i've been wondering...

does culture instigate myths of stereotypes of race and gender? and regardless of whether or not [pop] culture instigates these stereotypes...does it [culture] enforce our beliefs of them?

i think so.

a discussion on racism started with fellow tour actors on a two hour drive back from a show last week.

i know, i know. don't go there. nothing about politics or religion, and don't have a conversation about race issues with a group who doesn't even communicate well about loading and unloading a 15 passenger van.

anyhow...

we went there. and it all started with the siting of a confederate flag, nearly immediately followed by a comment on ignorant back-woods folks and racism.

i disagreed.

i take the confederate flag as a symbol that can represent many different things to many different people (and it does).

most others in the van were along the strong lines of it being a racist symbol and that alone.

i disagreed.

the discussion went along the lines of race issues, symbolism, the civil war, the civil rights movement, interracial dating, "reverse" racism, and more.

it was a heated discussion, but for the most part, we were able to listen to each other.

i was so interested in the initial subject matter, however, that i felt compelled to research after getting back to my apartment. i pulled out the ol' Nation of Nations book and started looking up stuff about the civil war and trying to find info. about the confederate flag. i even called dr. jay case (who was extremely insightful and helpful).

i brought up my interest and research the next day before a show and was met with some hostility. a member of the tour who was not even a part of this conversation decided to try to rip me to shreds based on erroneous "evidence" and assumptions and his feelings. i was shocked that someone would talk to me like that, let alone in front of a group of people. i had just been reading about the matthew 18 principle for confrontation and i was really appalled because the person confronting me is a Christian and has been for a number of years, and likes to let others know it. just because this person is a Christian doesn't mean that s/he is perfect (i am fully aware, as i am not). but i couldn't believe that i would be talked to in such a way...so hateful and absolutely horrid.

in my shock i responded in a negative way my self, telling the offender to do the show without me and running off, making it to an elementary school bathroom stall and climbing on the toilet so as not to be seen by any children before bursting in to tears. the pms couldn't have helped the situation but i know it was far from the cause of it.

i composed myself and came back to do the show, knowing that more than one person depended on me. i cried through half of the show. so...i have no idea if this means that i am not cut out to act or if i need to sequester myself in to serious alone time before shows/performances or what.

either way...it was a learning experience. (another one).

i know we are all horrible human beings...fallen and full of sin. i still have a hard time understanding when we hurt each other...when someone hurts me. but i am trying to learn more about not needing to always understand (and let me say, i am fully aware this is going to be a long and arduous part of the journey).

in other news...

i am freaking out because in two weeks, i will be unemployed and still have no job. i don't know if i want to stay in pittsburgh or if i want to live with my parents and work a crappy job that makes me a lot of money for a while and audition like hell or if i want to keep auditioning and work a crappy job around here, to pay my dues, so to speak.

i had an amazing audition at the Cleveland Improv. Institute. and they called me back...so i was very excited. but they don't pay for rehearsals (2x week for four months before performances start) so it wasn't realistic for me to do that financially right now.

improv. is very fun though and i hope to do more of it in the [near] future.

i need a freaking job!

okay...now that that's out of my system. i will go grocery shopping. i will hang my clothes up and be able to see the floor of my bedroom. and i will watch gosford park.