I drove up to a Northeast Cleveland area and visited the Steele family, particularly, their youngest, Brian. Not after hanging up on him and being particulary retched...this whole being at home thing lends to some extreme moods. Or a lacking leash on my tongue because these *phrases* and words come out of my mouth in such a biting way that I wish I could catch them and put them all back in but words don't work that way. Life doesn't. Oh I am not getting phylosophical yet.

So, I arrive at the Steele household and greet Brian who is *still* getting ready. Which, for now, I still find pretty cute (and it will hopefully for the most part remain that way). He takes longer than I do to get ready- and I am generally not a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Finally, the wax is set in his hair and I believe he's ready. Lo and behold, his father and mother want to take us out to dinner...and when I say "us" I mean over half the immediate family. Mom and Dad Steele, Brian, me, Eric and his girlfriend, Julie and Jamie and Hunter and Alex. Ten total. And this is normal for them (they go out to eat a lot)...which is cool...I'm up for whatever, whenever. We went to this fairly neat seafood place--which my mom actually knew about and loves too so yeah! Maybe her and I could go up there sometime. And dinner was fun and enjoyable.

After, we went back to Brians and thought about going to see a movie, but it was kind of late. So, we didn't. We decided to wait for Jason to get home and go get ice cream with him. In the meantime, I got Brian to agree to go on a walk. We went out in his back yard, and decided to stumble our way down to the beach (Lake Erie is literally in his back yard). It was interesting. I had a skirt on, so life was even funnier. And I swear that Brian could be Tarzan because he just hops from place to place without a problem at all. The fact that I have no balance does not help the situation. So we slide down the muddy path to the beach and Brian starts eyeing the drift wood and kicking it back in to the water. He stops for a moment and I stand in front of him, and we both just look out at the water. And it was kind of grey and misty out, and I couldn't tell where the water stopped and the sky began. I felt so small and so big at the same time. I knew I was where I was supposed to be at that moment. And I enjoyed it to it's fullest. Brian went back to playing with drift wood and other random objects that wash up, and I decided to sit on the rocks, that if this beach were to be a stage and the Lake it's audience, were stage left. So Brian sat with me and we were just quietly watching everything for a while...he asked me about theater...about what I liked, what my favorites are. And I was reminded that he cares- about what matters to me- because he cares about me. Even if I can't tell all the time...because I *need* these words of encouragement from people I trust and because he doesn't express that way. He is one special guy. Anyhow, before I get in to some mushy story...our feet were both covered in mudd and sand and so were our sandals. But we made it back up (which was even more interesting than the trip down) and I washed my feet off and we left to get Jason and Lisa and went for ice cream.

Before I left my house, as an after thought, I threw some cloths and my toothbrush in a bag, in case I ended up staying. I did-- there was a flood warning and thunder storm watch again-- and I had watched the weather earlier and didn't think that it was supposed to be so crappy yet again. Oh well. I woke up at 730 this morning and drove back. I was in time for church, but I was starting to fall asleep at the wheel, so I decided against going and slept instead. I am a heathen. Oh well...grace would mean nothing if I deserved it...and it would mean nothing if I abused it. So I admit to my fallenness. Now I am meandering around the house getting things done for my parents and playing with my dog. A relaxing day. I wish I could get up tomorrow still and see most of my friends. Until then, I'll enjoy a few good movies and continue on a good book....listening to the quiet wonder of the breath of life.
The following is an excert from and e-mail I sent to a dear friend. And I am too lazy to retype everything in to "blog" format so here goes...

Yes, we did go to Geauga Lake- it was Erin, myself, Brian, and my friend Josh Booth (he works at the Fish and does other "Christian" radio work-- but with actual good music). It was a lot of fun, and it wasn't that rainy at all...just kind of damp, so that was interesting because some rides had really wet seats. There was v. little wait time for any ride (I think the only one we had to wait for was the X-flight one, but that was for about five minutes) so that was way cool. And we saw Jars and of course they were amazing. There was a kid there that I met- his name was Russell. And he was sitting on a cement thing that surrounded some flowers and trees-- you know how parks have those. And his head was in his hands and he looked like he was crying. So I walked up to him and asked him if he was okay. He wasn't- so we talked a bit. He told me some of his story, which really broke my heart. He is 18 and his girlfriend is 16 and she's pregnant and they are keeping the child but she keeps pushing him away and treating him like crap and "breaking up" with him, and he doesn't know what to do but he wants to do right by this he's sitting on cold cement on a rainy day at Geauga Lake with tears brimming over his eyes, and I sit there next to him, listening, and praying for him and with him. I go in to the concert, but not before giving him my cell phone number if he needs anything and letting him know where we will be sitting if he needs to come talk. So I go in, and sit down. After a little while, Russell comes in and sits by Josh, who sat by me as I talked with Russell outside of the stadium. It ends up that we were sitting right behind the group that Russell had come in with-- both kids and adults- I am guessing part of a youth group because it was, after all, Christian youth day. And Rusell and I exchange a glance once I realize who Ashley (that's his girlfriend's name) is and hopefully he could read the support and compassion in my eyes for him. Perhaps I'll find out in Heaven. My heart breaks. This is the youth of today...all the more that I want to work with them. But I feel so trapped here...and I don't know how right now. That might not make sense?

