Thursday, June 19, 2008

for so long i felt like i didn't have anything meaningful to say. now i feel like i am overflowing and forgetting it all as the moments pass. i know i should keep a journal or something with me - but writing deep thoughts while driving doesn't seem like the best answer.

i've been hearing more clearly this week things that God has kept reminding me through this whole "growing up" process - at least the past few years of it.

specifically, i realize now that though i may say again and again that it is God's timing that will bring things about, bring changes that i may be impatient for - and that He *does* have a purpose in having me where i am now...

i have not believed it.

so, i either need to stop saying it (not preferable) -OR- start realizing and truly believing it.

however, i can't will myself to believe something.

i do have a little tiny speck of faith left in all this - one that holds me close to God and helps me hear him whisper undying Love in to my soul.

i am impatient, utterly flawed, but nearing brokeness, and i couldn't be more at peace. i've always worried. anyone who knows me knows that i have a penchant for analyzing the what-if's more often than not, of focusing on what may instead of what is now right in front of me.

it seems like the only way i got out of myself so i could be, live, "in the moment" was to act.

but i can't keep trying to put on a show to live life now. i keep finding ways i am more comfortable in my own skin, just being me.

thank God for that.

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