Sunday, April 23, 2006

inadvertenly (sp?) i fasted from blogspot for lent.

it's really only because myspace is my new pimp.

i don't really blog much there, though. i had somehow forgotten that one of my greatest love languages is words of affirmation. so i mainly message with people back and forth on the site. so long as dave doesn't forget that it's a love language for me, and i don't forget his, we should be okay.

i didn't realize how much i needed to be aware of my "audience", and i don't hear too much on this site, so i don't feel like i have a substantial one...so, no audience, no strong desire to write. i feel like i am on the oscar podium asking for vindication so i can say "you like me?! you really like me!" but that's not fully the case. i just so strongly desire there to be conversation between others and myself. and the conversations i have with those people, the numerous people, who bless my life...those are my most intimate journals.

not that i will give up on the practice of journaling, of recording and reflecting and being renewed by the process, the growth. but i know, that's what is most intimate. opening up the door of my clutter in front of someone who loves me, who i am vulnerable in front of, though scared and sometimes ashamed, sometimes elated, or frustrated, confused, selfish, angry, flighty...so much, all at once, as a part of this process.

it's all a series of ups and downs, really. it's never been and it never will be about the mountaintop. and i'm finding some more peace down here in the valley. i'm feeling more of a sense of belonging, instead of a sense of guilt, or of frustration to get back up on that mountaintop to prove myself worthy. (of... ?)

i had a wonderful day yesterday in pittsburgh with my future sister in law, shopping at the waterfront and trying on clothes. we have the same shopping styles...which is amazing. picky, forthright, cheap, adament. i didn't know i would ever be blessed with a good shopping partner! but i am very excited for many shopping adventures to come.

we also went to pf changs, and i ate with chopsticks, albeit poorly. it was fun, with s.i.l. and another great friend.

tomorrow, i go to cleveland to visit others and to spend much needed time with another blessing of a friend. and we will eat. because it's definitely on the list of top five things we each do best.

Lord willing.

if there is an audience of any kind reading this, and you want to keep in better touch with me, www.myspace.com/dramachick837 is one of the best ways as of late. i'll try to keep in better touch with you, if i don't already.

3 comments:

The Once and Future Brian said...

Hi Kristi - I like you, I really like you - but not in the way that threatens your engagement. I just like what you have to say, and that you say it. That's all. :)

Rachel said...

Well, now that I've found you through Brian, I shall hereto and henceforth become part of your blogspot audience!

Wish I could have hung out with you and Derek the other day. I hope you had fun.

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