i leave for ireland in less than 48 hours. nothing else matters to me at this point. i know i should be working my tail off for homework, but i just want to get on that plane and be across the ocean for spring break and have a grande time serving and learning with the team. i cannot even begin to explain how excited i am....how much i can't even believe that i, kristy o., am going to be in ireland in less than three days!!! i girlie squeal couldn't near cover it...for real, yo.

i like brian. a lot. even when i am having a spacey day and i'm completely out of it, i smile just getting to sit with him for a few minutes. sometimes i can't stand the girliness that comes out of me...like, what the crap is all this sighing and dreaminess? am i actually swooning? you've got to be kidding me...because, my vision of who i am does *not* do that.

okay, i am going to try to do homework. and laundry. and packing. yeah.

dialogue is interesting. ever just listen to people? how much you can tell just by listening...to more than *just* the words, too.

okay, ireland, here i come.

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I LEAVE FOR IRELAND IN FOUR DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was excitement. that is excitement.

so the rest of the *stuff* i have to do this week just seems like crap...pointless, worthless, boring. even though i know in reality it's not...because it's where i'm supposed to be and i am just extremely anxious to get over the atlantic and to the land o' the irish.

i've had a wonderful past few weeks. i will fill you in, faithful blog reader, at a later time.

and yes, i have seen the Passion. that is a blog unto itself.

okay, off to do more homework and studying...hope the day is as wonderful as it is long.

in between american history 2 and playwriting right now...

and i just got back from *randomly* seeing an old friend that i haven't seen and actually talked with in about two, no three years.

and it was great because we just talked and accepted each other for how we each have changed and grown. well, as much as one can in a 30 minute surprise conversation. it was good, as the Lord said. and i wonder why more relationships can't just be like that? why we have to feel this sense of obligation as to who we maintain relationship with and we have to have these reasonings that don't seem all that sound to me sometimes.

for online philosophy, we had to post some threaded discussions answering the question "does knowledge require certainty?" from descartes and from 2 of 3 conversations about knowing. i want to post my two threads here sometime soon. and i want to hear thoughts on them when i do. i need to find a way to do the whole "comments" thing and the links on the side thing. i don't know how...andrew, can you teach me that too?

sometimes i feel like a puppet. and i'm not always sure who the puppeteer is. is that a bad thing? because sometimes, i just want to go. just, go...i don't know where or why or even if with anyone. perhaps it's the spiritual equivalent to a nudist colony. ha, that sounds so blasphemous...but i swear i don't mean it that way. what i mean, is that, i so strongly desire to be free from things that i believe are weighing me down that i want to literally throw them off, tear them away, burn them, forget about them...and just go. and be. stupid concept of freedom. what in the world do i want to be free from? (insert sarcasm here, but i'm not quite sure why).

okay, off to class. the posts on certainty and knowledge shall come later<><

i leave for ireland in 23 days.

i think skits is the irish slang for what i feel (which translated, roughly means, crap my pants).

brian burned a cd for me...damien rice. and i like it, a lot. it's my latest "cd's to listen to while i work so i can focus and get my work done" cd things.

i don't know if i'll want to be back in the states after being in ireland for 9 days. ps, if you'd like to send support my way to help fund the trip (any questions about what the trip is please email me at dramachick837@yahoo.com) i'm all for it. and above that, if you could pray for me, and for the team that is going, that would be fantastic.

i need to figure out about all this audition stuff for NYC before i leave for ireland...seeing as it's like, four days after i get back that i will have to audition.

brian's RA referred to me as "your girlfriend" to brian tonight. that was weird. i don't know how to take that, without a clear definition in our relationship. i am cool with where brian and i are, but i'm not sure quite what it looks like to an outsider...if that makes any sense?

and all this with valentine's day coming up. well, isn't this fun. i think it's a hallmark holiday, really. but still, i am a girl. and there's this part of me that kind of nags in the back of my mind, loving the romance of it all, while this other part of me kind of grunts with hatred toward the couples and lovey-dovey cheese that the holiday seems to promote. that part makes me want to vomit. the other part...well, it makes me appreciate the abundance of love God has so graciously bestowed upon me at this point in my life, in such *tangible* ways as relationships.

okay, i need to do capstone.

stupid needing to do "stuff"

so this whole traveling two weekends in a row kicks me in the pants.

i seem to be in the habit of sleeping a maximum of four hours a night and taking a three hour nap late afternoon/early evening.

and don't get me wrong- yeah for sleep...but i have all this *work* to do and all of these amazing people i WANT to spend time with (ahem, trena, again i apologize~ i didn't mean to bow out on you this evening) and then i go for this looooooooong nap. hopefully this weekend helps me catch up on things and straighten out my sleeping patterns.

