Sunday, November 07, 2004

it seems that every post i get to write in here as of "late" has been depressing.

so, i'm going to *try* to break that trend and be honest.

church was interesting today. well-- it was informative, and a blessing. but i was still falling asleep. even though i went to the last service and got a solid eight hours of sleep last night. there was a pastor from syria speaking this weekend, the man in charge of the syrian CMA churches. it was so cool to hear how the gospel and churches are thriving in this part of the world- and to hear and see video of things like retreats for the youth and such- so very similar to what goes on in the states in appearance, at least. i am sure things are not "the same" with it being a completely different culture and whatnot-- but to know that God is doing amazing works, to see in a more tangible way that He is a bigger God than anything I can was good.

i was supposed to go to cleveland this weekend, which ended up not happening. it might be for the best, but i am still reaching and praying for understanding right now.

i was thinking today-- that we are who we are....we were each created to be who we are- we were given our flaws and our better attributes. and that musical- off-broadway- "i love you, you're perfect, now change"- i was listening to that this weekend. and i keep thinking- i don't want to change anybody. because i don't want someone to try and change me- in to this ideal of a person that they want me to be. transparent: i am speaking more about "romantic" relationships. but-- can't we always work on how we communicate with one another? at least- try to reach an understanding, when there doesn't seem to be one...or when one seems so very far off? i want to. i want to learn how to best communicate. but it's really hard when i don't know how i am not being understood- and i don't know how to begin to understand. communication- can make me very vulnerable. and i know that the risk is greater- but so is the payoff. the reward- of the honesty and truth and beauty of letting go and letting be.

i think- that loving someone means loving them for who they are, where they are- and not playing God- not making them in to who i think is better or best- but seeing the potentials that God has for them and encouraging them towards that ever-pressing goal. and i think loving someone means that you have to allow yourself to be loved- to acknowledge your flaws- but not apologize for them, as if that is what makes you who you are; they are, a part of you, which without you could not be you. like- i know i can be a huge pain in the ass and very high maintenance- but i am also extremely compassionate and (i've been told) charming and charismatic. so, i'm sassy. and i have a huge fear of abandonment. which my frustrations stem from. and i am a control freak. i've got baggage. but who doesn't? because other's baggage looks different doesn't mean they are less of a person. should they be loved any less by me because they have different needs and fears and quirks and gifts than me? shall i offer less grace because they fall short where i exceed? isn't that the opposite of what the body of Christ is called to do? because- love- is work. is so very much work. but- there goes back to the payoff- the risk and the reward. if i am hurt, do i choose to be less vulnerable, or do i allow that hurt to be brokenness mended by God alone, and allow the overflow of what God gives me that i can't deserve spill over in to other's lives when they least deserve it? i guess- either way, there doesn't seem to be a "safe place".

anyhow- i am off for "coffee" with a dear old friend, johnny. so, my musings, ponderings, and senseless babble will have to wait to reach paper till a later time.

hope this finds you resting in the grip of grace<><

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