Monday, June 21, 2004

back from a-live.

it was good times, being a "fish" intern for a week and meeting a lot of the artist's.

but i realized- that i have all of these *expectations* going in to any and everything. because i had such an amazing time and amazing people that i was with last year, i thought that i was going to have the same way of amazing-ness this year (that was way too many "amazings")...but i didn't...i still had a good time, and different kinds of fun, because i was with completely different people...but it wasn't amazing.

do i do this with everything i go in to? especially in relationships...especially in one particular relationship with a boy. i think i do...another part of the fallenness of me that i despise.

i've come to the conclusion that i really don't like myself a whole lot. this is not an invitation to pity me...this is simply a realization. i usually put on a decent "front" (at least, i think i do) that i like myself, while still being myself. so...i "am" myself, but i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to become what i would rather be than what i admit i really am in the quiet spaces of my mind.

i keep playing these *tragic* scenarios in my mind, trying to imagine what i would do in them...what would my reactions be, how would those around me this the way i should react, that i want to react, or that i would really react? this isn't a creepy thing...or unusual, i should say...i've done it most of my life, trying to play out these *scenes* before they ever happen...the what-if's, because that's a popular enough phrase these days. and sometimes i get so caught up in all of these what-if's that i'm not right here...i'm detached and pulled in to thousands of different directions and i don't fully react to my life in the here-and-now. so...the stage is like this place where i can just focus on the here-and-now. and when i'm away too long, i feel even more disjointed. does that make the stage a god to me?

this blog is getting too long. i'll write more some other time.

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