Sunday, March 19, 2006

there is something in me that has somehow died.

i'm not sure what it is yet, and i don't really have many close around me who would be able to point me in the right direction to look for "it".

i am still excited to be planning a wedding, for 14 months away.

i am still stressed about finding a job in pittsburgh. my self-confidence has gone away with me not talking to my self. i let my self-doubt and deprecation envelop me. i don't know how much i care to stop it, but for the paradox of the self-depraction being directed at my need to be always better, always the best. which is odd, because i keep reading about all of these jobs available in the pittsburgh area, and i don't feel qualified for one of them.

i still hate being 24 and at home.

every time i write, it just sounds depressing. so i'd rather not write...i'd rather talk or listen, or just be. i've lost my way without a substantial community physically surrounding me anymore. i keep trying to find that community...and i whine here, but it seems that so many others just have these people around them, these people who call them and come over and invite them out for something at someplace around the corner. i know so few people in youngstown. i try to meet more people my age, but they just want to go out and drink and do...nothing, really. but doing nothing with someone is better than not doing anything with anyone, right?

i'm not very interesting. i don't have any new stories to tell, to share, to teach. i don't know where to find them. i feel i've failed, miserably. so here goes, to the continuing process of learning how to pick myself up. again.