Sunday, November 14, 2004

so, no matter how prepared i think i still hurts.

i don't really want to talk about "it"

but i do want to be honest. i'm afraid...that this change will have effects that ripple through the rest of my life and relationships. maybe- not all of my relationships. but i am sad that there are people at mal-one who i now wonder if they will still be friends with me.

i guess...something of substance?

that doesn't make any sense. well, it does to me, for now, at least.

i've seen more and more this past week that God divinely takes care of me in all the details. i see it- but i still don't believe it. or, i believe it, but the extent of the pain that i can feel doesn't seem to decrease.

challenge: to look at this as: an opportunity for God to fill me with his joy; the blessing of gaining a friend back; a place to be human and hurt but not be swallowed by that hurt; to rely on God without denying my human condition.

hmm...that last one. i think maybe- full reliance on God is found within the realization of a fallen human condition. but...i think i justify my reliance on God too often, avoiding the reality that i am still human and do still go through all that a human goes's just too easy sometimes to cover myself with the mask of "contemporary Christianity".

the only people that i could let hug or touch me right now would be: my mom, my dad, my sister, and erin. i've never felt compelled to push people away least, not like this.

i want to be in a "real" theater production. don't get me wrong- saltworks is an amazing job. but i need something as an outlet right now. so, i'm going to keep searching for more "real" auditions. let me know if you know of anything.

for all that i've been wrapped up in for the past six weeks....i've not been a very good friend. i've not kept in touch like i want to. and i seem to be losing my memory. so- i take the stand that i don't want to forget. please, help me to keep remembering.

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