Wednesday, November 12, 2003

almost another week gone by....

time flies when you're having fun, don't you think?

oh sarcasm is highly irrelevant on the computer screen. it's just not so effective becuase it loses that personal touch that makes it mine, ya know? *deep sigh*
who knew that i would be lamenting sarcasm when midnight rolls around?

and why do i keep asking questions of you? like you'll answer, or something.

i leave for st. louis on friday...and won't be back until late on Sunday night. it'll be good to get out of Canton for a bit. it'll be great, in fact. thursday night is a trip to cleveland playhouse square to see thoroughly modern millie ( and have a q and a session with juliana, the coolest understudy in the world.

oh gag me and my silly little delusions. i keep thinking that if i leave, i'll have this magical thing to come back to. call it home, call it love, call it whatever you'd like. but the more i leave, the more i realize that there's got to be something bigger that drives me, inside. and i am just scared that i don't have what it takes. what it takes to do what, i am not quite sure. i have these auditions in march, and i do not know what the Lord has up his sleeve for me...not that i am suggesting the Lord is playing a good craps game or something of that nature with my life....just, He's full of surprises. and it's surprising because, at this point, i feel like i've no idea where He's taking me. or i do and i lack the confidence at this moment to believe it.

i went home last night (monday night) because i hadn't seen my parents in five weeks, which is pre-california LA visit, and i missed them. children don't do that enough with their parents by the way. and when they do, they don't admit it enough. and i was supposed to visit my grandma. and i forgot that i had an exam in my early class on Tuesday to study for, and i don't get out of class on mondays until 4 so i didn't get home until nearly 530 and i hate that i had to call my grandmother that i love and miss SO dearly and tell her that i had to study for this exam for a class that is so STUPID in my book and i have to take it to graduate and the professor has tenure so i hear a lot of his political views which i could quite frankly care less about when he is not encouraging us as individuals to learn the evidences or whatever and decide for ourselves. granted, we don't have doctorates yet, but can't we please be allowed to THINK for ourselves??!?!?!
and i just wanted to see my grandma. how sad is it that when i call her (at least once a week or so) she nearly bursts into tears because, although my mother sees her about once a week, and she has her card club and her visits from her brother, she tells me that she is bored and lonely? can i even begin to say how much my heart breaks knowing my grandmother sits at home watching baseball or football on tv and listening to perry como as she schedules her meal times in between her medicines and she's alone, while i have these "things" that society and the educational structure continually tell me i HAVE to do. or else...what?

i have to work. i know that. i have to pay bills and build credit. otherwise, i will be in grande trouble as i graduate with a 20+ thousand dollar debt from student loans. ah, the educational system. who knew how grande it could be?

i have to gain experience in my field. which requires a lot of rehearsal and commitment of my time, mainly at night, the only time i don't have classes, or the only time i could otherwise work.

i have to be well-rounded. okay, i like that idea. i'll admit it. i like being well-rounded. but to feed into a competition of who knows most and who does best? gaaaa! and doing so because i am taking some courses that aren't even challenging me to think.

i have to write papers and take exams to demonstrate my understanding of the knowledge, and then be GRADED...oh so subjectively check out the NOV 10th blog here....always great comments and commentary, great one.

i have to develop relationships which are meaningful and fulfilling. this is a staple of life. and yet, with all the "stuff" in life, what gets shoved to the back first, too often?

as bemis would say "ring by spring" or for non-Malone-ites, i best be getting engaged before i graduate college. i mean, what else is a good college education for other than to find that perfect mr. right? and i, of course, i am then fulfilled and have found meaning as a person because i can be married before i am 23. (note: sarcasm).

where was it started to say that a woman finds her worth in whose arm she walks into a room on? or that romance and marriage only happen if you are "good enough"? what is good enough, anyway? what if, i never get married? will society refuse to accept me (especially Christian circles) because i am not searching and focusing my hopes and dreams on finding that perfect mate? i get so ANGRY that women are pitied because they aren't married by age 30. what is there to pity? paul flat out states that it is better NOT to marry...he knows that by golly, it's hard work. it's a HUGE thing. if he could figure it out back then, then why can't we figure that out before that dreamy and expensive trip down the aisle today?

okay, i've got a morning class. and it's one that i actually like...substantial discussion and learning occurs. every morning. wow...what a concept for higher education...discourse and discussion. free thought and thinking THROUGH issues, and not around them. on that note, i shall slumber peacefully. night folks, see ya'll again hopefully sooner than a week from now<><

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