Wednesday, May 25, 2005

i am unemployed.

for whatever reasons, it is both refreshing and bittersweet all at once. i think, all the feelings that i had at any graduation or ending-banquet-type-thing hold true here, except, here, i wasn't honestly very close with many people in the experience. but the experience in and of itself provided this relationship of sorts, and the people i was involved with were close, enough. and i feel this sense of relief and closure all at once. i had much more intelligent things to say but this why don't you shut up computer froze after a long typed out blog in the hour of 3 am and i didn't want to retype. na na na na naaaaa. oh well. that's life. and then i start over. again.

i got this call yesterday to go read for this abridged four-performer version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. i squealed in the director's ear. it sounds like speech on speed. that's hot. (oh yes, i just referenced paris hilton). and i would get to work with super fun stage combat clown and former teacher, which would be fantastic!

enough about stuff going on in my life.

on to stuff going on in me.

i am torn. i am in one of those wonderfully liminal spaces of time where i would love to just move somewhere far, far away and start over, with everything. a new me, a different time, more people i don't know surrounding me, etc.

i feel nailed to the ground of yin-ser land because of my stupid lease. at least, through august. and then i have no idea. it sounds kinda sucky, but i am considering moving in with my parents for a little while so i could just work some crappy job and save money and head out to, wherever. i don't know...that while might have to be very little, because sometimes even a day trip there makes me want to curl up and cry.

i want so badly for the house i grew up in to be filled with laughter, and happy memories. and there are a few. but more, i remember the fights and the harsh words. and so i learn every day, every moment, to try and forgive. i don't, always.

i have the kind of mind that forgets where i dropped my keys, but i can recite every hurtful word every spoken to me.....

so there's this tension of what i want, and what i remember, and how i have failed and how other's have failed me, how i have failed God, how i am not perfect, i am no where near good or holy or clean. and i read, the old has gone and the new has come, and i don't see much change.

and there's this me that is trying to grow as the artist God has gifted me to be and also the woman he has gifted me to be and sometimes i don't focus on one at all and i don't even want to talk with anyone about it.

i don't know anyone that really cares enough to listen to me through it all, this side of Heaven.

i've opened up the communication lines with God again. they were closed for a long, long while.

if i ever ever ever get married (at this point, i don't feel to called to it for a while off) i want my mom to be my maid of honor. she listens and she cries on my shoulder.

i want to be that open, that transparent, and i'm not. i'm a big fake and i don't let many people in if anyone at all.

i'm still trying to figure out if i can.

there's this point where i need to let go. like...when i care about someone so very much i can't even put it in to words and they want to move on and i know that maybe it would be better if they did but i hold on, with this death grip, and why? because i want to be a good, forgiving, good, kind, good, nice, good person. but i don't even think i am that, most of the time. it's like...this sense of obligation drives me more than anything else when i "do good". so it's not this passionate striving for good as this journey or goal- it's just this time card. and it's based on emotions much of the time. so how do i let go when i have no idea what i am holding on to?

guess i better stop waiting.

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