i am tired of food. that does not mean i am gonna be all anorexic...have no fears. i'm just bombarded with food at every turn in my day practically and i am just tired of it. i don't need all of this fried crap and things, things that i used to love, do not even taste that good to me anymore...like bananas. in theory, mmmm. in reality, i take a bite and it's done. i think the traveling had something to do with that as well.

i cannot begin to say how i adore NYC. i just wanted to wander around Times Square for hours and stand at the doors of theaters and maybe pretend that i am graduated and a starving artist in NYC and i'll have to get on the subway and go to my apartment in brooklyn that i share with two other people and i will love it and want to wet my pants all at once because of the beauty of life...not a "this is all there is?" type of thing...but a joy in the every moment of it all.

i am excited for auditions there in march. but that is the week after ireland, and ireland is my first priority. *amen*

i get to help baby-sit the rudd children tomorrow. or, later today if you want to get all technical. and i am so down wit dat (quote, unquote, andrew rudd).

i performed for tammie's oral interp. class today, and then dez and i answered questions after...and for one of the first times outwardly, i've truly realized that i can't please everyone...that no one can. and i am comfortable in my own skin in such a way that if someone doesn't like how i perform, then they don't. yes, i still want to always be learning new ways to stretch myself and to improve. yes, i want to always do my best. but does *my* best mean what some director or auditor or judge thinks is best? maybe. maybe not. and i am completely okay with that.
i know, that sounds kind of whiney and immature. so be it. it took me a while to get to this place. i have too long depended on the opinions of others to justify my self-worth in this world. i have measured my self in so many unhealthy ways. i probably still am in ways that i haven't realized yet. but either way, i am here now. and i like here. and i choose to like there, somewhere down the road, over the rainbow (of college/school) and whatnot...

okay, now back to the american history paper.

peace out yo.

so another two weeks go by....

in 12 hours, i will be on my way to the airport to fly to NYC and spend the night there before waking up on Thursday and heading to montreal, via one of the most scenic train rides ever. all courtesy of Malone College. well...my tuition dollars are paying for *something*

so i went to chicago this past weekend (again, speech)...and i have to say that it was the most fun i've *ever* had on a speech trip. granted, i've had some amazing ones between st. louis, california, and multiple ohio colleges and universities, but this one topped them all. no one got a trophy, but it's just-- so rare to so thoroughly enjoy a group of people. there were 8 of us total (seven in a minivan with all of our *stuff* for the weekend) and never was there a moment where i didn't feel totally supported, stretched, and full of joy. andrew mentions this trip as well in his blog, as he was one of the 8 members embarking on this journey. and i agree with him...it's this world that we've shared in creating, that once over we know will not return for anything but memory, but it still exists. and it's just good to be a part of it, ya know?

being a part of something. something i've been reflecting on, especially as i continue to work on capstone (which i should be doing right now but i needed a little break). i always want to be a part of something, for some kind of fulfillment. but i don't fully understand why i believe this being a part of something to be fulfilling, or if i am searching for something more? like, community. which has been extremely difficult for me as the communities i am involved in are continually changing and shifting, part of the realm of becoming plato might say (i hate philosophy online, by the way). so i get really angry and hurt because i feel that the communities i were involved in just a few months ago are so different now, and have traveled and changed in such a way that they no longer desire my involvement in them. which sucks.

so i pray about my identity. because, i desire for it to be so many things...Christ-like, fun, cultured, intelligent, witty, creative, independent, feminine, and the list goes on...

but what the crap does all that mean, anyway?

happiness is overrated. albert brooks has something going when he says that. (my first mister).

okay, i have more stories to write. i keep finding them inside of me...

which is a really good thing. because, i don't necessarily know if my impact in this world will be good or bad, but i do know that my existence changes things.

i want a bemis scarf. not the mantel. but i want one of those scarfs. because they are really, really cool.

i feel like crap. dung. a cow pattie. keep coming up with names so you can sound more and more witty kristy....

not physically though. more, my heart. ah yes, kids. still the heartbreak. it's part of that whole waiting thing....which really is more and more spectacular, now that i've been given more time to think about it. or, should i say...i've actually used the opportunity of time i have been given to think a bit more.

i keep telling myself, to just...be still. be obedient and just be still, and just listen. quietly. and there's all that crap about yoga clearing your mind and whatnot...how much clearer can our minds get when society fills them with nothing to start? don't get me wrong, yoga and tae chi are very relaxing....but the clearing the mind part...how are we really challenged to think from day to day? it's only by those whom i know love me that truly challenge me to THINK about life, about who i am, about what is *really* important...about figuring out what is really important.

i don't know. i just don't. so i guess that's it.