Tuesday, April 06, 2004

so it's nearing 3 am and i wanna go to be-e-ed.

well actually, i want to be doing my capstone homework. but the book is staring at me and i can't bring myself to pick it up. what a perfect time to blog?

so it's been a month. yep, i've returned from ireland. if you want to know about it, ask me. but don't ask me if you only want that three sentence long answer, okay? that's just annoying, and quite frankly, i'll have to deal enough with that over Easter with my extended family. but, on a more "positive" note...it was amazing.

the showcase goes up in two weeks. that is pretty much the all-consuming portion of my life right now. that, and capstone. and...i've gotten really back in to reading the Bible again. for a while there, it was just a nice book that i looked at and thought, oh, i should spend some time reading that...naw, i've got homework, and friend time, and this and that and a really long list of stuff that doesn't really matter but sometimes- most times- i like to pretend it does...so i am in joshua right now. and i am wrestling with some big questions...mainly with the events of chapter 7. if anyone wants to wrestle the big questions with me, let me know?

last week basically....was one of "those" weeks. those, breaking weeks...where i was crying for nearly five days straight....well, when i wasn't out in public. but in my room...in erin's car...on quiet walks...i was crying. overwhelmed-ness...if that's a word.

but, i have discovered that mandy and i are really sisters separated at birth or something. we have a lot more in common than i realized. i enjoy that girl so much...her smile and her wonderful humor and deep insights bring a joy to my life!

i have an audition with saltworks in a week...well, less than a week, really. and i am genuinely excited for it. i briefly talked with tammie tonight, after strike/post-play asessment, and told her, and her face literally lit up...so, thursday she is going to work on my monologues with me (which i seriously seriously have to review).

so i definitely want to go to grad. school sometime in the future. and i when i say definitely, i mean...that's what i want now, and next year that might very well change. i can't believe that in four weeks, all of these people that have formed this unique community are not going to be a part of my life in the same way ever again. i keep having "senior" moments. and boy do they creep me out.

brian has been in bowling green since friday, editing his movie. i don't think he slept last night, and i don't think he's sleeping tonight. and he's driving back without sleeping...i swear, sometimes i think i just might kill the boy if he doesn't end up hurting himself. and i mean that he scares the life out of me when he does things like this. so, my answer? i buy him some caramel cadbury cream eggs. because those are his favorite. i suck as a friend.

and i have decided that i might be failing at life...but i've definitely gotten better at it over the past four years at mal-one. so much reflection...i kind of hate reflection right now, because it is with me EVERYWHERE i turn. i can't escape it! the little hampster in my head has been pretty tired for quite some time, but he keeps prancing around that da**ed wheel like exhaustion fuels him. and of course it's a him...(waiting for a bevy of "kristy you are being sexist" comments now...)

i can't wait to just go home and spend some time with my family...and my puppy. i just long for that sense of community with them...because i know the community i have now is fast slipping away, so i guess i am trying to cling to one thing that has been there (though i haven't always enjoyed it) for the past 22 years. but i am afraid my puppy is going to die...my other puppy, katie, passed away the day after Christmas. and that was hard and traumatic for me still, even at 22...my dogs are like my children to me. i go home, and i am the one that takes full care...and they know it. but, katie passed away, and just last week (amidst all the stress) i had the most terrible dream that charlie had died and my dad was crying, staring at his body, which for some reason kept moving even though he was dead, and katie was alive still and tried to comfort me...but when she did, she was climbing up on to the couch where i was curled up crying, and she all of a sudden started to look like a skeleton and her eyes turned this eerie shade of white or silver and she was, i swear, going to explode. yeah, i know...it's creep enough typed out...imagine waking up crying in the middle of the night to the glow of flourescent lights through some blinds and a dorm room with those images dancing through your mind.

change of subject...

how do my relationships help me to better love God? to serve God?

i think i try to serve myself too often. i am a control-freak. sometimes, i even get power hungry. and i don't think it's in a "good" way. something i should probably work on.

i can't wait for all of the busy stuff in my life to be over with...i love it A LOT...but the showcase eats up my time like a tape worm in a giant and brian is busy with the film fest and i am procrastinating on my work and making sheetz runs with erin (which are so much more fun than reading about Freud) but i miss the relationships in my life a lot. i miss being able to just randomly sit up until four am talking and not having to worry too much about the next day...saturday, because i could sleep in until 11 and life wouldn't end...i wouldn't fall behind on things, and i could actually get rest. but it seems to be the farthest thing away these days. does it only get harder from here?

if you are a friend, and reading this...please know that i love you. and i hate saying that over something like the internet. but i feel that i have failed you in some way...in many ways...by failing to invest more time in you. i love you and i cherish you more than you could ever know. i have been truly blessed by you....God has blessed me with quite a few friends whom i love dearly....please know that you are not forgotten.

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