I've been trying to find a job. And there's really nothing around here (I will get back to this fact in a moment). So I am probably going to be doing a telemarketing thing for the Republican party (even though I am borderline Democrat). But, it's a job for the summer. And I need to make money so I can move out of here...because, in the two weeks that I have been home I've realized that I don't have anyone around here anymore. All of the (few) people I kept in contact with after high school are gone, my closest friends from Malone live at least 40 minutes away, and I've not been friends with the people from church for a few years. I say my polite hello's to them, and I usually talk with some parents and adults, but I've made no connection with any one from church (my home church, which I am considering not staying at any longer as it is). I get bored at the "coffee houses" the college class holds and the conversation is far from entertaining- in the furthering the enlightenment of what it meanst "to be"- for me...I feel completely inhibited and judged every time I am there...and I don't know- maybe I am placing the judgement on myself because I am not a "conservative" or [politely] legalistic as much of my church. But I don't think that's it.

I have to take a gym class to officially be done with college. So, I am taking this dance class at YSU. It's interesting. We'll save those stories for another day.

I still want to go on a road trip with Brian and a bunch of friends (yes that means YOU) but I don't know when that would work? I'll be thinking about it-- you should too I am going to NYC with my mom sometime in July- I am guessing for some time between the 1 and 18 while Brian is in Hong Kong and other various parts of China. Erin and I are planning a road trip to Florida to play at Disney with a stop in Atlanta on the way down (Erin hates flying and avoids it at all costs). I am planning on going to Alive-- well that would ROCK if we could get a group of people to do that together!!! What do you think? I don't find out about the job that I auditioned for and really really want until late June, but I want to get out of Youngstown by the end of September even if I don't get that job. The job would be in Pittsburgh, but I might move there even if I don't get it, or Cleveland or Akron, or anywhere but Youngstown. I need to be someplace different. This whole being at home thing is making me feel like a wild bird trapped in a steel cage. (tweet tweet).

Monday, May 17, 2004

oh and i finally figured out how to add comments. so for my sparse audience, comment away. it's boring as of now, but as i continue to delve in to the entrancing "the sacred journey" by frederick beuchner (thank you andrew) i am sure there will be more interesting things about the every day to enjoy reading.

<>< peace
so it's been a little while. it might be an even littler while still. that's okay.

so i'm "home" for the summer. and by quoting, i mean that i do not want to be here. i have to take a summer PE class to officially get my diploma, so i am taking it at YSU and having it transfer to malone. i need to find a summer job, but there's absolutely nothing around i just might end up working in a factory or as a waitress for the summer.

i won't find out about saltworks (see until late june. so i can't commit to anything past august because i will possibly/hopefully be moving to pittsburgh. so that kind of puts a strain on things. because i want to do a job that i am at least somewhat *qualified* for (whatever that means) but i can't commit past august so that leaves me in an akward position.

it's been a long, draining week. i've been searching for jobs in the area and in the pittsburgh area, because even if i don't get cast in saltworks, i think i want to move there for at least a year. my uncle passed away...he was killed in a car accident. everyone keeps saying "i'm sorry" but it's okay. it's just...i don't handle funerals or funeral homes well at all. let it be recorded right now that if i should pass, and you are still alive and have read this...that i want my passing to be a celebration of life. and i don't want funeral flowers. and if andrew rudd is still around, i want him to speak. and ann lawson too. that may change in ten years, but i doubt there are better speakers who have shown such love and compassion and grace in my life that will know me from here on doesn't seem that i will be apart of a community like i have been the past four years again, but who knows?

i am finally unpacking all of my "stuff" and packing more of it and throwing things away and boxing things for whenever i move.

my gym class- a dance class- starts tomorrow. and i still need to find a job. in the mean time, i will organize my room, cook dinner for my mom, and play with my puppy. that's gotta be better than staring at a computer screen for any longer. the job search yesterday might have intoxicated my brain with funny computer screen colors...nothing like the *real world*

Sunday, May 02, 2004

so this is probably going to be somewhat short, as i am evidentally in the midst of a "busy" day doing nothing and everything all at once...and i love it.

so this whole graduation thing is looming closer and closer. and it scares me, but excites me all at once. don't get me wrong-- i LOVE malone, and all that has happened here...i wouldn't be who i am today without this amazing experience of the past four years...but i just want to get the h*** out of here.

i'll miss the relationships more than anything...the community. ha...i started to talk about it in our senior capstone today and i started crying. so that was a fun time. i just...i haven't felt this many emotions at once in a long while. is the rest of life going to be like this? to feel like this?

i won't here back from saltworks until late june. i'm kind of curious...a bit impatient.

so i am supposed to go home for the summer...because, i go home every summer. and i guess it's the "smart" thing to do...but i don't really want to. i want to be anywhere else...i want to be somewhere that i have a community that i am a part of. and i don't have that at home. at my parents home. i don't know...i want to stay in canton for the summer...but that just isn't smart with the whole, not having a place, not knowing about saltworks yet...not having a definite job yet.

i want to go to nyc with brian and a bunch of people to see chorale perform in st. patricks. any takers? it'll be a fun time............

okay, i think i will be heading to froggy's (because, it is froggy's and not "the cafe" stupid is that?) to watch a movie with some people.

saw kill bill today...vol. 1 now i want to see vol. 2 but i'm kinda apprehensive.

i wrote a funny scene with a lot of wordplay on shit. let me know if you'd like to read. oh wait...i don't know how to do the "comments" thing. man i suck at this...failing at life lalalala....that is my song for the day.

okay, now really. i'm out.

haha. just kidding. the showcase was amazing. thanks to any and all who participated and partook in any way...i can't begin to tell you how much it is appreciated!!!!